Nay, I prithee, put on this gown and this beard; make him believe thou
art Sir Topas the curate. Do it quickly. I’ll call Sir Toby the whilst.
Please, put on this gown and beard. Make him think you're Sir Topas the curate. Do it quickly. I'll get Sir Toby while you do this.
Come on, put on this robe and beard. He'll think you're Sir Topas, a clergyman. Hurry up. I'll go get Sir Toby while you're getting ready.
put on this gown & beard make him think you're a priest hurry i'll get sir toby
Well, I’ll put it on, and I will dissemble myself in’t, and I would I
were the first that ever dissembled in such a gown. I am not tall
enough to become the function well, nor lean enough to be thought a
good student, but to be said, an honest man and a good housekeeper goes
as fairly as to say, a careful man and a great scholar. The competitors
enter.
I'll put on the disguise, and I wish I were the first person to ever disguise myself in such a robe. I'm not tall enough to look right as a clergyman, nor lean enough to look like a scholar, but being called an honest man and a good householder is just as respectable as being called a careful man and a great scholar.
Okay, I'll put this on. I wish I could be the first guy ever to disguise himself in a cassock like this. I'm not tall enough to look right as a priest, and I'm definitely not skinny enough to pass as an intellectual. But honestly, being a solid, honest guy who runs his household well is just as good as being called a scholar.
gonna put this on. wish i was first to ever wear fake outfit like this. not tall/skinny enough 4 priest look but honest + responsible > scholar anyway
Jove bless thee, Master Parson.
May the gods bless you, Master Parson.
God bless you, Parson.
bless u parson
_Bonos dies_, Sir Toby: for as the old hermit of Prague, that never saw
pen and ink, very wittily said to a niece of King Gorboduc, ‘That that
is, is’: so I, being Master Parson, am Master Parson; for what is
‘that’ but ‘that’? and ‘is’ but ‘is’?
Good day, Sir Toby. As the ancient hermit of Prague, who never saw writing, cleverly said to a niece of King Gorboduc: 'Whatever is, is' - so I, being Master Parson, am Master Parson. For what is 'that' but 'that'? And what is 'is' but 'is'?
Good day, Sir Toby. The old hermit of Prague, who'd never even seen writing, made a brilliant point to a niece of King Gorboduc: 'Whatever is, is.' So I'm Master Parson because I'm Master Parson. 'That' is 'that' and 'is' is 'is.' It's obvious.
hey sir toby. like the hermit said: whatever is, is. im parson bc im parson lol. thats that
To him, Sir Topas.
Address him, Sir Topas.
Speak to him now, Sir Topas.
speak to him
What ho, I say! Peace in this prison!
Greetings! There must be peace in this prison!
Hey there! I want to see order and peace in this prison!
yo! chill out in here
The knave counterfeits well. A good knave.
Malvolio within.
The rogue is doing an excellent job faking it. He's a good rogue. Malvolio calls from inside.
The guy's playing his part really well. Good rogue. (Malvolio calls from inside.)
hes doing great at faking it lol. malvolio's inside
Who calls there?
Who calls there?
who calls there?
Who calls there?
Sir Topas the curate, who comes to visit Malvolio the lunatic.
I am Sir Topas the clergyman, who is here to visit Malvolio the madman.
I'm Sir Topas the priest, and I'm here to visit Malvolio, the lunatic.
im sir topas the priest here to visit malvolio the crazy guy
Sir Topas, Sir Topas, good Sir Topas, go to my lady.
Sir Topas, Sir Topas, good Sir Topas, go visit my lady.
Sir Topas, Sir Topas, I beg you Sir Topas, go see my lady.
sir topas pls visit my lady
Out, hyperbolical fiend! how vexest thou this man? Talkest thou nothing
but of ladies?
Get away, you exaggerating demon! How are you tormenting this man? Do you talk about nothing but ladies?
Back off, you over-the-top demon! How are you messing with this guy? Is all you ever talk about ladies?
back off demon! ur always going on about ladies
Well said, Master Parson.
Well spoken, Master Parson.
Good job there, Parson.
good one parson
Sir Topas, never was man thus wronged. Good Sir Topas, do not think I
am mad. They have laid me here in hideous darkness.
Sir Topas, no man was ever wronged as I have been. Good Sir Topas, do not think I am mad. They have imprisoned me here in terrible darkness.
Sir Topas, I've never been treated so badly in my life. Sir Topas, I'm not crazy. They've locked me in this horrible darkness.
never been wronged like this. im not mad. theyre keeping me in the dark
Fie, thou dishonest Satan! I call thee by the most modest terms, for I
am one of those gentle ones that will use the devil himself with
courtesy. Say’st thou that house is dark?
