I pray you now, good Master Slender’s servingman, and friend Simple by
your name, which way have you looked for Master Caius, that calls
himself doctor of physic?
I ask you now, good Simple, Master Slender's servant by name, in which direction have you looked for Master Caius, who calls himself a doctor of medicine?
Listen, Simple, tell me—have you looked for Master Caius, the one who calls himself a doctor?
where did you look for caius?
Marry, sir, the Petty-ward, the Park-ward, every way; old Windsor way,
and every way but the town way.
Indeed, sir, in the outlying ward, the park ward, in every direction; the old Windsor way, and every way except toward the town center.
Well, sir, I looked in the suburbs, the park, everywhere really—the old Windsor road and just about any direction except toward town.
looked everywhere except town
I most fehemently desire you, you will also look that way.
I most earnestly ask you to also look in that direction.
I really want you to check that way as well.
also check that way
I will, Sir.
I will, Sir.
i will, sir.
i will, sir.
Pless my soul, how full of cholers I am, and trempling of mind! I shall
be glad if he have deceived me. How melancholies I am! I will knog his
urinals about his knave’s costard when I have good opportunities for
the ’ork. Pless my soul!
Bless my soul, how full of anger I am, and trembling of mind! I will be glad if he has deceived me. How melancholic I am! I will knock his chamber pots around his fool's head when I have good opportunities for the work. Bless my soul!
God help me, I'm so angry and shaking! I'd be happy if he'd just stayed away. I'm so miserable! I'm going to smash his medical equipment around that fool's head when I get the chance. God help me!
so angry i can't think shaking with rage gonna destroy his stuff smash it over that fool's head
_To shallow rivers, to whose falls
Melodious birds sings madrigals.
There will we make our peds of roses
And a thousand fragrant posies.
To shallow_—
Mercy on me, I have a great dispositions to cry.
To shallow rivers, to whose falls Melodious birds sing madrigals. There will we make our beds of roses And a thousand fragrant flowers. To shallow— Mercy on me, I am deeply inclined to cry.
To gentle rivers where they fall Songbirds sing their sweetest songs. There we'll make our beds of roses And a thousand fragrant flowers. To gentle— Oh no, I'm about to cry.
gentle rivers with falls birds singing madrigals make beds of roses thousand fragrant flowers im gonna cry mercy on me
_Melodious birds sing madrigals—
Whenas I sat in Pabylon—
And a thousand vagram posies.
To shallow rivers, to whose falls
Melodious birds sing madrigals._
Melodious birds sing madrigals— When I was in Babylon— And a thousand fragrant flowers. To shallow rivers, to whose falls Melodious birds sing madrigals.
Songbirds singing their sweetest songs— When I sat in Babylon— And a thousand fragrant flowers. To gentle rivers where they fall Songbirds sing their sweetest songs.
songbirds singing love songs when i was in babylon thousand fragrant flowers shallow rivers with falls birds singing again
Yonder he is, coming this way, Sir Hugh.
There he is, coming this way, Sir Hugh.
There he comes, heading this way, Sir Hugh.
there he is coming this way
He’s welcome.
He’s welcome.
he’s welcome.
he’s welcome.
[_Sings._] _To shallow rivers, to whose falls—_
Heaven prosper the right! What weapons is he?
[Singing] To shallow rivers where they fall— / May heaven prosper the right! What weapons does he have?
[Singing] To shallow rivers and their falls— / May heaven help justice prevail! What's he carrying for weapons?
singing about rivers may heaven prosper what weapons?
The songs Evans sings are a deliberate literary joke. 'Come Live With Me and Be My Love' was Christopher Marlowe's most famous pastoral poem — published 1599, the same year Merry Wives was written, and already one of the most recognized love poems in England. Evans is a Welsh parson; Marlowe's poem is a pagan celebration of erotic pleasure in nature. The collision is perfect. But Shakespeare adds another layer: Evans can't stay on the poem. His fear keeps breaking through with psalm fragments ('Whenas I sat in Babylon' — Psalm 137, the lamenting exile by the waters of Babylon), which is exactly wrong thematically but completely right emotionally. A frightened man who is about to be killed reaches for both his sacred and his secular comfort simultaneously and muddles them together. The comedy is also the portrait.
