Ned, prithee, come out of that fat room, and lend me thy hand to laugh
a little.
Ned, come out of that stuffy room and help me have a good laugh.
Ned, get out of that hot crowded room—come help me have a laugh.
ned come out & laugh w me
Where hast been, Hal?
Where have you been, Hal?
Where've you been, Hal?
where u been hal
With three or four loggerheads amongst three or fourscore hogsheads. I
have sounded the very base-string of humility. Sirrah, I am sworn
brother to a leash of drawers, and can call them all by their Christian
names, as Tom, Dick, and Francis. They take it already upon their
salvation, that though I be but Prince of Wales, yet I am the king of
courtesy, and tell me flatly I am no proud Jack, like Falstaff, but a
Corinthian, a lad of mettle, a good boy,—by the Lord, so they call
me—and when I am King of England, I shall command all the good lads in
Eastcheap. They call drinking deep, “dyeing scarlet,” and when you
breathe in your watering, they cry “Hem!” and bid you “Play it off!” To
conclude, I am so good a proficient in one quarter of an hour, that I
can drink with any tinker in his own language during my life. I tell
thee, Ned, thou hast lost much honour that thou wert not with me in
this action; but, sweet Ned—to sweeten which name of Ned, I give thee
this pennyworth of sugar, clapped even now into my hand by an
underskinker, one that never spake other English in his life than
“Eight shillings and sixpence,” and “You are welcome,” with this shrill
addition, “Anon, anon, sir! Score a pint of bastard in the Half-moon,”
or so. But, Ned, to drive away the time till Falstaff come, I prithee,
do thou stand in some by-room, while I question my puny drawer to what
end he gave me the sugar, and do thou never leave calling “Francis,”
that his tale to me may be nothing but “Anon.” Step aside, and I’ll
show thee a precedent.
With three or four dimwits among thirty to forty wine barrels. I have tested the absolute depths of humility. I am sworn brother to a group of waiters and can call them all by their real names—Tom, Dick, and Francis. They truly believe that even though I'm just Prince of Wales, I'm the king of politeness, and they tell me flat out I'm not a stuck-up guy like Falstaff, but sophisticated, a fine lad, truly—as they put it—and when I'm King of England, I'll command all the good lads in Eastcheap. They call heavy drinking "dying scarlet," and when you drink from the cup, they cry "Hmm!" and say "Drink it all!" In short, in just a quarter of an hour, I've become so good at drinking that I can drink with any working man in his own dialect for the rest of my life. I tell you, Ned, you lost real glory not being with me during this great moment; but sweet Ned—to sweeten that name of Ned—I give you this penny's worth of sugar, just now put in my hand by a junior waiter, one who has only ever said in English, "Eight shillings and sixpence," and "You are welcome," with that shrill extra bit, "Right away, right away, sir! Write down a pint of bastard wine in the Half-moon," or something like that. But Ned, to pass the time until Falstaff comes, I'm asking you to stand in some side room while I question this young waiter about why he gave me the sugar. Keep calling out "Francis!" so his only answer to me is "Right away." Step aside, and I'll show you this little scene play out.
Been hanging out with a few dummies and a bunch of beer barrels. Basically hit rock bottom in terms of dignity. Now I'm best friends with the waiters—know them all by their real names, Tom, Dick, Francis, all of them. They swear up and down that I'm not some stuck-up jerk like Falstaff, I'm actually a decent guy, a good sport. They call me the king of politeness! And when I'm king, I'll take care of all the good guys down at Eastcheap. Their slang is hilarious—they call getting drunk "dying scarlet," and they yell "Hmm!" and "Drink it down!" I've become such an expert drinker in just fifteen minutes, I can drink with any blue-collar guy on the planet. You should've been there, Ned—it was amazing. To make up for your missing out, I got you this cheap sugar that some baby waiter handed me. That's literally the only thing he ever says in English—just "Eight shillings and sixpence" and "Welcome," plus that annoying "Right away, sir!" stuff. Look, while we wait for Falstaff, stand over there and keep yelling "Francis!" while I question this kid about the sugar. Just keep saying "Francis" so that's all he says. You'll get a kick out of it.
been drinking w the bar staff lol. im basically the king of politeness now. gonna make u watch me mess w the waiter francis - just keep calling his name & he'll lose his mind
[_Within_] Francis!
