Has this advice I told you, done any good upon her?
Has the advice I gave you done any good with her?
So, has the advice I mentioned actually been helping?
did the advice help her any?
O, very much. The maids that kept her company
Have half persuaded her that I am Palamon;
Within this half-hour she came smiling to me,
And asked me what I would eat, and when I would kiss her.
I told her “Presently,” and kissed her twice.
Very much so. The girls who stay with her Have almost convinced her that I am Palamon. Within this half hour she came smiling to me, And asked me what I would eat, and when I would kiss her. I told her right away and kissed her twice.
A lot, actually. The girls keeping her company have basically talked her into thinking I'm Palamon. So like thirty minutes ago she came up to me all smiles and asked what I wanted to eat and when I was going to kiss her. I told her immediately and kissed her twice.
loads the girls convinced her i'm palamon she asked me what i'd eat when id kiss her i kissed her twice lol
’Twas well done. Twenty times had been far better,
For there the cure lies mainly.
That was well done. Twenty times would have been far better, Because that's where the real cure lies.
Good job. Twenty would've been even better though—that's what actually heals her.
good. twenty times woulda been better that's where the cure is
Then she told me
She would watch with me tonight, for well she knew
What hour my fit would take me.
Then she told me She would stay awake with me tonight, because she knew When my episode would strike.
Then she told me she'd stay up with me tonight because she knows exactly when my fits happen.
she'll watch over me tonight knows when my fits come
Let her do so,
And when your fit comes, fit her home, and presently.
Let her do that. And when your episode comes on, satisfy her completely, and right away.
Let her. And when you get that fit, make sure you really satisfy her, and do it immediately.
let her. when it hits satisfy her completely, do it now
She would have me sing.
She wanted me to sing.
She wanted me to sing for her.
wanted me to perform
You did so?
You did so?
In other words: you did so?
you did so
No.
No.
In other words: no.
no
’Twas very ill done, then;
You should observe her every way.
That was very poor judgment then. You should do whatever she wants.
That was a bad move. You need to go along with whatever she wants.
that was dumb you gotta do whatever she asks
Alas,
I have no voice, sir, to confirm her that way.
Sadly, I don't have a voice good enough to help her that way.
Look, I'm just not a good singer, so it doesn't help her that way.
i can't sing well enough man
That’s all one, if ye make a noise.
If she entreat again, do anything.
Lie with her, if she ask you.
That doesn't matter if you make any noise. If she asks again, do anything. Sleep with her if she asks you.
Doesn't matter as long as you're making some kind of sound. If she wants you to do something, do it. Sleep with her if she asks.
doesn't matter if you make noise do whatever she wants sleep with her if she asks
Hoa, there, doctor!
Hello, doctor!
Hey, doctor!
hey doc
Yes, in the way of cure.
Yes, in the service of healing her.
Yeah, but it's all for her treatment.
yeah for her cure
But first, by your leave,
I’ th’ way of honesty.
But first, if you don't mind, In the service of decency.
But first, with your permission, in the name of decency.
first tho for honesty's sake
That’s but a niceness,
Ne’er cast your child away for honesty.
Cure her first this way; then if she will be honest,
She has the path before her.
That's just being overly fussy. Don't throw your daughter away for morality's sake. Cure her first this way; then if she wants to be moral, She'll have that option ahead of her.
That's just being squeamish. Don't sacrifice your daughter's health for the sake of propriety. Cure her first, and then if she wants to be proper, she can be.
that's just being uptight don't throw her away for honesty cure her first. she can be moral later
Thank ye, Doctor.
Thank ye, Doctor.
In other words: thank ye, doctor.
thank ye doctor
Pray, bring her in,
And let’s see how she is.
Please bring her in, And let's see how she's doing.
Go ahead and bring her out, and let's see how she's doing.
bring her in lets see how she is
I will, and tell her
Her Palamon stays for her. But, Doctor,
Methinks you are i’ th’ wrong still.
I will, and tell her That Palamon is waiting for her. But, Doctor, I think you're in the wrong.
I will, I'll tell her Palamon's waiting for her. But Doctor, I think you're making a mistake.
i will tell her palamon's waiting but doc i think you're wrong
Go, go;
You fathers are fine fools. Her honesty?