Shame on you, deceitful Satan! I address you in the mildest terms because I am one of those kind people who would treat even the devil with respect. Do you claim that this house is dark?
Shame on you, you lying Satan! I'm calling you names as politely as I can, because I'm one of those nice people who's even courteous to the devil himself. Are you really saying this house is dark?
stop lying satan. im being super polite about it. is the house dark?
As hell, Sir Topas.
Darker than the deepest part of hell, Sir Topas.
It's blacker than hell itself, Sir Topas.
darker than hell itself
Why, it hath bay windows transparent as barricadoes, and the
clerestories toward the south-north are as lustrous as ebony; and yet
complainest thou of obstruction?
On the contrary, it has bay windows as clear as barricades, and those high windows facing south-north shine like ebony. Yet you still complain about darkness?
Come on, it has bay windows as clear as barricades and those high windows facing south shine like ebony. How can you complain about darkness?
nah it has clear bay windows n bright upper ones. stop complaining
I am not mad, Sir Topas. I say to you this house is dark.
I am not mad, Sir Topas. I am telling you plainly: this house is dark.
I'm not crazy, Sir Topas. I'm telling you: this house is dark.
im not mad. the house is dark.
Madman, thou errest. I say there is no darkness but ignorance, in which
thou art more puzzled than the Egyptians in their fog.
You are mistaken, madman. I say there is no darkness except ignorance, and in that you are more confused than the Egyptians were in their thick fog.
You're wrong, madman. There's no real darkness except ignorance, and you're more confused by it than the Egyptians ever were in their fog.
youre wrong. theres no darkness just ignorance n youre more lost in it than egyptians in fog
This scene marks the moral pivot of the play. Until now, Malvolio has been a victim of his own vanity — he's humiliating himself with the yellow stockings and the smiling. Now he's a victim of active imprisonment and psychological torture. The Clown, disguised as Sir Topas, is using logic as a weapon. Every time Malvolio makes a reasonable point ('the house is dark'), the Clown reframes it as evidence of madness ('the darkness is ignorance'). Malvolio is actually right about most things — the room IS dark, he ISN'T mad — but because he's been established as mad, his correct observations sound delusional. The cruelty has become systemic: the more sane he sounds, the more crazy he appears.
I say this house is as dark as ignorance, though ignorance were as dark
as hell; and I say there was never man thus abused. I am no more mad
than you are. Make the trial of it in any constant question.
I say this house is as dark as ignorance, though ignorance were as dark as hell. I say no man was ever abused as I have been. I am no more mad than you are. Test me on any question you want.
This house is dark as ignorance, even if ignorance were as dark as hell. No one's ever been treated as badly as me. I'm not any more crazy than you are. Ask me any question - test me.
this house is dark. ive been treated worse than anyone. im not crazier than u. test me
What is the opinion of Pythagoras concerning wildfowl?
What is Pythagoras's teaching about birds?
What did Pythagoras believe about birds?
whats pythagoras say about birds
That the soul of our grandam might haply inhabit a bird.
That our grandmother's soul might possibly live inside a bird.
That our grandmother's soul could live in a bird.
grandmas soul could be in a bird
What think’st thou of his opinion?
What do you think of his teaching?
What do you think about that idea?
what u think bout that
I think nobly of the soul, and no way approve his opinion.
I have high regard for the soul, and I completely reject his teaching.
I think the soul is too important for that, and I completely disagree with him.
soul is too important. i disagree
Fare thee well. Remain thou still in darkness. Thou shalt hold the
opinion of Pythagoras ere I will allow of thy wits, and fear to kill a
woodcock, lest thou dispossess the soul of thy grandam. Fare thee well.
Goodbye. Stay in darkness. You must believe in Pythagoras's teaching before I will think you are sane, and be afraid to kill a woodcock for fear of releasing your grandmother's soul. Goodbye.
Goodbye. Stay in the dark. You have to believe in Pythagoras before I'll think you're sane, and you need to be afraid to kill any birds in case your grandmother's soul is in them. Goodbye.
bye. stay in the dark. gotta believe pythagoras or youre mad. dont kill birds or grandmas soul dies. bye
Sir Topas, Sir Topas!
Sir Topas! Please, Sir Topas!
Sir Topas! Sir Topas, come back!
topas! come back!
My most exquisite Sir Topas!
My most excellent Sir Topas!
My most wonderful Sir Topas!
amazing parson work!
Nay, I am for all waters.
No, I can handle anything.
No, I can do anything. I'm adaptable.
nah i got this lol. im versatile
Thou mightst have done this without thy beard and gown. He sees thee
not.
You could have done this without your beard and robe. He cannot see you.