Francis!
Francis!
francis!
Thou art perfect.
You're excellent at this.
You've got this down perfectly.
ur perfect at this lol
[_Within_] Francis!
Francis!
Hey, Francis!
hey francis!
Anon, anon, sir.—Look down into the Pomegarnet, Ralph.
Right away, right away, sir. Look down into the Pomegranate, Ralph.
Coming, coming, sir. Check on things down in the Pomegranate, Ralph.
yeah yeah coming sir
Come hither, Francis.
Come here, Francis.
Come here, Francis.
francis get over here
My lord?
Yes, sir?
Yes, sir?
yes sir
How long hast thou to serve, Francis?
How long do you still have to serve, Francis?
How much longer is your apprenticeship, Francis?
how long u gotta work here
Forsooth, five years, and as much as to—
In all honesty, five years, and as much as that amounts to—
Honestly, five years, maybe more—
like five years more honestly
[_within._] Francis!
Francis!
Francis!
francis!!!
Anon, anon, sir.
Right away, right away, sir.
Coming, coming, sir.
yeah yeah coming sir
Five year! By’r Lady, a long lease for the clinking of pewter! But,
Francis, darest thou be so valiant as to play the coward with thy
indenture, and show it a fair pair of heels, and run from it?
Five years! By heaven, that's a long time just to hear drinking glasses clink! But Francis, do you dare be brave enough to act like a coward with your apprenticeship contract—show it your heels and run away?
Five years?! That's ages just to stand around listening to glasses clink! But come on, Francis—you're brave enough to ditch this place, right? Just run off and ignore your contract?
five yrs?? that's forever. u can just dip right. run away from this contract
O Lord, sir, I’ll be sworn upon all the books in England, I could find
in my heart—
Oh my lord, I swear on every book in England, I could find it in my heart—
Oh sir, I swear by everything, I've thought about it—
oh man i swear i could totally—
[_within._] Francis!
Francis!
Francis!
yo francis
Anon, sir.
Right away, sir.
Coming, sir.
yeah coming sir
How old art thou, Francis?
How old are you, Francis?
How old are you anyway?
how old r u
Let me see, about Michaelmas next I shall be—
Let me think—by the time of Michaelmas next, I'll be—
Let me see, by next Michaelmas I'll be—
lemme think... by michaelmas im gonna be
[_within._] Francis!
Francis!
Francis!
francis??
Anon, sir.—Pray, stay a little, my lord.
Right away, sir. Please wait just a moment, my lord.
Coming, sir. Wait just a second, my lord.
yeah coming sir hold on
Nay, but hark you, Francis, for the sugar thou gavest me, ’twas a
pennyworth, was’t not?
No wait, listen here, Francis. About that sugar you gave me—it was worth a penny, wasn't it?
Hold on, Francis. That sugar you gave me—was it just worth a penny?
that sugar was only worth a penny right
O Lord, I would it had been two!
Oh my lord, I wish it had been two!
Oh sir, I wish it had cost twice as much!
wish i coulda given u more lol
I will give thee for it a thousand pound. Ask me when thou wilt, and
thou shalt have it.
I will give you a thousand pounds for it. Ask me whenever you want, and you'll get it.
I'll give you a thousand pounds for it. Just ask me whenever you need it, and it's yours.
ima give u 1000 pounds for that sugar whenever u want it
[_within._] Francis!
Francis!
Francis!
FRANCIS!
Anon, anon.
Right away, right away.
Coming, coming.
yeah yeah coming
Anon, Francis? No, Francis, but tomorrow, Francis; or, Francis, a
Thursday; or indeed, Francis, when thou wilt. But, Francis,—
Right away, Francis? No, Francis, but tomorrow, Francis. Or, Francis, next Thursday. Or really, Francis, whenever you want. But Francis—
Right away? No, no—tomorrow, Francis. Or Thursday, Francis. Or whenever, Francis. But here's the thing, Francis—
not now... tomorrow francis. thursday. whenever. but francis—
My lord?
Yes, sir?
