Friend, you—pray you, a word. Do you not follow the young Lord Paris?
Friend, listen—I'd like a word. Do you not serve the young Lord Paris?
Hey, friend—can I ask you something? You work for the young Lord Paris, right?
hey u work for young paris?
Ay, sir, when he goes before me.
Yes, sir, when he leads the way.
Yeah, sure, whenever he's out in front.
yeah when hes around
You depend upon him, I mean?
You're employed by him, then?
So you basically work for him?
so u work for him
Sir, I do depend upon the Lord.
Sir, I serve the Lord.
Yes, I'm in his service.
yeah hes my boss
You depend upon a notable gentleman; I must needs praise him.
You serve an outstanding gentleman; I must commend him.
He's a really impressive guy, you know. I have to say that.
hes pretty great tbh
The Lord be praised!
All credit to the Lord!
Exactly—he deserves all the praise!
fr fr
You know me, do you not?
You know who I am, don't you?
You know who I am, right?
u know me right
Faith, sir, superficially.
Honestly, sir, only on the surface.
Just barely, sir. Only from what I see.
not really just kinda
Friend, know me better: I am the Lord Pandarus.
Friend, get to know me better: I'm Lord Pandarus.
Look, you should know me better—I'm Lord Pandarus.
im lord pandarus lol
I hope I shall know your honour better.
I hope I will know your status better.
Well, I'm hoping to get to know you better.
ill get to know u better
I do desire it.
I'd like that.
That would be nice.
yeah ok
You are in the state of grace?
You're in good standing?
You're doing well, then? In good standing?
ur good tho right
Grace? Not so, friend; honour and lordship are my titles. What music is
this?
Good standing? Not exactly, friend; honor and lordship are my titles. What music is this?
Good standing? Nah, friend—I'm known for my honor and my status. What's that music?
nah i got honor & status. whats that music?
I do but partly know, sir; it is music in parts.
I only partly know, sir; it's music performed in parts.
I'm not totally sure, sir, but it's like ensemble music—different parts playing together.
idk its like group music
Know you the musicians?
Are you acquainted with the musicians playing?
Do you know who's playing?
u know the musicians
Wholly, sir.
Wholly, sir.
wholly, sir.
wholly, sir.
Who play they to?
Who are they performing for?
Who are they trying to impress with that?
who r they playing for
To the hearers, sir.
For the audience, sir.
For the people listening, sir.
4 the ppl listening
At whose pleasure, friend?
By whose preference, friend?
Who decides—at whose request?
whos calling the shots
At mine, sir, and theirs that love music.
At my preference, sir, and at the preference of those who love music.
At mine, and whoever else enjoys the music.
mine & music lovers lol
Command, I mean, friend.
I mean, at whose command, friend.
What I mean is, who's ordering them around—who's in charge?
whos ordering them tho
Who shall I command, sir?
Who should I command, sir?
Who exactly am I supposed to be giving orders to?
who do u want me 2 command
Friend, we understand not one another: I am too courtly, and thou art
too cunning. At whose request do these men play?
Friend, we're not understanding each other: I'm too refined in my speech, and you're too clever in dodging questions. At whose request do these men play?
Look, we're talking past each other. I'm being too fancy, and you're being too slippery. Just tell me—who asked them to play?
ok ur being confusing. who asked them 2 play
That’s to’t, indeed, sir. Marry, sir, at the request of Paris my lord,
who is there in person; with him the mortal Venus, the heart-blood of
beauty, love’s invisible soul—
That's exactly it, sir. Indeed, sir, at the request of Paris my lord, who is present here; with him is the mortal Venus, the very essence of beauty, love's invisible soul—
Yeah, that's it exactly! At the request of Paris, my lord, who's right there in person. With him is Venus herself—I mean, the most beautiful being, the heart and soul of love—
yes! paris asked em. hes here w/ the most beautiful goddess like literally
Who, my cousin, Cressida?
You mean my cousin Cressida?
You're talking about my cousin Cressida?
u mean cressida
No, sir, Helen. Could not you find out that by her attributes?
No, sir, Helen. Couldn't you figure that out from her description?