An we should give her physic till we find that!
Go on, go on. You fathers are stubborn fools. Her virtue? If we had to give her medicine until we found that, we'd never stop!
Come on, come on. You fathers are such fools. Her virtue? If we had to treat her until we found that, we'd never finish!
go on you dads are fools her virtue? we'd never find it
Why, do you think she is not honest, sir?
Do you really think she isn't respectable, sir?
You don't think she's respectable, do you?
you dont think she's honest?
How old is she?
What age is she?
So how many years old is she?
shes how old
She’s eighteen.
She’s eighteen.
In other words: she’s eighteen.
she’s eighteen
She may be,
But that’s all one; ’tis nothing to our purpose.
Whate’er her father says, if you perceive
Her mood inclining that way that I spoke of,
_Videlicet_, the way of flesh—you have me?
She might be, But that doesn't matter; it's nothing to what I'm saying. No matter what her father says, if you see Her mood going the way I described, Namely, the way of the body—you understand me?
Sure, she might be. But that doesn't matter; it's irrelevant. Whatever her father says, if you notice her mood going the way I'm talking about, that is, the physical way—you get what I'm saying?
maybe but so what if she gets in that mood i mentioned the physical way you know
Yes, very well, sir.
Yes, absolutely, sir.
Yes, totally, sir.
yeah for sure
Please her appetite,
And do it home; it cures her, _ipso facto_,
The melancholy humour that infects her.
Satisfy her desires, And do it thoroughly; it heals her, as a matter of fact, Of the melancholy sickness that's afflicting her.
Give her what she wants, and really commit to it. That's what actually cures her—it heals that melancholy illness she's got.
satisfy her do it right. cures her melancholy for real
I am of your mind, Doctor.
I'm with you on that, Doctor.
I'm on the same page as you, Doctor.
yeah i agree doc
You’ll find it so. She comes, pray, humour her.
You'll see. She's coming, so humor her.
Trust me on this. Here she comes, so just go along with what she says.
youll see. she's coming just humor her
Come, your love Palamon stays for you, child,
And has done this long hour, to visit you.
Come on, your love Palamon is waiting for you, dear, And has been for this whole hour, to see you.
Come on, your lover Palamon is waiting for you, sweetheart, and he's been here all this time wanting to see you.
come on palamon's waiting been here an hour to see you
I thank him for his gentle patience;
He’s a kind gentleman, and I am much bound to him.
Did you ne’er see the horse he gave me?
I'm grateful to him for his patience. He's a kind gentleman, and I owe him a lot. Did you never see the horse he gave me?
I'm thankful for how patient he is. He's such a kind gentleman, and I really owe him so much. You ever see that horse he gave me?
grateful for his patience he's kind i owe him lots did u see the horse he gave me
Yes.
Yes.
In other words: yes.
yes
The Daughter's long, elaborate description of Palamon's magical horse — who dances the morris for twenty miles, keeps his own accounts, and is being pursued by the Duke's lovesick chestnut mare — is one of the scene's strangest pleasures. It's tempting to read it as pure madness-noise, but it's worth looking at the structure: she describes a horse who is irresistible (like Palamon), who disdains the love of a lesser animal (like Palamon toward her), who is given as a gift by someone who doesn't truly see her. The Daughter is projecting her entire emotional situation onto a horse, which is both absurd and perfectly logical. The horse is lovable and cold. The mare who loves him cannot be helped. The groom can be fooled, but not the horse. This is not nonsense; it is grief wearing the costume of nonsense.
How do you like him?
What do you think of him?
So how do you rate him?
what do u think
He’s a very fair one.
He's a very beautiful one.
He's a really beautiful horse.
he's beautiful
You never saw him dance?
You've never seen him dance?
Haven't you watched him dance before?
u never saw him dance
No.
No.
In other words: no.
no
I have often.
He dances very finely, very comely,
And for a jig, come cut and long tail to him,
He turns ye like a top.
I have many times. He dances very well, very beautifully, And when it comes to a jig, no matter how wild the music, He spins around like a top.