Yes, sir?
yes sir
Wilt thou rob this leathern-jerkin, crystal-button, not-pated,
agate-ring, puke-stocking, caddis-garter, smooth-tongue, Spanish-pouch—
Will you rob that leather-jerkin, crystal-button, bald-headed, agate-ring, reddish-stocking, fabric-garter, smooth-talking, Spanish-wallet-carrying—
Will you rob that leather-jacket, shiny-button, bald-headed, ring-wearing, short, well-dressed—
will u rob that leather jacket guy w the bald head
O Lord, sir, who do you mean?
Oh my lord, sir, who are you talking about?
Oh sir, who do you mean?
who r u talking about tho
Why, then, your brown bastard is your only drink, for look you,
Francis, your white canvas doublet will sully. In Barbary, sir, it
cannot come to so much.
Why, your brown bastard wine is your only drink then. Look here, Francis, your white linen doublet will get dirty. In Barbary, sir, it wouldn't cost so much.
Well, brown bastard wine is your only choice then. See, Francis, your white linen shirt's gonna get stained. In Africa, that wouldn't be worth much.
brown bastard wine only. ur white shirt will get dirty. not worth much
What, sir?
What, sir?
What, sir?
what sir
[_within._] Francis!
Francis!
Francis!
francis buddy
Away, you rogue! Dost thou not hear them call?
Get away, you rogue! Do you not hear them calling you?
Go on, you fool! Don't you hear them calling?
go fool! u hear them calling
What, stand’st thou still, and hear’st such a calling? Look to the
guests within.
Why are you standing around, and not hearing all that shouting? Go take care of the guests inside.
Why're you just standing there? Go help the customers inside.
go help the ppl inside stop standing around
My lord, old Sir John with half-a-dozen more are at the door. Shall I
let them in?
Sir, old Sir John and about six of his companions are at the door. Should I let them in?
My lord, Sir John and five or six others are at the door. Shall I let them in?
sir john & like 6 guys at the door let em in?
Let them alone awhile, and then open the door.
Leave them alone for a while, and then open the door.
Let them wait a bit, then let them in.
leave em wait then open the door
Poins!
Poins!
Poins, get over here!
poins!
Anon, anon, sir.
Right away, right away, sir.
Coming, coming, sir.
yeah yeah coming sir
Sirrah, Falstaff and the rest of the thieves are at the door; shall we
be merry?
Look, Falstaff and the rest of the thieves are at the door. Should we have some fun?
Falstaff and the rest of those crooks are here. Want to have some laughs?
falstaff & the thieves here. wanna have fun
As merry as crickets, my lad. But hark ye, what cunning match have you
made with this jest of the drawer? Come, what’s the issue?
As happy as crickets, my lad. But listen, what clever trick have you played with this prank about the waiter? Come on, what's the result?
Happy as can be, buddy. But seriously, what's the deal with that joke about Francis? What happened?
super happy. but what was that francis joke about lol
I am now of all humours that have showed themselves humours since the
old days of goodman Adam to the pupil age of this present twelve
o’clock at midnight.
I am now in every mood that has appeared since the days of old Adam until this very moment at midnight.
Basically, I've experienced every single emotion ever, and I'm still going.
ive been every mood since adam til now lol
What’s o’clock, Francis?
What time of day is it, Francis?
What time is it, Francis?
what time?
Anon, anon, sir.
Right away, right away, sir.
Coming, coming, sir.
yeah yeah coming
That ever this fellow should have fewer words than a parrot, and yet
the son of a woman! His industry is upstairs and downstairs; his
eloquence the parcel of a reckoning. I am not yet of Percy’s mind, the
Hotspur of the north, he that kills me some six or seven dozen of Scots
at a breakfast, washes his hands, and says to his wife, “Fie upon this
quiet life! I want work.” “O my sweet Harry,” says she, “how many hast
thou killed today?” “Give my roan horse a drench,” says he; and
answers, “Some fourteen,” an hour after; “a trifle, a trifle.” I
prithee, call in Falstaff. I’ll play Percy, and that damned brawn shall
play Dame Mortimer his wife. _Rivo!_ says the drunkard. Call in Ribs,
call in Tallow.