No, sir—Helen. Didn't those details give it away?
no helen lol didnt u catch that
It should seem, fellow, that thou hast not seen the Lady Cressida. I
come to speak with Paris from the Prince Troilus; I will make a
complimental assault upon him, for my business seethes.
It would seem, fellow, that you haven't seen the Lady Cressida. I've come to speak with Paris on behalf of Prince Troilus; I'll make a courteous approach to him, because my business is urgent.
It looks like you haven't actually seen my cousin Cressida, friend. I'm here to talk to Paris for Prince Troilus, and I need to do it smoothly because my business is really pressing.
u havent seen cressida. gotta talk 2 paris 4 troilus. urgent stuff
Sodden business! There’s a stew’d phrase indeed!
Urgent business! There's a heated phrase for you!
Urgent business! Now that's one way to put it!
lol urgent is one way 2 put it
Helen of Troy is the ostensible cause of the greatest war in antiquity, the most beautiful woman in the world, the face that launched a thousand ships. In Shakespeare's play she appears in exactly one scene, says very little, makes a bawdy joke, asks for a song, and leaves. This is brilliant and deliberate. Shakespeare gives us Helen as the war sees her: a pretty, charming, unserious woman whose beauty is real but whose significance is entirely constructed by others. Every 'worth' of Helen is assigned to her — by Paris, by Pandarus, by Troilus's rhetoric in 2-2. The real Helen, insofar as we see her, is just a woman enjoying an afternoon. The gap between her and the war fought in her name is the play's cruelest joke.
Fair be to you, my lord, and to all this fair company! Fair desires, in
all fair measure, fairly guide them—especially to you, fair queen! Fair
thoughts be your fair pillow.
Fair greetings to you, my lord, and to all this lovely company! May fair desires and proper measures fairly guide them—especially to you, fair queen! May fair thoughts be your pillow when you sleep.
Blessings and greetings to you, sir, and to all these wonderful people! May good things guide you all—especially you, beautiful queen! May pleasant thoughts fill your sleep.
hey everyone! be blessed. rest well beautiful queen
Helen speaks in short, playful assertions — she's charming, superficial, and completely unaware of (or unbothered by) her function as the war's justification. Watch for how little she actually says about anything that matters.
Dear lord, you are full of fair words.
My lord, you're full of flowery compliments.
Sir, you do love your pretty words.
u say nice things
You speak your fair pleasure, sweet queen. Fair prince, here is good
broken music.
You express what pleases you, sweet queen. Fair prince, here's lovely ensemble music.
You're being charming, sweet queen. And here's some lovely music we have, prince.
nice words 4 u queen. we got music prince
You have broke it, cousin; and by my life, you shall make it whole
again; you shall piece it out with a piece of your performance.
You broke it, cousin; and by my life, you'll have to put it back together. You'll complete it with a performance of your own.
You broke it, cousin—and I swear, you're going to have to fix it. You'll have to make up for it with a song.
u broke it cousin. u gotta fix it w/ a song
He is full of harmony.
He's full of musical talent.
He's really talented musically.
hes talented
Truly, lady, no.
Truly, lady, no.
truly, lady, no.
truly, lady, no.
O, sir—
O, sir—
o, sir—
o, sir—
Rude, in sooth; in good sooth, very rude.
No, quite rude, honestly; truly rude.
No, actually—he's rude, honestly. Very rude.
nah hes kinda rude tho
Well said, my lord. Well, you say so in fits.
Well spoken, my lord. Though you do contradict yourself sometimes.
Well said, sir. Though you keep changing your mind.
ok but u kinda flip flop
I have business to my lord, dear queen. My lord, will you vouchsafe me
a word?
I have business to discuss with my lord, dear queen. My lord, will you give me a moment?