Yeah, tons of times. He's an amazing dancer, really graceful, and when he gets to a jig, he just spins like a toy top no matter what.
yeah loads he dances great and pretty he spins like a top
That’s fine, indeed.
That’s fine, indeed.
In other words: that’s fine, indeed.
that’s fine indeed
He’ll dance the morris twenty mile an hour,
And that will founder the best hobby-horse
If I have any skill in all the parish,
And gallops to the tune of “Light o’ love.”
What think you of this horse?
He'll dance the morris at twenty miles an hour, And that would wear out even the best rocking horse If my judgment about the parish matters at all, And he gallops to the song called "Light o' love." What do you make of this horse?
He can do the morris dance at like twenty miles an hour, and that would exhaust even the best rocking horse in the whole parish, if I know anything. And he gallops to the tune of "Light o' love." What do you think of him?
he'll dance morris at 20 miles an hour would tire out any horse gallops to "light o love" whats ur take
Having these virtues,
I think he might be brought to play at tennis.
With talents like those, I think he could be trained to play tennis.
With all those skills, I bet you could teach him to play tennis.
with those skills he could probably play tennis
Alas, that’s nothing.
Alas, that’s nothing.
In other words: alas, that’s nothing.
alas that’s nothing
Can he write and read too?
Can he read and write as well?
Is he literate too—can he read and write?
can he read n write
A very fair hand, and casts himself th’ accounts
Of all his hay and provender. That hostler
Must rise betime that cozens him. You know
The chestnut mare the Duke has?
A very fine hand, and he keeps his own accounts Of all his hay and feed. That stable boy Would have to get up early to trick him. You know That chestnut mare the Duke owns?
Beautiful handwriting, and he keeps track of all his own hay and grain supplies. No stable boy could pull a fast one on him. You know that chestnut mare the Duke has?
writes beautifully keeps his own accounts no boy can trick him u know the dukes chestnut mare
Very well.
Very well.
In other words: very well.
very well
She is horribly in love with him, poor beast;
But he is like his master, coy and scornful.
She's madly in love with him, poor thing, But he's like his master, stuck-up and dismissive.
She's totally head over hooves for him, poor dear, but he's just like Palamon—arrogant and won't give her the time of day.
she loves him mad poor thing but he's snobby like his master
What dowry has she?
What's her dowry?
So how much is she bringing to this?
what does she get
Some two hundred bottles,
And twenty strike of oates; but he’ll ne’er have her.
He lisps in’s neighing, able to entice
A miller’s mare. He’ll be the death of her.
About two hundred bushels of grain, And twenty measures of oats; but he'll never have her. He has this lisping whinny that's so charming It could seduce any mare. He'll be the end of her.
About two hundred bushels of grain and twenty measures of oats, but he'll never go for her. He's got this cute little lisping whinny that could charm any mare. He's going to be her doom.
two hundred bushels grain twenty measures oats but he wont want her his whinny will kill her
What stuff she utters!
What nonsense she's saying!
Listen to the garbage she's spouting!
what garbage
Make curtsy; here your love comes.
Show respect; here comes your beloved.
Curtsy up; here comes your boyfriend.
your love is here
Pretty soul,
How do ye? That’s a fine maid; there’s a curtsy!
Pretty dear, How are you? That's a lovely curtsy you just did!
Hey there, beautiful, how are you? Nice curtsy!
hey gorgeous how u doing nice curtsy
Yours to command i’ th’ way of honesty.
How far is’t now to’ th’ end o’ th’ world, my masters?
At your service in the matter of propriety. How far is it now to the end of the world, gentlemen?
I'm yours to command in all proper ways. How far is it to the end of the world now, gentlemen?
at your command for honesty how far to the end of the world
Why, a day’s journey, wench.
About a day's journey, girl.
About a day's journey, sweetheart.
day's journey girl
Will you go with me?
Are you willing to accompany me?
Will you come with me?
u coming with me
What shall we do there, wench?
What should we do there, young woman?
What would we do there?
what we doing
Why, play at stool-ball;
What is there else to do?
To play stool-ball; What else would we do?
Play stool-ball, obviously. What else is there?
play stool-ball what else
I am content,
If we shall keep our wedding there.
