I’ll heat his blood with Greekish wine tonight,
Which with my scimitar I’ll cool tomorrow.
Patroclus, let us feast him to the height.
I'll get his blood heated with Greek wine tonight, which tomorrow I'll cool with my sword. Patroclus, let us feast him generously.
I'll get him drunk on Greek wine tonight, and tomorrow I'll cut him down with my sword. Patroclus, let's give him the most lavish feast.
get him drunk tonight. cool him down with my sword tomorrow. feast him huge
Here comes Thersites.
Here comes Thersites.
here comes thersites.
here comes thersites.
How now, thou core of envy!
Thou crusty batch of nature, what’s the news?
Hello, you embodiment of envy! You disgusting creature, what's the news?
Hey you, full of envy! You miserable wretch, what's going on?
envy boy! gross creature what's the news
Why, thou picture of what thou seemest, and idol of idiot worshippers,
here’s a letter for thee.
Why, you who are exactly what you appear to be, idol of foolish worshippers, here is a letter for you.
Well, you're just a picture of whatever you seem to be, an idol for idiots to worship. Here's a letter for you.
ur just what u look like fool. here's ur letter
From whence, fragment?
From where, you worthless scrap?
Where's it from, you little piece of garbage?
where's it from scraps
Why, thou full dish of fool, from Troy.
Why, you complete fool, from Troy.
Why, you're full of foolishness, and it's from Troy.
from troy genius
Who keeps the tent now?
Who guards the tent now?
Who's running the tent now?
who's minding the tent
The surgeon’s box or the patient’s wound.
The surgeon's medical chest or the patient's injury.
Either the surgeon's medicine chest or someone's open wound.
surgeon's stuff or someone's broken
Well said, adversity! And what needs these tricks?
Well spoken, you embodiment of hardship! And why these riddles?
Good one, you cynical guy! But what's with the riddles?
nice one. why the riddles tho
Prithee, be silent, boy; I profit not by thy talk; thou art said to be
Achilles’ male varlet.
Please be quiet, boy; I gain nothing from your words; you are said to be Achilles' male servant.
Shut up, kid. I'm not getting anything from your chatter. Everyone says you're Achilles' servant boy.
quiet kid. ur achilles' servant boy
Male varlet, you rogue! What’s that?
Male servant, you scoundrel! What does that mean?
Servant boy, you jerk! What are you getting at?
what does that even mean u rogue
Why, his masculine whore. Now, the rotten diseases of the south, the
guts-griping ruptures, catarrhs, loads o’ gravel in the back,
lethargies, cold palsies, raw eyes, dirt-rotten livers, wheezing lungs,
bladders full of imposthume, sciaticas, lime-kilns i’ th’ palm,
incurable bone-ache, and the rivelled fee-simple of the tetter, take
and take again such preposterous discoveries!
His male lover. Now may all the rotten diseases from the south—painful ruptures, catarrh, kidney stones, lethargy, paralysis, sore eyes, diseased livers, wheezing lungs, abscesses in the bladder, sciatic pain, burning in the hands, incurable arthritis, and the withered remains of skin disease—strike and strike again such impossible beings!
His male lover. Now I curse him with every vile disease—painful infections, ruptures, catarrh, kidney stones, lethargy, paralysis, sore eyes, rotten livers, wheezing, bladder infections, sciatica, burning hands, arthritis, skin diseases—may he suffer every miserable affliction twice over!
his lover. curse him w diseases ruptures catarrh stones lethargy paralysis sores rotten liver wheezing. everything twice
Why, thou damnable box of envy, thou, what meanest thou to curse thus?
Why, you cursed container of envy, why do you curse like this?
You hateful, envious creature! Why are you cursing me out like this?
why u cursing me out like this
Do I curse thee?
Do I curse you?
Am I cursing you?
am i cursing u
Why, no, you ruinous butt; you whoreson indistinguishable cur, no.
Why no, you destructive fool; you worthless indistinguishable dog, no.
No, you pathetic wretch, you useless mongrel, definitely not.
no u don't u piece of trash
No! Why art thou, then, exasperate, thou idle immaterial skein of
sleave silk, thou green sarcenet flap for a sore eye, thou tassel of a
prodigal’s purse, thou? Ah, how the poor world is pestered with such
water-flies, diminutives of nature!
No! Why are you then upset, you lazy worthless piece of tangled silk, you green silk cloth for an eye infection, you ornament of a spendthrift's purse? Ah, how the poor world is pestered with such insignificant creatures, tiny mistakes of nature!
No! Then why are you so upset, you lazy worthless scrap, you useless decoration? The world is cursed with so many insignificant little pests like you!
why u upset then lazy scrap. world's full of useless tiny pests
Out, gall!
