Now is Mortimer lord of this city. And here, sitting upon London Stone,
I charge and command that, of the city’s cost, the Pissing Conduit run
nothing but claret wine this first year of our reign. And now
henceforward it shall be treason for any that calls me other than Lord
Mortimer.
Now Mortimer is lord of this city. And here, sitting upon London Stone, I command and order that, at the city's expense, the Pissing Conduit run Nothing but red wine this first year of our reign. And from now on It will be treason for anyone to call me anything other than Lord Mortimer.
I'm Mortimer now, and I run this city. Sitting right here on London Stone, I'm ordering that the Pissing Conduit flows with nothing but red wine For the first year of my reign, and the city pays for it. And listen up— If anyone calls me anything other than Lord Mortimer from now on, That's treason and you die for it.
i'm lord mortimer now i rule this city the pissing conduit flows with wine calling me anything else is treason
London Stone was embedded in the wall of St. Swithin's Church on Cannon Street, where it had been since at least the 12th century. The traditional belief held that it was the milliarium — the central stone from which Roman Britain measured all distances, equivalent to the Golden Milestone in Rome. Later tradition associated it with Brutus of Troy, the legendary founder of Britain: it was supposedly the altar stone he brought from Troy when he founded Troia Nova (the original name for London). Geoffrey of Monmouth and later chroniclers claimed that 'so long as the Stone of Brutus is safe, so long shall London flourish.' For Cade to strike it is to perform the founding gesture of sovereignty itself — claiming the stone is claiming everything the stone represents. That he follows this with a decree about a small urinating conduit is the joke.
Jack Cade! Jack Cade!
There's Jack Cade! Jack Cade!
Look, there's Jack Cade! Jack Cade!
it's jack cade
Knock him down there.
Strike him to the ground.
Beat him down now.
knock him down
Cade's final command — burn London Bridge, burn the Tower — is the logical endpoint of his political program, which was always destruction rather than governance. From the beginning he has been better at demolishing things than building them: kill lawyers, burn records, abolish money. Now in power for approximately eight lines, his first governing acts are an execution (for a name) and arson orders. The wine-from-the-conduit decree is the one positive promise, and it's absurdist fantasy. Shakespeare is showing us what happens when resentment gets power: it reproduces the violence it claimed to oppose, immediately and without reflection. Cade didn't want to rule; he wanted to smash. Ruling requires the very systems he has declared his enemies.
If this fellow be wise, he’ll never call ye Jack Cade more. I think he
hath a very fair warning. My lord, there’s an army gathered together in
Smithfield.
If this fellow is smart, he'll never call you Jack Cade again. I think he's Got a very clear warning. My lord, there's an army assembled In Smithfield.
If that guy's smart, he'll never call you Jack Cade again. I'd say he got The message loud and clear. My lord, there's an army gathering Over in Smithfield.
that guy won't call u jack cade again he got the message there's an army in smithfield
Come then, let’s go fight with them. But first, go and set London
Bridge on fire; and, if you can, burn down the Tower too. Come, let’s
away.
Come on then, let's go fight with them. But first, go and set London Bridge on fire; and if you can, burn down the Tower as well. Come now, let's Move.
Alright, let's go fight them. But first, I want you to go burn down London Bridge—and if you can manage it, torch the Tower too. Now come on, let's Move.
let's go fight burn london bridge first burn the tower too let's go
The Reckoning
Cade has arrived. In nine lines he claims the city, performs a ritual act of sovereignty (striking London Stone), orders claret to replace water in the city conduit, kills a man for calling him 'Jack Cade,' and announces the burning of bridge and Tower. The comedy has not disappeared — 'the Pissing Conduit run nothing but claret wine' is genuinely funny — but the immediate execution of the soldier shows how quickly his new authority translates to death.
If this happened today…
A populist leader who just stormed the capital sits down at the government's main desk, livestreams himself signing executive orders in all caps, announces that the municipal water supply will run beer for the first week of his reign, and then has his security detail drag out the first person who calls him by his old nickname instead of his new title. He posts the clip.