I'm happy with that, If we can get married there.
Sure, I'm fine with that, as long as we can get married there.
sure if we get married there
’Tis true,
For there, I will assure you, we shall find
Some blind priest for the purpose, that will venture
To marry us, for here they are nice and foolish.
Besides, my father must be hanged tomorrow,
And that would be a blot i’ th’ business.
Are not you Palamon?
It's true, Because there I promise you we'll find Some blind priest who'll do it for us, willing to Marry us, because here the priests are picky and foolish. Besides, my father will be hanged tomorrow, And that would spoil the whole thing. Aren't you Palamon?
Yeah, because there I swear we can find some blind priest who'll marry us—he won't care, but the priests here are snobs and idiots. Plus my dad gets hanged tomorrow, which would totally ruin everything. Aren't you Palamon?
yeah we'll find a blind priest there will marry us no questions priest here are snobs dad gets hanged tomorrow arent u palamon
Do not you know me?
Don't you recognize me?
You don't know who I am?
u dont know me
Yes, but you care not for me. I have nothing
But this poor petticoat, and two coarse smocks.
Yes, but you don't care about me. I have nothing Except this old skirt and two rough shifts.
I do, but you couldn't care less. All I've got is this ratty old dress and two rough shirts.
yeah but u dont care i got nothing just this dress n two shirts
That’s all one; I will have you.
That doesn't matter; I will have you.
None of that matters; I'm going to have you.
dont matter i want u
Will you surely?
Do you really mean that?
Seriously? You promise?
wait for real??
[_Taking her hand._] Yes, by this fair hand, will I.
Yes, I swear by your fair hand, I will.
Yes, I promise you, I will.
yes i swear i will
We’ll to bed, then.
Then let's go to bed.
So let's head to bed now.
lets go to bed then
E’en when you will.
Whenever you're ready.
Whenever you want.
whenever u want
The Wooer is one of the play's most underrated figures. He loved the Daughter before she went mad; he was devastated when she chose Palamon (whom she'd barely met) over him; and now he's been assigned to impersonate his rival in order to cure her. He agrees because he loves her and wants her to recover — but also because the Doctor's plan is, from his perspective, the only way he might ever have her. Every kiss he gives her is real on his side and fictional on hers. When she says 'you don't care about me' (mistaking him for Palamon), he responds with 'I will have you' — and means it more completely than she knows. When she says 'don't hurt me,' he says 'I won't, my sweet' — and the tenderness is entirely genuine. The play never lets him explain himself. His love is real; his name is a lie.
[_Rubs off the kiss._] O sir, you would fain be nibbling.
Oh sir, you'd gladly keep kissing me, wouldn't you?
Oh, you'd love to keep kissing me, wouldn't you?
u just wanna keep making out don't u
Why do you rub my kiss off?
Why are you rubbing my kiss away?
Why are you wiping off my kiss?
why u wiping off my kiss
’Tis a sweet one,
And will perfume me finely against the wedding.
Is not this your cousin Arcite?
It's such a sweet one, And it will make me smell nice for the wedding. Isn't this your cousin Arcite?
It's so sweet, and I want to keep the smell for the wedding. Isn't this your cousin Arcite?
it's sweet will smell nice for the wedding isnt this your cousin arcite
Yes, sweetheart,
And I am glad my cousin Palamon
Has made so fair a choice.
Yes, sweetheart, And I'm happy that my cousin Palamon Has chosen someone so wonderful.
Yes, dear, and I'm glad my cousin Palamon has made such a good choice.
yeah and i'm glad palamon picked someone so great
Do you think he’ll have me?
Do you think he'll want me?
You think he'll marry me?
think he'll take me
Yes, without doubt.
Yes, wiyout doubt.
In other words: yes, wiyout doubt.
yes wiyout doubt
Do you think so too?
What do you think as well?
What do you think?
u think so too
Yes.
Yes.
In other words: yes.
yes
We shall have many children. [_To Doctor._] Lord, how you’re grown!
My Palamon, I hope, will grow too, finely,
Now he’s at liberty. Alas, poor chicken,
He was kept down with hard meat and ill lodging,
But I’ll kiss him up again.
