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Act 4, Scene 4 — The field of battle.
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Original
Faithful Conversational Text-message
The argument Pistol captures a French soldier through a chaos of misunderstanding, bluster, and the Boy's reluctant translation — then the Boy notes drily that only boys guard the English baggage.
Alarum. Excursions. Enter Pistol, French Soldier and Boy.
PISTOL

Yield, cur!

Yield, cur!

Yield, cur!

Yield, cur!

FRENCH SOLDIER

_Je pense que vous êtes le gentilhomme de bonne qualité._

_Je pense que vous êtes le gentilhomme de bonne qualité._

_Je pense que vous êtes le gentilhomme de bonne qualité._

_Je pense que vous êtes le gentilhomme de bonne qualité._

PISTOL ≋ verse

_Qualité? Caleno custore me!_

Art thou a gentleman?

What is thy name? Discuss.

_Qualité? Caleno custore me!_ Art you a gentleman? What is your name? Discuss.

_Qualité? Caleno custore me!_ Art you a gentleman? What 's your name? D'scuss.

_qualité? caleno custore me!_ art you a gentleman? what is your name? discuss.

FRENCH SOLDIER

_O Seigneur Dieu!_

_O Seigneur Dieu!_

_O Seigneur Dieu!_

_O Seigneur Dieu!_

PISTOL ≋ verse

O, Signieur Dew should be a gentleman.

Perpend my words, O Signieur Dew, and mark:

O Signieur Dew, thou diest on point of fox,

Except, O signieur, thou do give to me

Egregious ransom.

O, Signieur Dew should be a gentleman. Perpend my words, O Signieur Dew, and mark: O Signieur Dew, you diest on point of fox, Except, O signieur, you do give to me Egregious ransom.

O, Signieur Dew should be a gentleman. Perpend my words, O Signieur Dew, and mark: O Signieur Dew, you diest on point of fox, Except, O signieur, you do give to me Egregious ransom.

o, signieur dew should be a gentleman. perpend my words, o signieur dew, and mar

"Signieur Dew" Pistol has heard 'Seigneur Dieu' (Lord God) and taken 'Dieu' as the soldier's surname — 'Monsieur Dew.' Every exchange that follows is based on this fundamental misunderstanding.
FRENCH SOLDIER

_O, prenez miséricorde! Ayez pitié de moi!_

_O, prenez miséricorde! Ayez pitié de moi!_

_O, prenez miséricorde! Ayez pitié de moi!_

_O, prenez miséricorde! Ayez pitié de moi!_

PISTOL ≋ verse

Moy shall not serve; I will have forty moys,

Or I will fetch thy rim out at thy throat

In drops of crimson blood.

Moy shall not serve; I will have forty moys, Or I will fetch your rim out at your throat In drops of crimson blood.

Moy shall not serve; I will have forty moys, Or I will fetch your rim out at your throat In drops of crimson blood.

moy shall not serve; i will have forty moys, or i will fetch your rim out at you

FRENCH SOLDIER

_Est-il impossible d’échapper la force de ton bras?_

_Est-il impossible d’échapper la force de ton bras?_

_Est-il impossible d’échapper la force de ton bras?_

_Est-il impossible d’échapper la force de ton bras?_

PISTOL ≋ verse

Brass, cur!

Thou damned and luxurious mountain goat,

Offer’st me brass?

Brass, cur! Thou damned and luxurious mountain goat, Offer’st me brass?

Brass, cur! Thou damned and luxurious mountain goat, Offer’st me brass?

Brass, cur! Thou damned and luxurious mountain goat, Offer’s

"Brass, cur!" The French soldier said 'bras' (arm). Pistol hears 'brass' and thinks he's being offered a worthless metal instead of gold. A third compounding misunderstanding.
FRENCH SOLDIER

_O pardonnez-moi!_

_O pardonnez-moi!_

_O pardonnez-moi!_

_O pardonnez-moi!_

PISTOL ≋ verse

Say’st thou me so? Is that a ton of moys?

Come hither, boy; ask me this slave in French

What is his name.

Say’st you me so? Is that a ton of moys? Come hither, boy; ask me this slave in French What is his name.