Get lost, you bitter, venomous creature!
Beat it, you poisonous little grump!
get lost u bitter troll
Finch egg!
You worthless little wretch!
You pathetic little twerp!
pathetic little thing
My sweet Patroclus, I am thwarted quite
From my great purpose in tomorrow’s battle.
Here is a letter from Queen Hecuba,
A token from her daughter, my fair love,
Both taxing me and gaging me to keep
An oath that I have sworn. I will not break it.
Fall Greeks; fail fame; honour or go or stay;
My major vow lies here, this I’ll obey.
Come, come, Thersites, help to trim my tent;
This night in banqueting must all be spent.
Away, Patroclus!
My dear Patroclus, I am completely prevented from my great purpose in tomorrow's battle. Here is a letter from Queen Hecuba, a gift from her daughter, my beloved, both demanding of me and binding me to keep the oath I have sworn. I will not break it. Let the Greeks fall; let fame fail; honor may go or stay; my major vow is here, this I will obey. Come, Thersites, help me prepare my tent; this night must all be spent in feasting. Away, Patroclus!
Patroclus, I've been stopped from fighting tomorrow. I got a letter from Hecuba with a gift from my beloved, both reminding me of the oath I swore. I can't break it. Let the Greeks lose, let fame go—I don't care. My only oath that matters is here. Come on, we're feasting tonight, not fighting. Get the tent ready.
can't fight tomorrow. oath to my love matters more. greeks can lose. feast tonight not battle
With too much blood and too little brain these two may run mad; but, if
with too much brain and too little blood they do, I’ll be a curer of
madmen. Here’s Agamemnon, an honest fellow enough, and one that loves
quails, but he has not so much brain as ear-wax; and the goodly
transformation of Jupiter there, his brother, the bull, the primitive
statue and oblique memorial of cuckolds, a thrifty shoeing-horn in a
chain at his brother’s leg, to what form but that he is, should wit
larded with malice, and malice forced with wit, turn him to? To an ass,
were nothing: he is both ass and ox. To an ox, were nothing: he is both
ox and ass. To be a dog, a mule, a cat, a fitchook, a toad, a lizard,
an owl, a puttock, or a herring without a roe, I would not care; but to
be Menelaus, I would conspire against destiny. Ask me not what I would
be, if I were not Thersites; for I care not to be the louse of a lazar,
so I were not Menelaus. Hey-day! sprites and fires!
With too much passion and too little sense these two may go mad; but if they do go mad with too much sense and too little passion, I'll be a doctor of madness. Here's Agamemnon, an honest fellow enough, and one who loves quails, but he has no more brain than earwax. And Menelaus, that fine transformation of Jupiter into a bull, the ancient statue and awkward reminder of cuckolds—whatever form he should take—if wit mixed with malice and malice mixed with wit could change him—to an ass? That's nothing: he's both ass and ox. To an ox? That's nothing: he's both ox and ass. To be a dog, a mule, a cat, a polecat, a toad, a lizard, an owl, a buzzard, or a herring without roe, I wouldn't care; but to be Menelaus—I'd fight destiny itself. Don't ask what I would be if I weren't Thersites, because I don't care to be the louse of a leper, if only I weren't Menelaus. Good heavens! Powers and fires!
These two are either going to go crazy from passion or from overthinking. Agamemnon is honest enough, likes his quail, but has no more brain than earwax. And Menelaus—that beautiful fool descended from Jupiter but turned into a bull—he's the walking symbol of cuckolds. He's so useless, he's both an ass and an ox at the same time. I wouldn't care if I turned into any animal—dog, mule, cat, toad, lizard, owl, fish—as long as I wasn't Menelaus. I'd rather be a leper's louse than be him. Anything but Menelaus!
these two gonna go mad. agamemnon has no brain. menelaus is both ass and ox. id be anything but menelaus. literally a leper's louse first
Diomedes with lights.
Diomedes approaches with torches.
Here comes Diomedes with his lights.
diomedes coming with torches
We go wrong, we go wrong.
We are going the wrong way, we are going the wrong way.
We're going the wrong direction.
wrong way wrong way
No, yonder ’tis;
There, where we see the lights.
No, it's over there; there, where we see the lights.
No, it's that way, where the lights are.
nope that way. where the lights are
I trouble you.
I trouble you.
i trouble you.
i trouble you.
No, not a whit.
No, not at all.
Not in the slightest.
nope not at all
Here comes himself to guide you.
Here comes Achilles to guide you.
Here he comes to show you the way.
here he comes to show u
Welcome, brave Hector; welcome, Princes all.