We'll have lots of children. Lord, how much you've grown! I hope my Palamon will grow nicely too, Now that he's free. Poor dear, He was held down by hard food and bad conditions, But I'll kiss him back to health.
We're going to have so many kids. My God, how you've changed! I hope Palamon grows up strong too, now that he's out. The poor guy was kept down by bad food and terrible living conditions, but I'll kiss him back to life.
well have kids lord how youve grown palamon will grow now he's free poor thing was kept down i'll kiss him better
What do you here? You’ll lose the noblest sight
That e’er was seen.
What are you doing here? You'll miss the most amazing sight That was ever shown.
What are you standing around for? You're going to miss the greatest show you've ever seen.
what u doing here youll miss the best sight ever
Are they i’ th’ field?
Are they out in the field?
Are they fighting in the field yet?
they out there
They are.
You bear a charge there too.
They are in the field. You have a responsibility there too.
Yeah, they're out there. You've got duties there too.
they're here u got duties
I’ll away straight.
I must e’en leave you here.
I'll go right now. I have to leave you here.
I'll head out right away. I've got to leave you behind.
going now have to leave u here
Nay, we’ll go with you;
I will not lose the sight.
No, we'll go with you; I don't want to miss the sight.
No, we're coming with you; I don't want to miss this.
no we're coming dont wanna miss it
How did you like her?
How do you think she did?
So what did you think of how she's doing?
what u think of her
I’ll warrant you, within these three or four days
I’ll make her right again. You must not from her,
But still preserve her in this way.
I promise you, within three or four days I'll set her right. You mustn't leave her, But continue managing her this same way.
I'm telling you, in three or four days she'll be completely better. You can't leave her alone, but keep doing what you're doing with her.
promise within 3-4 days she'll be right keep doing what you're doing
I will.
I will.
I promise I will.
i will
Let’s get her in.
Let's get her inside.
Let's bring her back in.
lets get her in
Come, sweet, we’ll go to dinner;
And then we’ll play at cards.
Come on, dear, we'll go eat, And then we'll play cards.
Come on, let's go get dinner, and then we can play cards.
lets go dinner then play cards
And shall we kiss too?
And will we kiss as well?
And will we kiss too?
and we'll kiss too
A hundred times.
A hundred times.
In other words: a hundred times.
hundred times
And twenty.
And twenty.
In other words: and twenty.
and twenty
Ay, and twenty.
Ay, and twenty.
In other words: ay, and twenty.
ay and twenty
And then we’ll sleep together.
Then we'll go to sleep as a couple.
And then we'll go to sleep together.
then we rest together
Take her offer.
Take her offer.
In other words: take her offer.
take her offer
Yes, marry, will we.
Yes, we certainly will.
Yeah, we absolutely will.
yeah we will
But you shall not hurt me.
But you won't hurt me.
Just make sure you're gentle with me.
but u wont hurt me
I will not, sweet.
I won't, sweetheart.
I won't, sweet.
i wont babe
If you do, love, I’ll cry.
If you hurt me, I will cry.
If you do, I'll start crying.
if u do ill cry
The Reckoning
This scene is deliberately placed between the sublime religious ritual of 5-1 and the tragedy of 5-3 — it's the play's tragicomic interlude, and it works on two registers at once. The Daughter's mad dialogue about the magical dancing horse is genuinely funny and genuinely sad. The Doctor's cheerful willingness to recommend deception, and even sex under false identity, to cure her is played for discomfort as much as comedy. And beneath all of it is the Wooer — who genuinely loves her, genuinely wishes she saw him as himself, and is doing his awkward best inside a situation he didn't choose.
If this happened today…
A therapist checks in with a young man who's been assigned to pose as his girlfriend's (actually, ex-girlfriend's crush's) online persona to help her recover from a delusional episode. It's working. She's eating again, making eye contact, planning a wedding. The therapist advises him to keep up the deception, sleep with her if she asks, and generally prioritize treatment over honesty. Her father objects. The therapist dismisses him. Everyone leaves to go watch a fight. The girl is left chattering about a horse that can do long division.