I've got to talk to him about something, dear queen. Sir, can I have a word?
can i talk 2 u privately
Nay, this shall not hedge us out. We’ll hear you sing, certainly—
No, we won't let you sidestep us. You'll sing for us, definitely—
No way, you're not getting out of this. You're going to sing for us—for sure—
nope ur singing 4 us
Well sweet queen, you are pleasant with me. But, marry, thus, my lord:
my dear lord and most esteemed friend, your brother Troilus—
Well, sweet queen, you're enjoying teasing me. But here's the thing, my lord: my dear lord and most valued friend, your brother Troilus—
Okay, sweet queen, you're having fun with me. But listen, sir: my most esteemed friend, your brother Troilus—
ok ur having fun. but my lord ur brother troilus
My Lord Pandarus, honey-sweet lord—
My Lord Pandarus, sweetest of lords—
Lord Pandarus, sweetest lord—
lord pandarus honey
Go to, sweet queen, go to—commends himself most affectionately to you—
Come now, sweet queen, come—he sends you his most affectionate regards—
Come on, sweet queen—he's sending you his warmest regards—
hes sending u love
You shall not bob us out of our melody. If you do, our melancholy upon
your head!
You won't distract us from our song. If you do, you'll have misery on your head!
You can't mess with our music. If you do, you're going to regret it!
dont wreck our song or ur in trouble
Sweet queen, sweet queen; that’s a sweet queen, i’ faith.
Sweet queen, sweet queen; that's a sweet queen, truly.
Sweet queen, sweet queen—now that's what I call a sweet queen.
ur sweet queen fr
And to make a sweet lady sad is a sour offence.
And making a sweet lady sad is a terrible offense.
And upsetting a sweet lady is a real shame.
sad queen is bad
Nay, that shall not serve your turn; that shall it not, in truth, la.
Nay, I care not for such words; no, no.—And, my lord, he desires you
that, if the King call for him at supper, you will make his excuse.
No, that won't help you out; it truly won't, really. No, I don't care for those kinds of words; no, no.—And, my lord, he asks that if the King calls for him at dinner, you will make an excuse for him.
No, that won't work; it won't work, really—no excuses. I'm serious.—And he's asking, sir, that if the King asks for him at dinner, you'll say he's not available.
nah that wont work. tell king hes busy if he asks 4 dinner
My Lord Pandarus!
My Lord Pandarus!
my lord pandarus!
my lord pandarus!
What says my sweet queen, my very very sweet queen?
What is my sweet queen saying, my very very sweet queen?
What are you saying, my beautiful queen? You're so sweet.
what do u want beautiful
What exploit’s in hand? Where sups he tonight?
What's he planning? Where is he having dinner tonight?
What's going on? Where's he eating tonight?
whats happening where hes eating
Nay, but, my lord—
No, but, my lord—
But wait, sir—
but like
What says my sweet queen?—My cousin will fall out with you.
What's my sweet queen saying?—My cousin will get angry with you.
What are you saying, sweet queen?—Cressida's going to be upset with you.
cressida gonna be mad at u
You must not know where he sups.
You're not supposed to know where he's dining.
You're not supposed to know where he's going.
u shouldnt know where hes going
I’ll lay my life, with my disposer Cressida.
I'll bet my life he's dining with Cressida.
I'd put money on it—he's with Cressida.
he def w/ cressida
No, no, no such matter; you are wide. Come, your disposer is sick.
No, no, nothing like that; you're way off. Listen, his companion is sick.
No, you're completely wrong. His companion is ill.
nah cressida sick
Well, I’ll make’s excuse.
Well, I'll make an excuse for him.
Fine, I'll cover for him.
ill cover 4 him
Ay, good my lord. Why should you say Cressida?
No, your poor disposer’s sick.
Yes, good sir. Why would you say Cressida? No, his poor companion is sick.
Right, good sir. Why are you bringing up Cressida? No—his companion is not well.
right why mention cressida lol. shes just sick
Pandarus's song — 'Love, love, nothing but love' — is cheerful and bawdy. The imagery is all of Cupid's arrows creating wounds that 'tickle still the sore,' lovers who 'die' (Elizabethan slang for orgasm) and yet live on. It's the play's most explicit commentary on desire: love is wounding, the wound doesn't kill but keeps hurting pleasurably, and the dying lover revives to die again. Shakespeare has his pimp character sing a song about exactly what he's doing — arranging a liaison whose pleasures will turn to wounds, whose deaths will not quite kill. The song is funny and uncomfortable in equal measure.
I spy.
I spy.
i spy.
i spy.
You spy! What do you spy?—Come, give me an instrument. Now, sweet
queen.
You understand! What do you understand?—Come on, give me an instrument. Now, sweet queen.