You're all welcome here—Hector, you brave warrior, and all of you princes.
Welcome, brave Hector. Welcome, everyone.
welcome hector. welcome everyone
So now, fair Prince of Troy, I bid good night;
Ajax commands the guard to tend on you.
So now, noble Prince of Troy, I say good night; Ajax commands the guard to serve you.
Well, fair Prince of Troy, good night. Ajax is ordering the guards to look after you.
goodnight fair prince. ajax has guards for u
Thanks, and good night to the Greeks’ general.
Thanks, and good night to the Greeks' commander.
Thanks, and good night to you, commander.
thanks goodnight commander
Good night, my lord.
Sleep well, my lord.
Good night, sir.
goodnight sir
Good night, sweet Lord Menelaus.
Good night, kind Lord Menelaus.
Good night, gentle Lord Menelaus.
goodnight lord menelaus
Sweet draught! ‘Sweet’ quoth a’!
Sweet sink, sweet sewer!
Sweet drink! He says 'sweet'! Sweet cesspit, sweet sewer!
Sweet drink? He calls it sweet? Sweet garbage, sweet sewage!
sweet drink? more like sweet sewer
Good night and welcome, both at once, to those
That go or tarry.
Good night and welcome, both at once, to all those who go or stay.
Good night and welcome to everyone, whether you're leaving or staying.
goodnight n welcome to all yall going or staying
Good night.
Good night.
good night.
good night.
Old Nestor tarries; and you too, Diomed,
Keep Hector company an hour or two.
Old Nestor stays behind; and you too, Diomed, keep Hector company for an hour or two.
Nestor is staying. Diomedes, you stay and keep Hector company for a while.
nestor stays. diomed keep hector company an hour or two
I cannot, lord; I have important business,
The tide whereof is now. Good night, great Hector.
I cannot, lord; I have urgent business, whose time is now. Good night, great Hector.
I can't, sir. I have something urgent to do right now. Good night, Hector.
can't. gotta go now. goodnight hector
Give me your hand.
Let me have your hand.
Shake my hand.
shake
[_Aside to Troilus._] Follow his torch; he goes to
Calchas’ tent; I’ll keep you company.
Follow his torch; he is heading to Calchas' tent; I will keep you company.
Follow his light—he's going to Calchas' tent, and I'll stay with you.
follow torch im with you
Sweet sir, you honour me.
Kind sir, you honor me.
You're too kind, sir.
ur too kind sir
And so, good night.
Well then, farewell.
So, good night.
goodnight
Come, come, enter my tent.
Come with me into my tent.
Come on, let's go into my tent.
come on lets go
That same Diomed’s a false-hearted rogue, a most unjust knave; I will
no more trust him when he leers than I will a serpent when he hisses.
He will spend his mouth and promise, like Brabbler the hound; but when
he performs, astronomers foretell it: it is prodigious, there will come
some change; the sun borrows of the moon when Diomed keeps his word. I
will rather leave to see Hector than not to dog him. They say he keeps
a Trojan drab, and uses the traitor Calchas’ tent. I’ll after. Nothing
but lechery! All incontinent varlets!
That same Diomedes is a dishonest rogue, a most unjust man; I will trust him no more when he smiles than I will trust a serpent when it hisses. He will talk and make promises, like a barking hound; but when he keeps his word, astronomers predict it: it is a miracle, there will come some change; the sun borrows from the moon when Diomedes keeps his word. I would rather stop seeing Hector than stop following Diomedes. They say he keeps a Trojan woman and uses the traitor Calchas' tent. I'll follow them. Nothing but lust! All immoral servants!
Diomedes is a two-faced liar, completely dishonest. I trust him less than I'd trust a snake. He makes promises all the time like a barking dog, but when he actually keeps his word, it's miraculous—the sun would have to borrow from the moon. I'd follow him over seeing Hector. He's got a Trojan girlfriend and uses Calchas' tent. It's all just lechery and immoral guys!
diomed's a liar. promise everything like a dog. never keeps his word. got a trojan girl. all lechery
The Reckoning
The final act opens with a feast — civility before slaughter. Achilles and Hector meet as human beings before they meet as warriors. Patroclus watches with cynical detachment, Thersites with bitter commentary. The scene holds a brief moment of mutual respect between enemies, a courtesy that will dissolve in blood.
If this happened today…
Two CEOs of rival companies have a business dinner. They toast to each other's success, discuss their mutual admiration for the market they're fighting in. Their lawyers sit nearby looking bored and cynical. The waiter makes sarcastic comments about the whole charade. Tomorrow they'll return to trying to destroy each other.