That this fellow should have fewer words than a parrot and yet be born of a woman! All he does is run up and down stairs; his speech is just the cost of a meal written on a tab. I'm not yet in the mood of Percy, that Hotspur from the north, the one who kills me six or seven dozen Scots before breakfast, washes his hands, and says to his wife, "Ugh, this peaceful life is boring! I want work." "Oh my sweet Harry," says she, "how many have you killed today?" "Give my horse a good drink," he says, and answers, "Maybe fourteen," an hour later; "just a few, just a few." I'm asking someone to call in Falstaff. I'll play Percy, and that damned fat man can play Dame Mortimer his wife. "Cheers!" says the drunk. Call in everyone with meat on their bones.
That guy talks less than a parrot and he's supposed to be human! All he does is run upstairs and downstairs; his whole vocabulary is whatever's on the bar tab. But I'm not like Percy, that crazy Hotspur from the north—you know, the guy who kills like eighty Scots for breakfast, then tells his wife he's bored because life's too peaceful. She asks, "How many did you kill today?" and he's like, "Give my horse a drink," and then "Oh, about fourteen," and acts like it's no big deal. Tell Falstaff to come in. I'll do the Hotspur impression and that fat guy can pretend to be Hotspur's wife. "Cheers!" Let's get everyone.
this guy talks less than a parrot lol. all he does is run around. not like hotspur who kills guys b4 breakfast & acts all tough. get falstaff come pretend to be his wife its hilarious
The Francis bit at the scene's opening is one of the most unsettling comic routines in Shakespeare. Hal traps a drawer — an apprentice waiter with five years left on his indenture — between two competing claims on his attention, and watches him freeze. He then summarizes the boy's entire existence: 'His industry is upstairs and downstairs, his eloquence the parcel of a reckoning.' It's funny and it's cruel. What does Hal learn from this? He immediately compares himself to Hotspur, whose entire vocabulary is also narrow ('his honour in his credit, and he that kills me some six or seven dozen Scots at a breakfast'). Both Francis and Hotspur, Hal implies, are creatures of a single register — one of service, one of violence. Hal's game is to be fluent in all registers. The Francis scene is a warm-up exercise in code-switching, and it leaves an uncomfortable aftertaste.
wine.
Wine!
Bring me wine!
wine
Welcome, Jack. Where hast thou been?
Welcome, Jack. Where have you been?
Welcome, Jack. Where've you been?
hey jack where u been
A plague of all cowards, I say, and a vengeance too! Marry, and amen!
Give me a cup of sack, boy. Ere I lead this life long, I’ll sew
nether-stocks, and mend them and foot them too. A plague of all
cowards! Give me a cup of sack, rogue. Is there no virtue extant?
Curse all cowards, I say, and death to them too! Really and truly! Give me a cup of wine, boy. If I have to keep living like this, I'll end up sewing stockings and patching them and fixing the heels too. Curse all cowards! Give me a cup of wine, you rogue. Is there no honor left anywhere?
A curse on all cowards—I mean it! Give me some wine, boy. If I have to do this much longer, I'll end up mending socks for a living. Curse all cowards! Come on, give me wine, you fool. Is there any courage left in this world at all?
curse all cowards. gimme wine. if this keeps up ima be sewing socks. where's the honor
Didst thou never see Titan kiss a dish of butter (pitiful-hearted
Titan!), that melted at the sweet tale of the sun’s? If thou didst,
then behold that compound.
Did you never see the sun god kiss a dish of butter (what a tender-hearted god!) that melted at the beautiful story of the sun's heat? If you did, then look at that combination.
Have you ever seen how fast butter melts under the sun? Look at Falstaff—he's like that dish of butter, just melting into a puddle.
see how butter melts? thats falstaff rn
You rogue, here’s lime in this sack too: there is nothing but roguery
to be found in villainous man, yet a coward is worse than a cup of sack
with lime in it. A villanous coward! Go thy ways, old Jack. Die when
thou wilt, if manhood, good manhood, be not forgot upon the face of the
Earth, then am I a shotten herring. There lives not three good men
unhanged in England, and one of them is fat, and grows old, God help
the while, a bad world, I say. I would I were a weaver; I could sing
psalms or anything. A plague of all cowards, I say still.
