Mine host of the Garter!
My host of the Garter Inn!
Hey, innkeeper!
yo innkeeper!
The Host of the Garter speaks in exclamations and enthusiastic epithets — 'bully rook,' 'bully Hercules,' 'bully Hector' — addressing everyone as a hero regardless of the situation. Watch for how his language inflates whatever is happening into grand theatre.
What says my bully rook? Speak scholarly and wisely.
What do you have to say, my strong friend? Speak with wisdom and learning.
What's up, my tough friend? Talk sense to me.
what's up strong guy? speak smart
Truly, mine host, I must turn away some of my followers.
Honestly, innkeeper, I must dismiss some of my servants.
Look, I've got to let some of my men go.
i gotta fire some of my guys
Discard, bully Hercules; cashier. Let them wag; trot, trot.
Fire them, my strong friend; dismiss them. Let them move on; hurry along.
Get rid of them, my tough friend. Let them walk away. Go, go.
fire em strong guy. let em go. hurry
I sit at ten pounds a week.
I spend ten pounds per week.
I'm spending ten pounds a week.
i spend 10 pounds a week
Thou’rt an emperor—Caesar, Keiser, and Pheazar. I will entertain
Bardolph. He shall draw, he shall tap. Said I well, bully Hector?
You're an emperor—Caesar and ruler of all. I will employ Bardolph. He shall draw wine, he shall tend bar. Did I speak well, my strong friend?
You're royalty—Caesar, king of everything! I'll hire Bardolph. He can draw wine, he can serve drinks. Did I say it right, my tough friend?
ur an emperor! i'll hire bardolph. he'll pour drinks. right?
Do so, good mine host.
Please do so, good innkeeper.
Yeah, do that, innkeeper.
do it
I have spoke, let him follow.—Let me see thee froth and lime. I am at a
word, follow.
I have spoken; let him come. Let me see you make good foam and bright color in the drinks. I mean what I say; follow through.
It's settled; let him come work. Let me see you pour good drinks. I'm serious; do it.
it's decided. let him come. make good drinks
Bardolph, follow him. A tapster is a good trade. An old cloak makes a
new jerkin; a withered servingman a fresh tapster. Go, adieu.
Bardolph, go with him. Being a bartender is a good profession. An old cloak can be made into a new jacket; an aging servant can become a fresh bartender. Go, goodbye.
Bardolph, go with him. Being a bartender is a good job. Old stuff gets remade; old servants get new life as bartenders. Go on, farewell.
bardolph go. bartending's good. old servants become new bartenders. bye
It is a life that I have desired. I will thrive.
It is a life I have always wanted. I will succeed.
This is what I've always wanted. I'll do well.
this is what i wanted. i'll make it
O base Hungarian wight, wilt thou the spigot wield?
You low Hungarian wretch, will you operate the tap?
You pathetic Hungarian, are you going to handle the tap?
u gonna work the tap?
He was gotten in drink. Is not the humour conceited?
He was made in a state of drunkenness. Isn't this absurdity amusing?
He was born out of drunkenness. Isn't this situation funny?
he was created while drunk isnt this ridiculous
I am glad I am so acquit of this tinderbox. His thefts were too open.
His filching was like an unskilful singer, he kept not time.
I am glad I'm rid of that troublemaker. His thefts were too obvious. His stealing was like an unskilled singer—he had no sense of timing.
I'm relieved to get rid of that hot-headed guy. His thefts were too obvious. His stealing was like an unskilled singer with no rhythm.
glad i fired that guy. his stealing was too obvious. no rhythm
Falstaff's scheme isn't just about lust — it's primarily financial. He says it plainly: she 'has all the rule of her husband's purse,' she 'bears the purse too.' Married women of the prosperous middle class controlled household budgets, which meant actual money. Falstaff, who has no income and enormous debts, is targeting a specific vulnerability in the social structure: wives who control cash but are legally subordinate to their husbands, who might not notice a drain if it looked like household expense. The comedy destroys this plan completely, but Shakespeare takes the time to make it logical.
The good humour is to steal at a minute’s rest.
The clever thing to do is steal during a moment of peace.
The smart way to steal is to do it when no one's watching.
smart thieves steal when ppl aren't looking
“Convey,” the wise it call. “Steal?” Foh! A _fico_ for the phrase!
'Convey' is what the wise call it. 'Steal'? Nonsense! I reject that crude word!
The smart people call it 'conveying.' Stealing? No way! That's not the word I'd use!
'convey' is the classy word. not steal
Well, sirs, I am almost out at heels.
Well, gentlemen, I am nearly broke.
Look, I'm running out of money.
i'm broke
Why, then, let kibes ensue.
Then let cracked heels and sores follow.
Then expect to get painful cracks on your heels.
then u'll get sore feet
There is no remedy, I must cony-catch, I must shift.
There's no other way; I must con people, I must use tricks.
I have no choice; I have to con people, I have to scheme.
i gotta scam ppl. i gotta scheme
Young ravens must have food.
Young ravens must eat.