No weapons, sir. There comes my master, Master Shallow, and another
gentleman, from Frogmore, over the stile, this way.
No weapons, sir. But look—my master, Master Shallow, and another gentleman are coming from Frogmore, crossing over the fence toward us.
No weapons, sir. But here comes my master, Master Shallow, and another man from Frogmore, climbing over the fence.
master shallow's coming over the fence
Pray you, give me my gown—or else keep it in your arms.
Please, give me my robe—or else you hold on to it.
Please give me my robe, or just keep it if you want.
give me my robe
How now, Master Parson? Good morrow, good Sir Hugh. Keep a gamester
from the dice, and a good student from his book, and it is wonderful.
How are you now, Master Parson? Good morning, good Sir Hugh. Keep a gambler away from the dice, and a good student away from his book, and it is wonderful.
Well, hello there, Parson! Good morning, Sir Hugh. It's amazing what happens when you keep a gambler away from gambling and a scholar away from studying.
hey parson good morning keep a gambler from dice keep a student from books its wild
[_Aside_.] Ah, sweet Anne Page!
Oh, sweet Anne Page!
Ah, if I could but have sweet Anne!
sweet anne
God save you, good Sir Hugh!
God protect you, good Sir Hugh!
Hello, Sir Hugh!
hey sir hugh
God pless you from his mercy sake, all of you!
God bless you out of His mercy's sake, all of you!
May God bless you all out of His mercy, my friends!
god bless you all
What, the sword and the word? Do you study them both, Master Parson?
What, both the sword and scholarly words? Do you study both, Master Parson?
So you study both fighting and books, Master Parson?
you study fighting and books?
And youthful still—in your doublet and hose, this raw rheumatic day?
And still so youthful—in your regular clothes, on this raw, chilly day?
And you're still acting so young—dressed like this on such a cold, damp day?
you're still youthful in this weather
There is reasons and causes for it.
There are reasons and causes for it.
Well, I have my reasons, you know.
got my reasons
We are come to you to do a good office, Master Parson.
We have come to you to do you a service, Master Parson.
We've come here to do you a favor, Master Parson.
we're here to help you
Fery well; what is it?
Very well; what is it?
All right, what is it then?
what is it?
Yonder is a most reverend gentleman who, belike having received wrong
by some person, is at most odds with his own gravity and patience that
ever you saw.
There is a most dignified gentleman over there who, it seems, having been wronged by someone, is greatly disturbed and upset beyond any measure you've ever witnessed.
There's a very dignified gentleman over there who's been wronged somehow, and he's angrier and more upset than you've probably ever seen anyone.
some dignified guy is angry about being wronged
I have lived fourscore years and upward; I never heard a man of his
place, gravity, and learning, so wide of his own respect.
I have lived eighty years or more; I have never seen a man of his status, dignity, and education behave so far outside his normal character.
I've lived over eighty years, and I've never seen anyone of his rank and education act so out of character.
never seen someone so dignified act so crazy
What is he?
What is he?
what is he?
what is he?
The Host's confession speech (3-1-071) is the fullest expression of his character: he lists his reasons for saving both Evans and Caius ('he gives me the potions,' 'he gives me the proverbs') with the casual logic of a man who manages people as assets. He's not apologizing; he's explaining. And the explanation is that he kept them alive because they are useful to him. This is the logic of the professional host — everyone in his orbit is there because they serve a function, and his job is to keep the function running. The brilliant touch is that both Evans and Caius accept this instantly ('Ay, dat is very good; excellent') because the Host has such confidence in his own authority that his victims thank him for the manipulation.
I think you know him: Master Doctor Caius, the renowned French
physician.
I think you know him: Master Doctor Caius, the famous French doctor.
It's Doctor Caius—that renowned French physician you've probably heard of.
it's doctor caius
Got’s will and His passion of my heart! I had as lief you would tell me
of a mess of porridge.
God's will and His passion upon my heart! I would just as soon you told me about a bowl of porridge.
By God! I swear I'd rather hear about a bowl of soup than this news about Caius.
seriously? i'd rather hear about porridge
Why?
Why?
why?
why?
He has no more knowledge in Hibbocrates and Galen, and he is a knave
besides, a cowardly knave as you would desires to be acquainted withal.
