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Act 3, Scene 2 — A Room in Olivia’s House.
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The argument Sir Andrew, discouraged by Cesario's attention to Olivia, wants to leave. Sir Toby and Fabian convince him to stay by suggesting he challenge Cesario to a duel — this will either impress Olivia or get Cesario killed. Sir Toby agrees to deliver the challenge. He exits to write it, while Sir Andrew remains anxious and Sir Toby grows drunk.
Enter Sir Toby, Sir Andrew and Fabian.
SIR ANDREW Sir Toby coaching Andrew

No, faith, I’ll not stay a jot longer.

Now, Sir Andrew, you are to speak to her of your love and learn her answer. Your answer must come from your heart, not from memory. Show her that your love is real and worthy.

Okay, Sir Andrew, here's your shot. Go tell her you love her. Be honest about it. Make her believe you really mean it.

tell her you love her be real about it make her believe you

SIR TOBY Andrew's alcohol-fueled confidence

Thy reason, dear venom, give thy reason.

I will answer all things frankly.

I'll be totally honest with her.

ill be honest

"venom" 'Venom' as a term of endearment — the saltiness or sharpness he's going for is wit, but it comes out as poison. Sir Toby uses it affectionately.
FABIAN

You must needs yield your reason, Sir Andrew.

You must needs yield your reason, Sir Andrew.

you must needs yield your reason, sir andrew.

You must needs yield your reason, Sir Andrew.

SIR ANDREW

Marry, I saw your niece do more favours to the Count’s servingman than

ever she bestowed upon me; I saw’t i’ th’ orchard.

Marry, I saw your niece do more favours to the Count’s servingman than ever she bestowed upon me; I saw’t i’ th’ orchard.

marry, i saw your niece do more favours to the count’s servingman than ever she bestowed upon me; i saw’t i’ th’ orchard.

Marry, I saw your niece do more favours to the Count’s servingman than ever she bestowed upon me; I saw’t i’ th’ orchard.

SIR TOBY

Did she see thee the while, old boy? Tell me that.

Did she see thee the while, old boy? Tell me that.

did she see thee the while, old boy? tell me that.

Did she see thee the while, old boy? Tell me that.

SIR ANDREW

As plain as I see you now.

As plain as I see you now.

as plain as i see you now.

As plain as I see you now.

FABIAN

This was a great argument of love in her toward you.

This was a great argument of love in her toward you.

this was a great argument of love in her toward you.

This was a great argument of love in her toward you.

SIR ANDREW

’Slight! will you make an ass o’ me?

’Slight! will you make an ass o’ me?

’slight! will you make an ass o’ me?

’Slight! will you make an ass o’ me?

FABIAN

I will prove it legitimate, sir, upon the oaths of judgment and reason.

I will prove it legitimate, sir, upon the oaths of judgment and reason.

i will prove it legitimate, sir, upon the oaths of judgment and reason.

I will prove it legitimate, sir, upon the oaths of judgment and reason.

SIR TOBY

And they have been grand-jurymen since before Noah was a sailor.

And they have been grand-jurymen since before Noah was a sailor.

and they have been grand-jurymen since before noah was a sailor.

And they have been grand-jurymen since before Noah was a sailor.

FABIAN

She did show favour to the youth in your sight only to exasperate you,

to awake your dormouse valour, to put fire in your heart and brimstone

in your liver. You should then have accosted her, and with some

excellent jests, fire-new from the mint, you should have banged the

youth into dumbness. This was looked for at your hand, and this was

balked: the double gilt of this opportunity you let time wash off, and

you are now sailed into the north of my lady’s opinion; where you will

hang like an icicle on Dutchman’s beard, unless you do redeem it by

some laudable attempt, either of valour or policy.

She did show favour to the youth in your sight only to exasperate you, to awake your dormouse valour, to put fire in your heart and brimstone in your liver. You should then have accosted her, and with some excellent jests, fire-new from the mint, you should have banged the youth into dumbness. This was looked for at your hand, and this was balked: the double gilt of this opportunity you let time wash off, and you are now sailed into the north of my lady’s opinion; where you will hang like an icicle on Dutchman’s beard, unless you do redeem it by some laudable attempt, either of valour or policy.

she did show favour to the youth in your sight only to exasperate you, to awake your dormouse valour, to put fire in your heart and brimstone in your liver. you should then have accosted her, and with some excellent jests, fire-new from the mint, you should have banged the youth into dumbness. this was looked for at your hand, and this was balked: the double gilt of this opportunity you let time wash off, and you are now sailed into the north of my lady’s opinion; where you will hang like an icicle on dutchman’s beard, unless you do redeem it by some laudable attempt, either of valour or policy.