Young ones need to eat.
gotta eat
Which of you know Ford of this town?
Which of you knows Ford of this town?
Does anyone here know Ford?
anyone know ford?
I ken the wight, he is of substance good.
I know the fellow; he is a man of good means.
I know him; he's a man of wealth.
i know him. he's rich
My honest lads, I will tell you what I am about.
My honest fellows, I will tell you my plan.
Guys, I'm going to tell you what I'm up to.
i'll tell u my plan
Two yards, and more.
About two yards and then some.
He's pushing two yards around.
2 yards plus
No quips now, Pistol. Indeed, I am in the waist two yards about, but I
am now about no waste; I am about thrift. Briefly, I do mean to make
love to Ford’s wife. I spy entertainment in her. She discourses, she
carves, she gives the leer of invitation. I can construe the action of
her familiar style; and the hardest voice of her behaviour, to be
Englished rightly, is “I am Sir John Falstaff’s.”
No jokes now, Pistol. True, I am around two yards in the waist, but now I'm not about waste; I'm focused on thrift. In short, I intend to seduce Ford's wife. I see potential in her. She talks, she entertains, she flirts with me. I can understand the meaning of her familiar manner; and the truest expression of her behavior, properly understood, is 'I belong to Sir John Falstaff.'
No jokes, Pistol. Yeah, I'm about two yards around the middle, but I'm not wasting money now—I'm being careful. Here's the thing: I'm going to seduce Ford's wife. She likes me. She talks to me, she flirts with me, she's interested in me. I can read her signals; and what she's really saying is 'I want Sir John Falstaff.'
no jokes. i'm fat but careful now. gonna seduce ford's wife. she likes me flirts. says she wants me
He hath studied her will and translated her will—out of honesty into
English.
He has studied what she desires and translated it clearly—from proper behavior into plain speech.
He's figured out what she wants and said it straight—she's into him.
he knows what she wants. she's into him
The anchor is deep. Will that humour pass?
The scheme is substantial. Will that plan work?
That's a serious plan. Will it work?
solid plan. will it work?
Now, the report goes she has all the rule of her husband’s purse. He
hath a legion of angels.
Now, the word is she controls her husband's purse. He has plenty of money.
Word is, she controls the money, and he's loaded.
she controls the money. he's rich
As many devils entertain, and “To her, boy,” say I.
As many devils encourage it, and 'Go to her, boy,' I say.
Hell with it; go for her, I say.
go for it. go to her
The humour rises; it is good. Humour me the angels.
The scheme gains momentum; it is good. Give me a share of the money.
This is getting good. Cut me in for some of that cash.
this is good. give me some money
Both Pistol and Nym refuse to deliver the love letters on the grounds that serving as a romantic go-between — a pander — is beneath them. This from two men who pick pockets and swindle drunks. Their hierarchy of crime is real to them: theft is soldierly, a man's business; pandering is contemptible. When they then rat Falstaff out to the husbands, it's not loyalty to the women — it's revenge on Falstaff for dismissing them, dressed up as principle. Shakespeare gives them enough self-awareness to be funny and enough consistency to be believable.
I have writ me here a letter to her; and here another to Page’s wife,
who even now gave me good eyes too, examined my parts with most
judicious oeillades. Sometimes the beam of her view gilded my foot,
sometimes my portly belly.
I have written a letter to Ford's wife; and here is another to Page's wife, who also gave me good looks, examined me with very judicious glances. Sometimes her gaze fell on my foot, sometimes on my round belly.
I've written a letter to Ford's wife, and another to Page's wife, who was also checking me out, looking me over with knowing glances. Sometimes she looked at my feet, sometimes at my belly.
wrote letters to both wives. they were looking at me. at my belly lol
Then did the sun on dunghill shine.
Then the sun shone on dung.
Then light fell on a pile of manure.
sun shining on manure
I thank thee for that humour.
I thank you for that wit.
That's funny, thanks.
lol thanks
O, she did so course o’er my exteriors with such a greedy intention
that the appetite of her eye did seem to scorch me up like a
burning-glass. Here’s another letter to her. She bears the purse too;
she is a region in Guiana, all gold and bounty. I will be cheaters to
them both, and they shall be exchequers to me; they shall be my East
and West Indies, and I will trade to them both. Go, bear thou this
letter to Mistress Page;—and thou this to Mistress Ford. We will
thrive, lads, we will thrive.
Oh, she looked me over with such greedy desire that her gaze seemed to burn me like a magnifying glass. Here's another letter to her. She has control of money too; she is like a region in Guiana, all gold and riches. I will deceive both of them, and they shall be sources of money for me; they shall be my entire world for profit, and I will use both for gain. Go, carry this letter to Mistress Page;—and you carry this to Mistress Ford. We will succeed, lads, we will succeed.