You could've done this without the costume. He can't see you anyway.
didnt need the outfit. he cant see u
To him in thine own voice, and bring me word how thou find’st him. I
would we were well rid of this knavery. If he may be conveniently
delivered, I would he were, for I am now so far in offence with my
niece that I cannot pursue with any safety this sport to the upshot.
Come by and by to my chamber.
Talk to him in your normal voice and come back and tell me how you find him. I wish we could get rid of this trickery. If we can get him released without trouble, I want that to happen, because I have offended my niece so much that I cannot safely continue this prank to its end. Come to my room soon.
Talk to him in your real voice and come tell me how he's doing. I want to stop all this fooling around. If we can get him out of there without problems, we should, because I've really upset my niece and I can't keep playing pranks safely. Come to my room in a bit.
talk to him normal n tell me how hes doing. i wanna stop this. if we can release him safely, lets. upset my niece too much. come to my room soon
_Hey, Robin, jolly Robin,
Tell me how thy lady does._
Hey, Robin, cheerful Robin, tell me how your lady is doing.
Hey Robin, merry Robin, tell me: how's your sweetheart doing?
hey robin tell me how ur lady is
Fool!
Fool!
fool!
Fool!
_My lady is unkind, perdy._
My lady is cruel, by God.
My lady is cold to me, I swear.
my lady is mean
Fool!
Fool!
fool!
Fool!
_Alas, why is she so?_
Alas, why is she that way?
Why is she like that?
why shes like that
Fool, I say!
Fool, I say!
fool, i say!
Fool, I say!
_She loves another_—
Who calls, ha?
She loves someone else - Who is calling there?
She loves another guy - Who's calling?
she loves someone else - who there
Good fool, as ever thou wilt deserve well at my hand, help me to a
candle, and pen, ink, and paper. As I am a gentleman, I will live to be
thankful to thee for’t.
Good fool, if you ever want me to treat you well, help me get a candle and pen, ink, and paper. As I am a gentleman, I will spend my life being grateful to you for it.
Listen, if you want me to reward you well, get me a candle, pen, ink, and paper. I promise you as a gentleman, I'll spend the rest of my life thanking you for it.
if u want me to treat u good get me candle n pen n ink n paper. ill owe u 4 life
Feste offers to bring Malvolio light and remedy, which sounds compassionate. But he makes no move to actually do it. Instead, he stays in character as Sir Topas, keeps up the psychological pressure, and then leaves Malvolio in darkness. The offer of help is just another form of cruelty — dangling hope in front of someone trapped. What's interesting is that Feste seems aware of what he's doing. 'Say I am not the fool I seem' — he's asking Malvolio to absolve him of cruelty after the prank is over. But by that point, Malvolio will have been tortured enough that the request will feel like an insult, not a plea for forgiveness.
Master Malvolio?
Master Malvolio?
master malvolio?
Master Malvolio?
Ay, good fool.
Ay, good fool.
ay, good fool.
Ay, good fool.
Alas, sir, how fell you besides your five wits?
Alas, sir, how did you lose your mind?
Alas, sir, how did you lose your senses?
how'd u lose ur mind
Fool, there was never man so notoriously abused. I am as well in my
wits, fool, as thou art.
Fool, no man was ever so shamefully mistreated. I am as sane as you are, fool.
Fool, I've never been treated so badly. I'm just as sane as you are.
ive never been treated this bad. im as sane as u
But as well? Then you are mad indeed, if you be no better in your wits
than a fool.
As sane as me? Then you really are mad if you are no more intelligent than a fool.
As sane as me? If that's all, then you really are crazy, because I'm a fool.
if thats all then ur definitely mad lol
They have here propertied me; keep me in darkness, send ministers to
me, asses, and do all they can to face me out of my wits.
They have treated me like a possession here; they keep me in darkness, send tormentors to me, and do everything they can to drive me insane.
They're treating me like property here. They keep me locked in darkness, send people to torture me, and try everything to drive me crazy.
theyre treating me like property. locked in dark. people torturing me. trying to make me go crazy
Advise you what you say: the minister is here. [_As Sir Topas_]
Malvolio, Malvolio, thy wits the heavens restore. Endeavour thyself to
sleep, and leave thy vain bibble-babble.
Be careful what you say: the minister is here. (As Sir Topas) Malvolio, Malvolio, may the heavens restore your mind. Try to sleep and stop your pointless babbling.
Watch what you say - the priest is here now. (As the priest) Malvolio, Malvolio, I hope heaven will restore your senses. Try to sleep and stop this senseless prattle.
shh ministers here. (as priest) malvolio hope heaven fixes ur brain. try to sleep stop babbling
Sir Topas!
Sir Topas!
sir topas!
Sir Topas!
[_As Sir Topas_] Maintain no words with him, good fellow. [_As
himself_] Who, I, sir? not I, sir. God buy you, good Sir Topas. [_As
Sir Topas_] Marry, amen. [_As himself_] I will sir, I will.