He has no more knowledge of Hippocrates and Galen, and he is a knave besides, a cowardly knave such as you would wish to become acquainted with.
He doesn't know anything about medical science, and he's a scoundrel to boot—a cowardly one at that.
he's a cowardly scoundrel
I warrant you, he’s the man should fight with him.
I assure you, he's the man who should fight with him.
I'm telling you, he's exactly the man to fight Evans.
he should fight evans
[_Aside_.] O, sweet Anne Page!
Oh, sweet Anne Page!
Oh, beautiful Anne Page!
sweet anne
It appears so by his weapons. Keep them asunder. Here comes Doctor
Caius.
That seems true from looking at their weapons. Keep them apart. Here comes Doctor Caius.
Yeah, by the look of their weapons, they're both ready to fight. Keep them separated. Here comes Caius now.
keep them apart. here comes caius
Nay, good Master Parson, keep in your weapon.
No, good Master Parson, put your weapon away.
Come on, Parson, put that sword down.
no parson put it away
So do you, good Master Doctor.
You do the same, good Master Doctor.
You do likewise, Doctor.
u too doc
Disarm them, and let them question. Let them keep their limbs whole and
hack our English.
Disarm them, and let them talk it out. Let them keep all their body parts intact and only damage the English language.
Take their weapons away and let them argue it out. Just let them massacre the English language instead of each other.
take their weapons. let them just argue
I pray you, let-a me speak a word with your ear. Verefore will you not
meet-a me?
I ask you, let me speak a word with you. Why will you not meet with me?
Please, let me speak to you for a moment. Why won't you meet with me?
why won't you meet me?
[_Aside to Caius_.] Pray you, use your patience. In good time.
Please, be patient. In due time.
Listen, just be patient. It'll happen in time.
be patient wait
By gar, you are de coward, de Jack dog, John ape.
By God, you are the coward, the worthless fool, you incompetent fool.
By God, you're a coward, a worthless dog, an incompetent buffoon!
you're a coward
[_Aside to Caius_.] Pray you, let us not be laughing stocks to other
men’s humours. I desire you in friendship, and I will one way or other
make you amends.
Please, let's not become the laughingstock of everyone here. I'm asking you as a friend—I will make this up to you one way or another.
Come on, let's not be the butt of everyone's jokes. I'm asking this as a friend—I will make this right somehow.
don't be mocked make it up to you friendship
It takes Evans and Caius less than thirty seconds of stage time to go from mortal enemies preparing to fight a duel to best friends planning collective revenge. This speed isn't a failure of character psychology — it's a feature of Windsor's social world. In a small community, permanent enmity is too expensive; the better strategy is rapid alliance shifts. The same characters who compete for Anne Page's hand are drinking together in the next scene. The fluidity of Windsor's social bonds is what makes the Falstaff plot possible — nobody stays rigid. The exception, pointedly, is Ford, whose jealousy resists all the community's natural social flexibility.
[_Aloud_.] By Jeshu, I will knog your urinal about your knave’s
cogscomb.
By Jesus, I will knock your urinal about your knave's head!
By Jesus, I'm going to smash that urine flask of yours into your foolish head!
knock your urinal around your head fool
_Diable!_ Jack Rugby, mine Host de Jarteer, have I not stay for him to
kill him? Have I not, at de place I did appoint?
Devil! Jack Rugby, the Host of the Garter, have I not waited for him to kill him? Have I not waited at the place I appointed?
Dammit! Jack Rugby, the Host, didn't I wait for him to fight? Didn't I wait at the place we agreed on?
i waited at the place we agreed
As I am a Christians soul, now look you, this is the place appointed.
I’ll be judgment by mine host of the Garter.
As I am a Christian soul, now listen, this is the place that was appointed. I'll be the judge of what the Host of the Garter says.
As I'm a Christian, I'm telling you, this is the right place. I'll take the Host of the Garter's word for it.
this is the right place
Peace, I say, Gallia and Gaul, French and Welsh, soul-curer and
body-curer!
Peace, I say, you Frenchman and Welshman, healer of souls and healer of bodies!
Peace, I say! You Frenchman and Welshman, spiritual healer and doctor!
peace! you french and welsh healers
Ay, dat is very good; excellent.