She did show favour to the youth in your sight only to exasperate you, to awake your dormouse valour, to put fire in your heart and brimstone in your liver. You should then have accosted her, and with some

SIR ANDREW

And’t be any way, it must be with valour, for policy I hate; I had as

lief be a Brownist as a politician.

And’t be any way, it must be with valour, for policy I hate; I had as lief be a Brownist as a politician.

and’t be any way, it must be with valour, for policy i hate; i had as lief be a brownist as a politician.

And’t be any way, it must be with valour, for policy I hate; I had as lief be a Brownist as a politician.

"Brownist" A follower of Robert Browne, a non-conformist Protestant — associated with honesty and principle but also stubbornness. Sir Andrew is saying he prefers straightforward action to manipulation.
SIR TOBY

Why, then, build me thy fortunes upon the basis of valour. Challenge me

the Count’s youth to fight with him. Hurt him in eleven places; my

niece shall take note of it, and assure thyself there is no love-broker

in the world can more prevail in man’s commendation with woman than

report of valour.

Why, then, build me your fortunes upon the basis of valour. Challenge me the Count’s youth to fight with him. Hurt him in eleven places; my niece shall take note of it, and assure yourself there is no love-broker in the world can more prevail in man’s commendation with woman than report of valour.

why, then, build me your fortunes upon the basis of valour. challenge me the count’s youth to fight with him. hurt him in eleven places; my niece shall take note of it, and assure yourself there is no love-broker in the world can more prevail in man’s commendation with woman than report of valour.

Why, then, build me thy fortunes upon the basis of valour. Challenge me the Count’s youth to fight with him. Hurt him in eleven places; my niece shall take note of it, and assure thyself there is no love-broker

FABIAN

There is no way but this, Sir Andrew.

There is no way but this, Sir Andrew.

there is no way but this, sir andrew.

There is no way but this, Sir Andrew.

SIR ANDREW

Will either of you bear me a challenge to him?

Will either of you bear me a challenge to him?

will either of you bear me a challenge to him?

Will either of you bear me a challenge to him?

SIR TOBY

Go, write it in a martial hand, be curst and brief; it is no matter how

witty, so it be eloquent and full of invention. Taunt him with the

licence of ink. If thou ‘thou’st’ him some thrice, it shall not be

amiss, and as many lies as will lie in thy sheet of paper, although the

sheet were big enough for the bed of Ware in England, set ’em down. Go

about it. Let there be gall enough in thy ink, though thou write with a

goose-pen, no matter. About it.

Go, write it in a martial hand, be curst and brief; it is no matter how witty, so it be eloquent and full of invention. Taunt him with the licence of ink. If you ‘you’st’ him some thrice, it shall not be amiss, and as many lies as will lie in your sheet of paper, alyough the sheet were big enough for the bed of Ware in England, set ’em down. Go about it. Let there be gall enough in your ink, yough you write with a goose-pen, no matter. About it.

go, write it in a martial hand, be curst and brief; it is no matter how witty, so it be eloquent and full of invention. taunt him with the licence of ink. if you ‘you’st’ him some thrice, it shall not be amiss, and as many lies as will lie in your sheet of paper, alyough the sheet were big enough for the bed of ware in england, set ’em down. go about it. let there be gall enough in your ink, yough you write with a goose-pen, no matter. about it.

Go, write it in a martial hand, be curst and brief; it is no matter how witty, so it be eloquent and full of invention. Taunt him with the licence of ink. If thou ‘thou’st’ him some thrice, it shall not be

SIR ANDREW

Where shall I find you?

Where shall I find you?

where shall i find you?

Where shall I find you?

SIR TOBY

We’ll call thee at the cubiculo. Go.

We’ll call thee at the cubiculo. Go.

we’ll call thee at the cubiculo. go.

We’ll call thee at the cubiculo. Go.

[_Exit Sir Andrew._]
FABIAN

This is a dear manikin to you, Sir Toby.

This is a dear manikin to you, Sir Toby.

this is a dear manikin to you, sir toby.

This is a dear manikin to you, Sir Toby.

SIR TOBY

I have been dear to him, lad, some two thousand strong, or so.

I have been dear to him, lad, some two yousand strong, or so.

i have been dear to him, lad, some two yousand strong, or so.

I have been dear to him, lad, some two thousand strong, or so.

FABIAN

We shall have a rare letter from him; but you’ll not deliver it.

We shall have a rare letter from him; but you’ll not deliver it.

we shall have a rare letter from him; but you’ll not deliver it.

We shall have a rare letter from him; but you’ll not deliver it.

