Nay, ’twill be this hour ere I have done weeping; all the kind of the
Lances have this very fault. I have received my proportion, like the
prodigious son, and am going with Sir Proteus to the Imperial’s court.
I think Crab my dog be the sourest-natured dog that lives: my mother
weeping, my father wailing, my sister crying, our maid howling, our cat
wringing her hands, and all our house in a great perplexity, yet did
not this cruel-hearted cur shed one tear. He is a stone, a very
pebblestone, and has no more pity in him than a dog. A Jew would have
wept to have seen our parting. Why, my grandam, having no eyes, look
you, wept herself blind at my parting. Nay, I’ll show you the manner of
it. This shoe is my father. No, this left shoe is my father; no, no,
this left shoe is my mother. Nay, that cannot be so neither. Yes, it is
so, it is so; it hath the worser sole. This shoe with the hole in it is
my mother, and this my father. A vengeance on ’t, there ’tis. Now, sir,
this staff is my sister, for, look you, she is as white as a lily and
as small as a wand. This hat is Nan, our maid. I am the dog. No, the
dog is himself, and I am the dog. O, the dog is me, and I am myself.
Ay, so, so. Now come I to my father: “Father, your blessing.” Now
should not the shoe speak a word for weeping. Now should I kiss my
father. Well, he weeps on. Now come I to my mother. O, that she could
speak now like a wood woman! Well, I kiss her. Why there ’tis; here’s
my mother’s breath up and down. Now come I to my sister. Mark the moan
she makes. Now the dog all this while sheds not a tear nor speaks a
word; but see how I lay the dust with my tears.
No, it'll be at least another hour before I stop crying; everyone in the Lance family has this same problem. I've received my share of the inheritance, like the prodigal son, and I'm going with Sir Proteus to the Emperor's court. I think Crab, my dog, is the most bad-tempered dog alive. My mother crying, my father wailing, my sister screaming, our maid howling, our cat wringing her hands, and our whole household in complete chaos—yet this cruel, heartless dog didn't shed a single tear. He's like a stone, a pebble really, with no more compassion in him than a dog. A Jew would have wept to see us part. Why, my grandmother, who has no eyes, wept herself blind at my parting. But let me show you how it went. This shoe is my father. No wait, this left shoe is my father—no, no, this left shoe is my mother. That doesn't work either. Yes it does, it does; it has the worse sole. This shoe with the hole is my mother, and this one is my father. There we go. Now this staff is my sister, because, look, she's pale as a lily and thin as a stick. This hat is Nan, our maid. I'm the dog. No, the dog is himself, and I'm the dog. Wait, the dog is me, and I'm myself. Yes, that's right. Now I come to my father: "Father, bless me." The shoe shouldn't speak a word because it's crying. I should kiss my father. Well, he keeps crying. Now I come to my mother. If only she could speak like a wild woman! Well, I kiss her. That's it; here's my mother's breath going in and out. Now I come to my sister. Listen to the sound she makes. All this time the dog sheds no tear and says nothing; but look how I dampen the earth with my tears.
Look, I'm going to be crying for at least another hour—everyone in my family does this. I got my inheritance like that prodigal son kid, and now I'm heading to the Emperor's court with Sir Proteus. My dog Crab? Worst-tempered dog ever. Everyone was sobbing—my mom, my dad, my sister, the maid, even the cat was upset—and this cold-hearted jerk didn't shed one single tear. He's like a rock. You'd think even a Jew would've cried seeing us split up. My grandmother literally cried herself blind when I left. Let me act this out for you. This shoe is my dad. Wait, no, this left shoe is my dad. Actually no, the left shoe is my mom. Nope, that doesn't work. Actually it does—it's got the worse sole. This shoe with the hole is my mom, and this one is my dad. Perfect. Now this stick is my sister—she's pale like a lily and skinny as a wand. This hat is Nan, our maid. I'm the dog. No wait, the dog is the dog and I'm me. Or the dog is me? Yeah, that's it. Okay, now I go to my dad: "Father, bless me." The shoe's crying so it can't say anything. I kiss my dad. Yeah, he's still crying. Now I go to my mom. God, if she could talk like a wild woman right now! I kiss her. There's her breathing. Now to my sister. Listen to her cry. And the whole time, the dog just stands there—no tears, no words—while I'm literally drowning the ground with tears.
im gonna cry forever everyone in my fam was bawling at the goodbye mom crying dad wailing sister screaming maid howling cat upset but crab my dog??? stone cold didnt shed one tear so mean im gonna show u how it went *uses shoe as dad, shoe as mom, staff as sister, hat as maid* im the dog. no the dog is himself. wait the dog is me kiss dad, he keeps crying kiss mom if she could just speak kiss sister listen to her moan dog says nothing sheds nothing and im out here soaking the ground w my tears
Lance, away, away! Aboard! Thy master is shipped, and thou art to post
after with oars. What’s the matter? Why weep’st thou, man? Away, ass.