Yes, that is very good; excellent.
Yes, that's perfect; excellent.
perfect
Peace, I say! Hear mine host of the Garter. Am I politic? Am I subtle?
Am I a Machiavel? Shall I lose my doctor? No, he gives me the potions
and the motions. Shall I lose my parson, my priest, my Sir Hugh? No, he
gives me the proverbs and the no-verbs. [_To Caius_.] Give me thy hand,
terrestrial; so. [_To Evans_.] Give me thy hand, celestial; so. Boys of
art, I have deceived you both. I have directed you to wrong places.
Your hearts are mighty, your skins are whole, and let burnt sack be the
issue. Come, lay their swords to pawn. Follow me, lads of peace,
follow, follow, follow.
Peace, I say! Hear me, Host of the Garter. Am I shrewd? Am I clever? Am I a cunning strategist? Should I lose my doctor? No, he gives me medicine and remedies. Should I lose my priest, my churchman, my Sir Hugh? No, he gives me wise sayings and instruction. Give me your hand, earthly physician; there. Give me your hand, heavenly priest; there. You clever men, I have tricked you both. I have sent you to the wrong places. Your courage is strong, your skin is whole and unharmed, and let hot wine be what comes from this. Come, lay down your swords as collateral. Follow me, men of peace, follow, follow, follow.
Peace, I say! Listen to me, the Host. Am I shrewd? Am I clever? Am I a cunning strategist? Should I lose my doctor? No way—he cures my ailments and gives me remedies. Should I lose my priest? No—he gives me advice and wisdom. Come here, you earthly doctor; thank you. And you, heavenly priest; thank you. You two clever gentlemen, I've outsmarted you both. I sent you to the wrong meeting places. Your hearts are brave, you're not hurt, so let's drink some hot wine to celebrate. Come on, hand over your swords. Follow me, you peaceful men, come on, follow, follow, follow.
i tricked you both. give me your swords. let's drink
Afore God, a mad host! Follow, gentlemen, follow.
Before God, a crazy host! Follow, gentlemen, follow.
My God, what a mad fellow that host is! Come on, gentlemen, follow him.
he's crazy. follow him
[_Aside_.] O, sweet Anne Page!
Oh, sweet Anne Page!
Oh, for sweet Anne!
sweet anne
CAIUS
Ha, do I perceive dat? Have you make-a de sot of us, ha, ha?
Ha, do I understand this correctly? Have you made fools of us, ha, ha?
Wait, do I get what you did? You made idiots out of us, didn't you?
you made fools of us?
This is well, he has made us his vlouting-stog. I desire you that we
may be friends, and let us knog our prains together to be revenge on
this same scall, scurvy, cogging companion, the host of the Garter.
This is a fine thing—he has made us his laughingstock. I ask you that we may be friends, and let us put our heads together to get revenge on this same scurvy, dishonest scoundrel, the host of the Garter.
This is perfect—he's made us both look ridiculous. I ask you as a friend: let's work together to get revenge on this filthy, dishonest scoundrel, the Host.
let's get revenge on the host together
By gar, with all my heart. He promise to bring me where is Anne Page;
by gar, he deceive me too.
By God, with all my heart. He promised to bring me where Anne Page is; by God, he deceived me too.
By God, absolutely. He promised to bring me to Anne Page, and he lied to me too.
he lied to me too
Well, I will smite his noddles. Pray you follow.
Well, I will beat his head in. Please follow.
Well, I'll crack his skull for this. Please follow me.
let's go get him
The Reckoning
The most literary comedy in the play: Evans is so frightened he can't remember which song he's singing, and the song that keeps breaking through is Marlowe's 'Come Live With Me and Be My Love' — the most famous erotic pastoral of the age. A clergyman quoting a pagan love poem while preparing for a duel he doesn't want, interrupting it with psalm fragments, then resuming the love poem — it's Shakespeare's most perfect image of a man whose mind is doing something his dignity would never permit.
If this happened today…
Imagine a vicar waiting for a street fight he was tricked into, and while he paces, he can't stop himself humming Taylor Swift — then catching himself and switching to a hymn — then drifting back to Taylor Swift. That's Evans. The Host's confession ('I have deceived you both') is delivered with such breezy satisfaction that it's impossible to be angry at him.