You rogue, this wine has lime in it too. There's nothing but dishonesty to find in a wicked person, yet a coward is worse than a cup of lime-spiked wine. What a dishonorable coward! Go on, old Jack. Drop dead whenever you want—if manhood, real manhood, hasn't completely disappeared from this earth, then I'm nothing but a dried-up herring. There aren't three good men still alive and not executed in England, and one of them is fat and growing old. God help us, it's a terrible time. I wish I were a weaver; I could sing hymns or anything. Curse all cowards, I keep saying.
You crook, there's lime in this wine too! There's nothing but corruption everywhere, but a coward is the worst thing of all—worse than bad wine. What a disgusting coward! Go ahead, Jack. Just die whenever. If real manhood still exists anywhere on this planet, then I'm like a dead fish. There's barely three decent people left in all of England who haven't been hanged, and one of them is fat and getting older. It's a mess. I wish I could just be a weaver instead, singing songs. Curse all cowards, I really mean it.
lime in the wine too. cowards r the worst. die whenever. barely any good ppl left in england. i wish i was a weaver singing songs
How now, wool-sack, what mutter you?
How now, you stuffed bag, what are you muttering about?
What's all this muttering about, you overstuffed fool?
what u muttering about u big bag
A king’s son! If I do not beat thee out of thy kingdom with a dagger of
lath, and drive all thy subjects afore thee like a flock of wild-geese,
I’ll never wear hair on my face more. You, Prince of Wales!
A king's son! If I don't beat you out of your kingdom with a wooden sword and chase all your people before you like a flock of wild geese, I'll never grow another beard. You, Prince of Wales!
The Prince! If I don't whip you with a wooden sword and scatter all your followers like birds, I'll shave off my beard forever. You, the Prince of Wales!
a prince! ima beat u with a stick & scatter all ur ppl. or im shaving my beard off forever
Why, you whoreson round man, what’s the matter?
Well, you round bastard, what's the problem?
What's your problem, you overstuffed jerk?
whats wrong w u fat man
Are not you a coward? Answer me to that—and Poins there?
Are you not a coward? Answer me that, and you too, Poins?
Aren't you both cowards? Answer me that.
ur both cowards right
Zounds, ye fat paunch, an ye call me coward, by the Lord, I’ll stab
thee.
Damn it, you fat-bellied fool, if you call me a coward, I swear to God I'll stab you.
If you call me a coward, I swear I'll run you through with my sword.
call me a coward & im stabbing u swear
I call thee coward? I’ll see thee damned ere I call thee coward, but I
would give a thousand pound I could run as fast as thou canst. You are
straight enough in the shoulders, you care not who sees your back. Call
you that backing of your friends? A plague upon such backing! Give me
them that will face me.—Give me a cup of sack. I am a rogue if I drunk
today.
Call you a coward? I'll see you damned before I call you a coward, but I'd pay a thousand pounds if I could run as fast as you. You've got broad shoulders; you don't care who sees your back. Is that what you call loyalty to your friends? The gods curse such disloyalty! Give me people who'll face me. Give me some wine. I'm a rogue if I've drunk anything today.
Call you a coward? I wouldn't even say it, but I'd give everything to run as fast as you. You've got good shoulders—you don't mind showing your back to people. What kind of friend does that make you? Curse that! Get me some real men. Get me wine. I haven't had a drop all day, swear to God.
wouldnt call u a coward but gimme ur speed. ur such a coward betraying ur friends. gimme wine. havent drunk all day
O villain! Thy lips are scarce wiped since thou drunk’st last.
Oh you villain! Your lips are barely dry from the last drink you had.
You liar! I can still see wine on your lips from just now.
ur lips r still wet from ur last drink liar
All is one for that. A plague of all cowards, still say I.
Doesn't matter. Curse all cowards, I keep saying.
Whatever. I curse all cowards, no matter what.
whatever. curse all cowards always
What’s the matter?
What's the problem?
What's going on?
whats up
What’s the matter? There be four of us here have ta’en a thousand pound
this day morning.
What's the problem? The four of us robbed a thousand pounds this morning.