Oh, I see what you're doing! Come on, hand me an instrument. Now, sweet queen.
i see u. gimme music queen
Why, this is kindly done.
Why, this is generous.
Well, that's nice of you.
thats nice
My niece is horribly in love with a thing you have, sweet queen.
My niece is terribly in love with something you have, sweet queen.
My niece is completely in love with something of yours, sweet queen.
my niece loves ur thing
She shall have it, my lord, if it be not my Lord Paris.
She can have it, my lord, if it's not Lord Paris himself.
She can have it, sir, unless it's Paris himself.
she can have it unless its paris
He? No, she’ll none of him; they two are twain.
Him? No, she won't have him; they're two separate people.
Him? No way—she's not interested in him. They're totally separate.
nah she dont want him theyre different ppl
Falling in, after falling out, may make them three.
If they fall into bed after falling out, they might become three people.
Well, if they get back together after a fight, there might be a baby—then they're three.
if they get back 2gether they might have a kid lol
Come, come. I’ll hear no more of this; I’ll sing you a song now.
Come on. I don't want to hear any more of this; I'll sing you a song now.
Okay, enough. I'm not listening to any more of this. Let me sing you something.
ok enough. lets sing
Ay, ay, prithee now. By my troth, sweet lord, thou hast a fine
forehead.
Yes, yes, please do. By my word, sweet lord, you have a handsome forehead.
Yes, please! Honestly, sweet lord, you've got a really nice face.
yay! ur handsome btw
Ay, you may, you may.
Yes, you may, you may.
Sure, go ahead, compliment me.
aw go on
Let thy song be love. This love will undo us all. O Cupid, Cupid,
Cupid!
Make your song about love. This love is going to ruin us all. Oh Cupid, Cupid, Cupid!
Sing about love. This love is going to be our downfall. Oh Cupid, Cupid, Cupid!
sing love. love will wreck us all. cupid cupid cupid!
Love! Ay, that it shall, i’ faith.
Love! Yes, that it will, truly.
Love! Yeah, it really will.
love yeah itll happen
Ay, good now, love, love, nothing but love.
Yes, please—love, love, nothing but love.
Yes, love, love, nothing else but love.
love love & more love
In good troth, it begins so.
Honestly, that's how it starts.
Yeah, that's pretty much how it begins.
yeah thats how it goes
_Love, love, nothing but love, still love, still more!
For, oh, love’s bow
Shoots buck and doe;
The shaft confounds
Not that it wounds,
But tickles still the sore.
These lovers cry, O ho, they die!
Yet that which seems the wound to kill
Doth turn O ho! to ha! ha! he!
So dying love lives still.
O ho! a while, but ha! ha! ha!
O ho! groans out for ha! ha! ha!—hey ho!_
Love, love, nothing but love, forever more love! For Cupid's arrow Strikes both man and woman; The shot overwhelms— Not by wounding, But by making the wound delightful. These lovers cry out, dying! Yet that which seems the death stroke Transforms their groans to laughter. So love that kills keeps living. Cries of pain then laughter! Groans bloom into joy—whoosh!
It's all love, constantly, more and more! Desire Gets everyone; It conquers— Not through pain, But by making pain feel incredible. Lovers cry like they're dying! But that crushing feeling Actually becomes giggling. So you're dying and living at once. Your cries turn to laughs! Your groans become pure joy—yes!
just love love more desire hits everyone not pain but sweet lovers dying but laughing groans become joy that's the whole thing
In love, i’ faith, to the very tip of the nose.
In love, truly, right down to the very tip of the nose.
In love, absolutely—right down to the tip of his nose.
head over heels in love
He eats nothing but doves, love; and that breeds hot blood, and hot
blood begets hot thoughts, and hot thoughts beget hot deeds, and hot
deeds is love.
He eats nothing but doves, love; and that breeds hot blood, and hot blood produces hot thoughts, and hot thoughts produce hot actions, and hot actions are love.
He only eats doves—that heats up his blood, and hot blood creates hot desires, and hot desires lead to hot actions, and that's what love is.
he eats doves = hot blood = hot thoughts = hot actions = love
Is this the generation of love: hot blood, hot thoughts, and hot deeds?
Why, they are vipers. Is love a generation of vipers? Sweet lord, who’s
a-field today?