Say’st you me so? Is that a ton of moys? Come hither, boy; ask me th's slave in French What 's h's name.

say’st you me so? is that a ton of moys? come hither, boy; ask me this slave in

BOY

_Écoutez. Comment êtes-vous appelé?_

_Écoutez. Comment êtes-vous appelé?_

_Écoutez. Comment êtes-vous appelé?_

_Écoutez. Comment êtes-vous appelé?_

FRENCH SOLDIER

_Monsieur le Fer._

_Monsieur le Fer._

_Monsieur le Fer._

_Monsieur le Fer._

BOY

He says his name is Master Fer.

He says his name is Master Fer.

He says his name is Master Fer.

He says his name is Master Fer.

PISTOL ≋ verse

Master Fer! I’ll fer him, and firk him, and ferret him.

Discuss the same in French unto him.

Master Fer! I’ll fer him, and firk him, and ferret him. Discuss the same in French unto him.

Master Fer! I’ll fer him, and firk him, and ferret him. Discuss the same in French unto him.

Master Fer! I’ll fer him, and firk him, and ferret him. Disc

BOY

I do not know the French for fer, and ferret, and firk.

I do not know the French for fer, and ferret, and firk.

I do not know the French for fer, and ferret, and firk.

I do not know the French for fer, and ferret, and firk.

PISTOL

Bid him prepare; for I will cut his throat.

Bid him prepare; for I will cut his throat.

Bid him prepare; for I will cut his throat.

Bid him prepare; for I will cut his throat.

FRENCH SOLDIER

_Que dit-il, monsieur?_

_Que dit-il, monsieur?_

_Que dit-il, monsieur?_

_Que dit-il, monsieur?_

BOY

_Il me commande à vous dire que vous faites vous prêt, car ce soldat

ici est disposé tout à cette heure de couper votre gorge._

_Il me commande à vous dire que vous faites vous prêt, car ce soldat ici est disposé tout à cette heure de couper votre gorge._

_Il me commande à vous dire que vous faites vous prêt, car ce soldat ici est disposé tout à cette heure de couper votre gorge._

_Il me commande à vous dire que vous faites vous prêt, car c

PISTOL ≋ verse

Owy, cuppele gorge, permafoy,

Peasant, unless thou give me crowns, brave crowns;

Or mangled shalt thou be by this my sword.

Owy, cuppele gorge, permafoy, Peasant, unless you give me crowns, brave crowns; Or mangled shalt you be by this my sword.

Owy, cuppele gorge, permafoy, Peasant, unless you give me crowns, brave crowns; Or mangled shalt you be by th's my sword.

owy, cuppele gorge, permafoy, peasant, unless you give me crowns, brave crowns;

FRENCH SOLDIER

_O, je vous supplie, pour l’amour de Dieu, me pardonner! Je suis le

gentilhomme de bonne maison; gardez ma vie, et je vous donnerai deux

cents écus._

_O, je vous supplie, pour l’amour de Dieu, me pardonner! Je suis le gentilhomme de bonne maison; gardez ma vie, et je vous donnerai deux cents écus._

_O, je vous supplie, pour l’amour de Dieu, me pardonner! Je suis le gentilhomme de bonne maison; gardez ma vie, et je vous donnerai deux cents écus._

_O, je vous supplie, pour l’amour de Dieu, me pardonner! Je

PISTOL

What are his words?

What are his words?

What are his words?

What are his words?

BOY

He prays you to save his life. He is a gentleman of a good house; and

for his ransom he will give you two hundred crowns.

He prays you to save his life. He is a gentleman of a good house; and for his ransom he will give you two hundred crowns.

He prays you to save his life. He is a gentleman of a good house; and for his ransom he will give you two hundred crowns.

He prays you to save his life. He is a gentleman of a good h

PISTOL ≋ verse

Tell him my fury shall abate, and I

The crowns will take.

Tell him my fury shall abate, and I The crowns will take.

Tell him my fury shall abate, and I The crowns will take.

Tell him my fury shall abate, and I The crowns will take.