What's the problem? We four stole a thousand pounds this morning.
we stole a 1000 pounds this morning
Where is it, Jack, where is it?
Where's the money, Jack? What happened to it?
Where is it, Jack? Where's the money?
where's our cash jack
Where is it? Taken from us it is: a hundred upon poor four of us.
Where is it? It was taken from us: a hundred we lost from the four of us.
Where is it? We lost it—they took a hundred pounds from us.
we lost a hundred bucks. got stolen
What, a hundred, man?
A hundred pounds, man?
A hundred pounds? Really?
a hundred? seriously
I am a rogue if I were not at half-sword with a dozen of them two hours
together. I have ’scaped by miracle. I am eight times thrust through
the doublet, four through the hose, my buckler cut through and through,
my sword hacked like a handsaw. _Ecce signum!_ I never dealt better
since I was a man: all would not do. A plague of all cowards! Let them
speak. If they speak more or less than truth, they are villains, and
the sons of darkness.
I'm a rogue if I wasn't toe-to-toe with a dozen of them for two hours straight. I escaped by pure luck. I got stabbed eight times through my doublet, four times through my hose, my shield cut clean through, my sword hacked like a saw. Look at this proof! I never fought better in my life: nothing worked. Curse all cowards! Let them speak. If they say anything more or less than the truth, they're villains and servants of darkness.
I swear I fought a dozen guys for two solid hours. I can't believe I got out alive. I got stabbed eight times in the chest, four times in the legs, my shield got torn apart, my sword looks like it went through a meat grinder. Look at me—proof! I've never fought harder in my life and it made no difference. Curse all cowards! Let them tell their version. If they say anything different from mine, they're complete liars and evil.
fought 12 guys 4 2 hours. stabbed 8 times chest 4 times legs. sword all destroyed. gimme wine everyone else is lying
Speak, sirs, how was it?
Speak, gentlemen. How did it happen?
Come on, tell us what actually happened.
what actually happened
We four set upon some dozen.
We four attacked some dozen of them.
The four of us came at maybe twelve guys.
we 4 attacked like 12 of em
Sixteen at least, my lord.
Sixteen at least, sir.
I'd say more like sixteen of them, sir.
more like 16 sir
And bound them.
And we tied them up.
And we tied them all up.
& we tied em up
No, no, they were not bound.
No, no, they weren't tied up.
No way, they weren't bound at all.
nah they werent tied up
You rogue, they were bound, every man of them, or I am a Jew else, an
Ebrew Jew.
You rogue, they were all tied up—every single one of them—or I'm a Jew, a Hebrew Jew.
They were absolutely tied up, every last one—or I'm not even Jewish, I'm so sure.
they were totally tied up all of em or im jewish
As we were sharing, some six or seven fresh men set upon us.
As we were dividing up the money, some six or seven fresh men came at us.
But then while we were splitting it up, like six or seven more guys showed up.
then like 6-7 more guys came at us while we split the cash
And unbound the rest, and then come in the other.
And they untied the rest, and then the other group came in.
Yeah, they untied the others and that's when everything fell apart.
& they freed all the ppl we tied up
What, fought you with them all?
Did you fight all of them?
So you fought all of them?
u fought all of em
All? I know not what you call all, but if I fought not with fifty of
them I am a bunch of radish. If there were not two or three and fifty
upon poor old Jack, then am I no two-legged creature.
All? I don't know what you mean by all, but if I didn't fight fifty of them, I'm nothing but a radish. If there weren't fifty-two or fifty-three attacking just me, then I'm not even a living creature.
All? I lost count, but if I didn't take on at least fifty guys, I'm a vegetable. There had to be fifty-plus just coming at me alone, or I'm not even human.
fought like 50+ guys or im a radish lol swear
Pray God you have not murdered some of them.
I hope to God you didn't kill any of them.
Please tell me you didn't actually kill anyone.
u didnt kill anyone right
Nay, that’s past praying for. I have peppered two of them. Two I am
sure I have paid, two rogues in buckram suits. I tell thee what, Hal,
if I tell thee a lie, spit in my face, call me horse. Thou knowest my
old ward. Here I lay, and thus I bore my point. Four rogues in buckram
let drive at me.