You’ll lose the tide if you tarry any longer.
Lance, go on, go now! Get on board! Your master has already set sail, and you're supposed to follow with the oars. What's wrong with you? Why are you crying, man? Come on, get moving. You're going to lose the tide if you wait any longer.
Lance, come on, let's go! Get on the boat! Your boss already sailed off, and you're supposed to row after him. What's up with you? Why are you crying? Come on, move it. You're gonna miss the tide if you stand around any longer.
lance move it now get on the boat your master already sailed you gotta row after him stop crying go go go tide's leaving
It is no matter if the tied were lost, for it is the unkindest tied
that ever any man tied.
It doesn't matter if the tide is lost, because this bond that ties me here is the cruelest tie anyone could ever experience.
Honestly, losing the tide isn't a big deal—this bond tying me to this place is the worst thing that's ever happened to me.
doesnt matter abt the tide this tie to crab is the cruelest thing ever
What’s the unkindest tide?
What's this cruel tie you're talking about?
Wait, what cruel tie are you even talking about?
what cruel tie??
Why, he that’s tied here, Crab, my dog.
The one who's tied up here—Crab, my dog.
Crab, my dog, who's chained up here. He's the cruel one.
crab my dog the one tied here
Tut, man, I mean thou’lt lose the flood, and, in losing the flood, lose
thy voyage, and, in losing thy voyage, lose thy master, and, in losing
thy master, lose thy service, and, in losing thy service—why dost thou
stop my mouth?
Listen, I'm saying you'll lose the high tide, and if you lose the tide, you'll lose the voyage, and if you lose the voyage, you'll lose your master, and if you lose your master, you'll lose your job, and if you lose your job—why are you stopping my mouth?
Come on, man, you'll miss the tide, and if you miss the tide, you miss the voyage, and if you miss the voyage, you lose your master, and if you lose your master, you lose your position, and if you lose your position—wait, why are you shutting me up?
lose the tide lose the voyage lose the master lose the job and—why u stopping me
For fear thou shouldst lose thy tongue.
Because I'm afraid you'll lose your tongue.
Because I'm worried you're gonna talk your tongue right off.
so you dont lose ur tongue
Where should I lose my tongue?
How could I possibly lose my tongue?
How in the world would I lose my tongue?
what how would i lose my tongue??
In thy tale.
In your endless story.
In that long-winded tale of yours.
in ur story
In thy tail!
In your rear end!
In your butt!
in ur tail lol
Lose the tide, and the voyage, and the master, and the service, and the
tied? Why, man, if the river were dry, I am able to fill it with my
tears; if the wind were down, I could drive the boat with my sighs.
Lose the tide and the voyage and the master and the job and the bond? Look, if the river were dry, I could fill it completely with my tears; if the wind were gone, I could push the boat forward with my sighs.
Miss the tide and the voyage and the master and the job and Crab? If the river dried up, I could fill it back up with tears. If there was no wind, I could sail the boat just by sighing.
lose the tide voyage master job and crab? id fill a dry river w my tears id power a boat w my sighs im that sad
Come, come away, man. I was sent to call thee.
Come on, let's go already, man. I was sent here to get you.
Seriously, let's just go. I was sent to come get you.
come on lets go i was sent to get u
Sir, call me what thou dar’st.
Sir, call me anything you dare.
Sir, you can call me whatever you want.
call me whatever u dare
Will thou go?
Will you go?
Are you coming or not?
u gonna go?
Well, I will go.
Alright, I'll go.
Yeah, okay, I'm coming.
fine ill go
The Reckoning
Lance's shoe-and-staff re-enactment of his family's farewell parodies the tearful parting of lovers that comes just before it. It is one of Shakespeare's earliest great clown routines. Lance fumbles over which shoe is his mother, casts himself as the dog, then the dog as himself, and ends up so tangled in his own staging that the grief turns ridiculous. The joke is that the whole household sobbed, the cat included, while Crab sat there unmoved. Notice the question underneath it: who actually feels things, and who just performs them? A dog that won't fake emotion is an odd mirror for a play full of lovers making big promises. Pantino's rushed 'tide' warnings give Lance his pun on 'tied', which shows that this clown is quicker with words than he looks.
If this happened today…
You're moving across the country for a job. Your mom cried, your dad cried, even your grandma called in tears. Now you're at the airport telling a stranger all about it, using your carry-on and your water bottle to show who stood where. Your dog, meanwhile, spent the whole goodbye chewing a sock and never looked up. That's the part you can't get over. Then a friend texts, all caps, that boarding is closing, and you answer with a joke.