FRENCH SOLDIER

_Petit monsieur, que dit-il?_

_Petit monsieur, que dit-il?_

_Petit monsieur, que dit-il?_

_Petit monsieur, que dit-il?_

BOY

_Encore qu’il est contre son jurement de pardonner aucun prisonnier;

néanmoins, pour les écus que vous lui avez promis, il est content à

vous donner la liberté, le franchisement._

_Encore qu’il est contre son jurement de pardonner aucun prisonnier; néanmoins, pour les écus que vous lui avez promis, il est content à vous donner la liberté, le franchisement._

_Encore qu’il est contre son jurement de pardonner aucun prisonnier; néanmoins, pour les écus que vous lui avez promis, il est content à vous donner la liberté, le franchisement._

_Encore qu’il est contre son jurement de pardonner aucun pri

FRENCH SOLDIER

_Sur mes genoux je vous donne mille remerciements; et je m’estime

heureux que je suis tombé entre les mains d’un chevalier, je pense, le

plus brave, vaillant, et très distingué seigneur d’Angleterre._

_Sur mes genoux je vous donne mille remerciements; et je m’estime heureux que je suis tombé entre les mains d’un chevalier, je pense, le plus brave, vaillant, et très distingué seigneur d’Angleterre._

_Sur mes genoux je vous donne mille remerciements; et je m’estime heureux que je suis tombé entre les mains d’un chevalier, je pense, le plus brave, vaillant, et très distingué seigneur d’Angleterre._

_Sur mes genoux je vous donne mille remerciements; et je m’e

PISTOL

Expound unto me, boy.

Expound unto me, boy.

Expound unto me, boy.

Expound unto me, boy.

BOY

He gives you upon his knees, a thousand thanks; and he esteems himself

happy that he hath fallen into the hands of one, as he thinks, the most

brave, valorous, and thrice-worthy _seigneur_ of England.

He gives you upon his knees, a thousand thanks; and he esteems himself happy that he has fallen into the hands of one, as he thinks, the most brave, valorous, and thrice-worthy _seigneur_ of England.

He gives you upon h's knees, a thousand thanks; and he esteems himself happy that he has fallen into the hands of one, as he thinks, the most brave, valorous, and thrice-worthy _seigneur_ of England.

he gives you upon his knees, a thousand thanks; and he esteems himself happy tha

PISTOL ≋ verse

As I suck blood, I will some mercy show.

Follow me!

As I suck blood, I will some mercy show. Follow me!

As I suck blood, I will some mercy show. Follow me!

As I suck blood, I will some mercy show. Follow me!

🎭 Dramatic irony Pistol spares the soldier's life only because of the flattery — 'the most brave, valorous, and thrice-worthy seigneur of England.' The audience knows Pistol is the least of these things. The French soldier survives by telling the most accurate lie.
BOY

_Suivez-vous le grand capitaine._

_Suivez-vous le grand capitaine._

_Suivez-vous le grand capitaine._

_Suivez-vous le grand capitaine._

[_Exeunt Pistol and French Soldier._]
I did never know so full a voice issue from so empty a heart; but the
saying is true, “The empty vessel makes the greatest sound.” Bardolph
and Nym had ten times more valour than this roaring devil i’ the old
play, that everyone may pare his nails with a wooden dagger; and they
are both hang’d; and so would this be, if he durst steal anything
adventurously. I must stay with the lackeys with the luggage of our
camp. The French might have a good prey of us, if he knew of it; for
there is none to guard it but boys.
[_Exit._]

The Reckoning

This is the comic interlude in the middle of Agincourt, and it is doing real work. Pistol's scene is deliberately bathetic — the grand heroism of the St. Crispin's Day speech measured against a man who can't speak French, threatening to gut someone while mishearing 'Dieu' as a title. The Boy's closing speech is the punchline that isn't funny: Bardolph and Nym, braver than Pistol, are both hanged; and only boys guard the luggage. He's about to be killed.

If this happened today…

A very large, very loud man who doesn't speak French corners a French tourist at a rest stop and mistakes every attempt at communication for an insult. His twelve-year-old nephew has to translate. The nephew quietly tells his friends afterward that his uncle is all bark and no bite — but also that the family car is unlocked and they're the only ones watching it.

Continue to 4.5 →