She was looking me over so intensely, like she was burning a hole in me with her gaze. Here's another letter. She's got money too; she's basically a goldmine. I'm going to play both of them, and they're going to make me rich. They're my whole world right now, and I'm going to profit from them. Go deliver this to Mistress Page, and you to Mistress Ford. We're going to be loaded, guys.
she was looking at me hot. got another letter 4 her. she's rich 2. both r goldmines. gonna profit. we'll be rich
Shall I Sir Pandarus of Troy become,
And by my side wear steel? Then Lucifer take all!
Shall I become like Pandarus, a go-between for lovers, and also wear a sword? Then let the devil take everything!
Should I become a go-between and a soldier? Then let hell take all!
should i be matchmaker? screw it!
I will run no base humour. Here, take the humour-letter. I will keep
the ’haviour of reputation.
I will not participate in this shameful scheme. You take the letter. I will preserve my reputation.
I'm not going along with this dishonorable plan. You take the letter. I'm keeping my good name.
i won't do this. u take letter. i'm keeping my rep
[_To Robin_.] Hold, sirrah, bear you these letters tightly;
Sail like my pinnace to these golden shores.—
Rogues, hence, avaunt! Vanish like hailstones, go!
Trudge, plod away o’ th’ hoof, seek shelter, pack!
Falstaff will learn the humour of this age:
French thrift, you rogues—myself and skirted page.
Hold there, boy, carry these letters carefully; sail like my little ship to those golden shores. Rogues, get out of here, away with you! Vanish like hailstones, go! Trudge, plod away on foot, find shelter, pack up! Falstaff will learn the ways of this age: live cheaply like the French do, you rogues—just me and my page boy.
Listen, boy, get these letters there safe. Go like a little ship to those golden shores. Get out of here, you rogues! Disappear like hailstones, just go! Trudge away on foot, find somewhere to hide, get lost! I'm going to learn how to do this the modern way: live cheap and keep money like the French, you rogues—me and my page.
boy carry these safely sail to golden shores rogues vanish like hailstones trudge away on foot i'll learn this age live cheap like the french
Let vultures gripe thy guts! For gourd and fullam holds,
And high and low beguile the rich and poor.
Tester I’ll have in pouch when thou shalt lack,
Base Phrygian Turk!
May vultures tear your guts! For cheating tricks hold firm, And both rich and poor are deceived. I'll have a coin in my pocket when you lack one, Base worthless man!
May vultures rip your guts out! These cheating tricks work great—we fool rich and poor alike. I'll have money in my pocket when you're broke, you lowlife!
may vultures eat ur guts cheating tricks work on rich & poor ill have money when u dont u worthless dog
I have operations in my head which be humours of revenge.
I have schemes in my mind that are driven by revenge.
I've got plans for revenge brewing in my head.
i'm planning revenge
Wilt thou revenge?
Will you take revenge?
Are you going to get revenge?
u gonna get revenge?
By welkin and her star!
By the sky and by her star! Yes!
By God and everything! Yes!
yeah by everything!
With wit or steel?
With cleverness or with swords?
With brains or with steel?
brains or swords?
With both the humours, I.
I will discuss the humour of this love to Ford.
With both cleverness and force, I will. I will tell Ford about Falstaff's seduction scheme.
Both ways. I'm going to tell Ford about Falstaff's plan to seduce his wife.
both ways. i'm telling ford about falstaff hitting on his wife
And I to Page shall eke unfold
How Falstaff, varlet vile,
His dove will prove, his gold will hold,
And his soft couch defile.
And I will also reveal to Page how Falstaff, that vile rogue, will seduce his wife, take his money, and dishonor his home.
And I'm going to tell Page how Falstaff will seduce his wife, take his money, and shame his house.
i'll tell page falstaff's seducing his wife 4 money
My humour shall not cool. I will incense Ford to deal with poison, I
will possess him with yellowness, for the revolt of mine is dangerous.
That is my true humour.
My resolve will not diminish. I will make Ford furious enough to use poison, I will fill him with jealousy, because my revenge is dangerous. That is my true motivation.
I'm not backing down. I'll make Ford so angry he'll consider poison, I'll make him crazy jealous, because my revenge is serious. That's what drives me.
i won't stop. i'll make ford crazy jealous. my revenge is serious
Thou art the Mars of malcontents. I second thee. Troop on.
You are the god of war for the discontented. I support you. Go forward.
You're the warrior of rebels. I'm with you. Let's go.
u'r the warrior. i'm with u. let's go
The Reckoning
This is the scene where the whole plot is born. Falstaff is broke, shameless, and convinced that both married women are secretly in love with him. His logic — that their friendliness equals invitation — is simultaneously ridiculous and, in his worldview, perfectly coherent. The deeper comedy is that Pistol and Nym, who have principles against pandering (they draw the line there, having drawn it nowhere else), become the instruments of his downfall by ratting to the husbands. Falstaff's plan is doomed before the ink is dry.
If this happened today…
A broke influencer, living on borrowed money at a hotel he can no longer afford, decides the solution is to slide into the DMs of two married women he's met once at a party because he interpreted their politeness as attraction. When he tells his entourage and asks them to deliver the messages, they refuse on the grounds that they have standards. They then immediately text the husbands.