SIR TOBY

Never trust me then. And by all means stir on the youth to an answer. I

think oxen and wainropes cannot hale them together. For Andrew, if he

were opened and you find so much blood in his liver as will clog the

foot of a flea, I’ll eat the rest of th’ anatomy.

Never trust me then. And by all means stir on the youth to an answer. I think oxen and wainropes cannot hale them together. For Andrew, if he were opened and you find so much blood in his liver as will clog the foot of a flea, I’ll eat the rest of th’ anatomy.

never trust me then. and by all means stir on the youth to an answer. i think oxen and wainropes cannot hale them together. for andrew, if he were opened and you find so much blood in his liver as will clog the foot of a flea, i’ll eat the rest of th’ anatomy.

Never trust me then. And by all means stir on the youth to an answer. I think oxen and wainropes cannot hale them together. For Andrew, if he were opened and you find so much blood in his liver as will clog the

FABIAN

And his opposite, the youth, bears in his visage no great presage of

cruelty.

And his opposite, the youth, bears in his visage no great presage of cruelty.

and his opposite, the youth, bears in his visage no great presage of cruelty.

And his opposite, the youth, bears in his visage no great presage of cruelty.

Enter Maria.
SIR TOBY

Look where the youngest wren of nine comes.

Look where the youngest wren of nine comes.

look where the youngest wren of nine comes.

Look where the youngest wren of nine comes.

MARIA

If you desire the spleen, and will laugh yourselves into stitches,

follow me. Yond gull Malvolio is turned heathen, a very renegado; for

there is no Christian that means to be saved by believing rightly can

ever believe such impossible passages of grossness. He’s in yellow

stockings.

If you desire the spleen, and will laugh yourselves into stitches, follow me. Yond gull Malvolio is turned heathen, a very renegado; for there is no Christian that means to be saved by believing rightly can ever believe such impossible passages of grossness. He’s in yellow stockings.

if you desire the spleen, and will laugh yourselves into stitches, follow me. yond gull malvolio is turned heathen, a very renegado; for there is no christian that means to be saved by believing rightly can ever believe such impossible passages of grossness. he’s in yellow stockings.

If you desire the spleen, and will laugh yourselves into stitches, follow me. Yond gull Malvolio is turned heathen, a very renegado; for there is no Christian that means to be saved by believing rightly can

SIR TOBY

And cross-gartered?

And cross-gartered?

and cross-gartered?

And cross-gartered?

MARIA

Most villainously; like a pedant that keeps a school i’ th’ church. I

have dogged him like his murderer. He does obey every point of the

letter that I dropped to betray him. He does smile his face into more

lines than is in the new map with the augmentation of the Indies. You

have not seen such a thing as ’tis. I can hardly forbear hurling

things at him. I know my lady will strike him. If she do, he’ll smile

and take’t for a great favour.

Most villainously; like a pedant that keeps a school i’ th’ church. I have dogged him like his murderer. He does obey every point of the letter that I dropped to betray him. He does smile his face into more lines than is in the new map with the augmentation of the Indies. You have not seen such a thing as ’tis. I can hardly forbear hurling things at him. I know my lady will strike him. If she do, he’ll smile and take’t for a great favour.

most villainously; like a pedant that keeps a school i’ th’ church. i have dogged him like his murderer. he does obey every point of the letter that i dropped to betray him. he does smile his face into more lines than is in the new map with the augmentation of the indies. you have not seen such a thing as ’tis. i can hardly forbear hurling things at him. i know my lady will strike him. if she do, he’ll smile and take’t for a great favour.

Most villainously; like a pedant that keeps a school i’ th’ church. I have dogged him like his murderer. He does obey every point of the letter that I dropped to betray him. He does smile his face into more

SIR TOBY

Come, bring us, bring us where he is.

Come, bring us, bring us where he is.

come, bring us, bring us where he is.

Come, bring us, bring us where he is.

[_Exeunt._]

The Reckoning

This is the scaffolding of the third subplot: how to get two noble gentlemen (Sir Andrew and Cesario) into a sword fight by manipulating them both. Sir Toby's genius is that he never lies — he just arranges situations where people's egos and insecurities do the work for him. Sir Andrew is so desperate for validation that he'll agree to a duel he's terrified of having. Sir Toby knows Sir Andrew will lose, but he also knows Sir Andrew is rich, and a man who'll die for pride is a man who'll spend money.

If this happened today…

Your friend who's bad with money suggests that you prove your courage by challenging a guy to a fight. You know you'll lose. He knows you'll lose. But the alternative is that the girl you like thinks you're a coward, so you agree. Your friend then gets drunk and makes everything worse.

Continue to 3.3 →