Is this how love is created—from hot blood, hot thoughts, and hot actions? Why, they're vipers. Is love a brood of vipers? Sweet lord, who's fighting today?
So love comes from hot blood, hot thoughts, and hot actions? That sounds like vipers. Is love just a nest of vipers? Anyway, sweet sir, who's in battle today?
love = hot blood = hot vipers? whos fighting today
Hector, Deiphobus, Helenus, Antenor, and all the gallantry of Troy. I
would fain have arm’d today, but my Nell would not have it so. How
chance my brother Troilus went not?
Hector, Deiphobus, Helenus, Antenor, and all the brave warriors of Troy. I wanted to fight today myself, but my Nell wouldn't allow it. Why didn't my brother Troilus go out to fight?
Hector, Deiphobus, Helenus, Antenor, and all the warriors of Troy. I wanted to go fight too, but my Helen wouldn't let me. How come Troilus didn't go?
all troy warriors out there. helen wouldt let me fight. why not troilus
He hangs the lip at something. You know all, Lord Pandarus.
He's sulking about something. You know everything, Lord Pandarus.
He's pouting about something. You seem to know all about it, Lord Pandarus.
hes pouty. u know whats up
Not I, honey-sweet queen. I long to hear how they spend today. You’ll
remember your brother’s excuse?
Not I, honey-sweet queen. I'm eager to hear how they spend the day. You'll remember to make the excuse for your brother?
Not me, sweetest queen. I really want to know how the day goes. You'll remember to cover for Troilus, right?
not me honey. remember 2 cover 4 troilus
To a hair.
To a hair.
to a hair.
to a hair.
Farewell, sweet queen.
Farewell, sweet queen.
farewell, sweet queen.
farewell, sweet queen.
Commend me to your niece.
Give my regards to your niece.
Say hello to your niece for me.
say hi 2 cressida 4 me
I will, sweet queen.
I shall certainly do that, sweet queen.
Of course, sweet queen.
will do
They’re come from the field. Let us to Priam’s hall
To greet the warriors. Sweet Helen, I must woo you
To help unarm our Hector. His stubborn buckles,
With these your white enchanting fingers touch’d,
Shall more obey than to the edge of steel
Or force of Greekish sinews; you shall do more
Than all the island kings—disarm great Hector.
They've returned from battle. Let's go to Priam's hall to greet the warriors. Sweet Helen, I must ask you to help disarm our Hector. His tough buckles, if your white enchanting fingers touch them, will obey more readily than the edge of a sword or the strength of Greek muscles; you'll accomplish more than all the island kingdoms—disarm great Hector.
They're back from fighting. Let's go to Priam's palace to welcome the warriors. Sweet Helen, I need your help taking off Hector's armor. Your beautiful fingers can charm those stubborn buckles better than any weapon or warrior's strength. You can do what all the kings of Greece cannot—take down Hector.
warriors back! go to priams. help disarm hector helen. ur fingers > swords. u got this
’Twill make us proud to be his servant, Paris;
Yea, what he shall receive of us in duty
Gives us more palm in beauty than we have,
Yea, overshines ourself.
It would make us proud to be his servant, Paris; yes, what honor we receive by serving him gives us greater beauty than we already possess, yes, it surpasses even our own beauty.
It would be an honor to serve him, Paris. The respect of serving him makes us more beautiful than we already are—it outshines even our own beauty.
id be honored 2 serve. makes me prettier tbh
Sweet, above thought I love thee.
Sweet one, I love you beyond all thought.
Sweetheart, I love you more than words can say.
i love u so much
The Reckoning
This is the comic relief scene that surrounds itself in rot. Paris and Helen seem playful, carefree — but they're the reason Troy is burning. Pandarus's love song is funny and lewd. Helen's laughter is genuine. Everything is charming and hollow. The scene shows us the couple at the center of the war: not scheming, not tragic, just shallow. The whole world is dying for their afternoon.
If this happened today…
A celebrity influencer couple laze around their penthouse while their PR crisis plays out — a fire they started. Their manager drops by with a favor to ask (cover for someone tonight), they flirt and laugh and ask him to sing, and they agree to everything without really tracking what's happening. Their content is gorgeous. Their city is on fire. They'll post about it later.