[As Sir Topas] Do not speak to him, good fellow. [As himself] Me, sir? Absolutely not, sir. Goodbye, Sir Topas. [As Sir Topas] Indeed, amen. [As himself] I will, sir, I will.
[Pretending to be Sir Topas] Don't talk to this guy, buddy. [Back to himself] Me? No way, not me, sir. See you, Sir Topas. [As Sir Topas] Sure, amen. [Back to himself] I'll do it, I'll do it.
don't talk to him. me? nope not me. bye topas. amen. yep i will
Fool, fool, fool, I say!
Fool, Fool, Fool—I'm calling you!
Hey! Listen! I'm calling for you!
hey hey hey listen to me!
Alas, sir, be patient. What say you, sir? I am shent for speaking to
you.
Please, sir, be patient. What are you saying, sir? I will be scolded for speaking to you.
Please, sir, calm down. What are you saying? I'll get in trouble for talking to you.
chill sir. im gonna get in trouble for talking to u
Good fool, help me to some light and some paper. I tell thee I am as
well in my wits as any man in Illyria.
Good fool, help me get some light and some paper. I am telling you I am as sane as any man in Illyria.
Good fool, get me some light and paper. I'm telling you I'm as sane as anyone in Illyria.
get me light n paper. im as sane as any1 in illyria
Well-a-day that you were, sir!
I wish that were the case, sir!
I only wish that were really true, sir!
wish that was true lol
By this hand, I am. Good fool, some ink, paper, and light, and convey
what I will set down to my lady. It shall advantage thee more than ever
the bearing of letter did.
I swear by this hand, I am. Good fool, get me some ink, paper, and light, and deliver to my lady what I will write. It will benefit you more than any letter delivery ever did.
I swear it, I'm as sane as them. Good fool, get me ink, paper, and light, and deliver what I write to my lady. It'll do you more good than any letter you've ever delivered.
i swear im sane. get me ink paper n light. deliver my letter to my lady. better deal than usual
I will help you to’t. But tell me true, are you not mad indeed? or do
you but counterfeit?
I will help you get them. But tell me honestly: are you really not mad? Or are you just pretending?
I'll help you get them. But be honest with me: are you really not crazy? Or are you just faking it?
ill help. but r u actually not mad or r u faking
Believe me, I am not. I tell thee true.
Believe me, I am not mad. I am telling you the truth.
Believe me, I'm not. I'm telling you the truth.
im not mad. im serious
Nay, I’ll ne’er believe a madman till I see his brains. I will fetch
you light, and paper, and ink.
No, I will not believe a madman until I see actual proof. I will get you light, paper, and ink.
No, I won't believe you're sane till I see proof. I'll get you light, paper, and ink.
nah ill get u light paper n ink
Fool, I’ll requite it in the highest degree: I prithee be gone.
Fool, I will repay you to the greatest extent: go now, please.
Fool, I will reward you greatly for this. Please go.
ill reward u big time. go pls
_I am gone, sir, and anon, sir,
I’ll be with you again,
In a trice, like to the old Vice,
Your need to sustain;
Who with dagger of lath, in his rage and his wrath,
Cries ‘ah, ha!’ to the devil:
Like a mad lad, ‘Pare thy nails, dad.
Adieu, goodman devil.’_
I am leaving, sir, and soon, sir, I will be back with you again. In a moment, like the old Vice character, to meet your need. The Vice who with his wooden dagger, in his rage and anger, yells 'Ha ha!' at the devil: Like a mad boy, 'Trim your nails, father. Farewell, good devil.'
I'm leaving now, sir, and I'll be back with you soon. In just a moment, like that old Vice character, to help you out. The Vice with his wooden dagger, raging and angry, yelling 'Ha ha!' at the devil: Like a crazy kid, 'Trim your nails, dad. Goodbye, good devil.'
im gone. be back soon with ur stuff. like the old vice guy with his wooden dagger lol. bye good devil
The Reckoning
This is where the prank turns darker. Earlier, everyone was having fun watching Malvolio humiliate himself. Now he's locked in the dark, terrified, and people are pretending he's possessed. He's still convinced of the letter and of his imminent marriage to Olivia, but nobody is listening to him — they're just tormenting him for entertainment. The tragedy is that Malvolio is right about most of what he says (the letter was genuine, Olivia is interested in 'Cesario'), but because he's been set up to look mad, nobody believes him.
If this happened today…
You've been pranked into wearing ridiculous clothes to impress someone. Now you're locked in a dark room and someone in a priest's outfit is interrogating you about demons, insisting you're insane. Everyone outside is laughing. You try to defend yourself, but the more you protest, the crazier you sound.