No, that's gone past the point of praying. I've killed two of them. Two I'm certain I got—two rogue men in padded suits. Let me tell you something, Hal: if I'm lying to you, spit in my face and call me a horse. You know my classic move. Here's how I stood, and here's how I held my sword. Four rogues in padded suits attacked me.
No way—I've killed at least two. Two for sure—two guys in padded armor. Swear to God, Hal: if I'm making this up, you can spit in my face. You know my fighting style. I stood like this, held my sword like this. Four guys in those armor suits came at me.
killed 2 guys swear. both in padded suits. if im lying spit on me. 4 guys attacked
What, four? Thou saidst but two even now.
What—four? You just said two a moment ago.
Wait—four? You just said two.
wait u said 2 not 4
Four, Hal, I told thee four.
Four, Hal. I told you four.
Four, Hal. I said four.
i said 4 hal
Ay, ay, he said four.
Yes, yes, he said four.
Yeah, he definitely said four.
yeah he said 4
These four came all afront, and mainly thrust at me. I made me no more
ado, but took all their seven points in my target, thus.
These four came straight at me and came at me hard. I didn't hesitate but caught all seven sword points on my shield like this.
These four came right at me, really going for it. I just blocked all seven of their sword strikes with my shield—like this.
4 guys right at me. blocked all 7 sword strikes w my shield lol
Seven? Why, there were but four even now.
Seven? But you said there were only four just now.
Seven? Didn't you say four?
7?? u said 4 tho
In buckram?
In padded suits?
In padded armor?
in padded suits
Ay, four, in buckram suits.
Yes, four in padded armor suits.
Yeah, four guys in padded suits.
yeah 4 in padded
Seven, by these hilts, or I am a villain else.
Seven, I swear by these sword hilts, or I'm a villain.
Seven—I swear on my sword—or I'm a liar.
7 by my sword handle or im a liar
[_aside to Poins._] Prithee let him alone, we shall have more anon.
Let him alone, Poins. We'll get more from him soon enough.
Leave him alone, we'll get even more out of him in a minute.
let him be we'll get more
Dost thou hear me, Hal?
Are you listening to me, Hal?
Pay attention, Hal—this is important.
u listening hal
Ay, and mark thee too, Jack.
Yes, and I'm watching you too, Jack.
Yeah, I'm listening, and I'm watching you closely.
yeah im listening & watching u jack
Do so, for it is worth the listening to. These nine in buckram that I
told thee of—
Then do so, because this is worth listening to. These nine in padded suits that I told you about—
Good, because this is important. These nine guys in padded suits I was telling you about—
cause this matters. these 9 guys in padded suits—
So, two more already.
Look—already two more attackers than before.
There's two more he just added.
he just added 2 more lol
Their points being broken—
Their sword points breaking—
Their swords broke—
weapons all shattered—
Down fell their hose.
Their pants fell down.
So they all dropped their pants.
& their pants fell lol
Began to give me ground; but I followed me close, came in foot and
hand, and with a thought seven of the eleven I paid.
Began to give me ground; but I followed right after them and came in close with hands and fighting, and with one swift move, I beat seven of the eleven.
They started backing up, but I came right after them, fought hand-to-hand, and took down seven of the eleven.
they backed up i chased took down 7 of 11
O monstrous! Eleven buckram men grown out of two!
Outrageous! Eleven soldiers came out of two men?
Unbelievable! So eleven guys just appeared from nowhere?
lmao eleven guys out of two people??
But as the devil would have it, three misbegotten knaves in Kendal
green came at my back and let drive at me, for it was so dark, Hal,
that thou couldst not see thy hand.
But to make matters worse, three disreputable villains dressed in Kendal green attacked me from behind, and it was so dark you couldn't even see your own hand.
But bad luck—three shady guys in green jumped me from behind, and it was pitch black, you couldn't see your own hand.
three guys in green attacked me from behind it was so dark u couldn't c ur hand
These lies are like the father that begets them, gross as a mountain,
open, palpable. Why, thou clay-brained guts, thou knotty-pated fool,
thou whoreson, obscene greasy tallow-catch—
These lies are as big and obvious as their origin—a mountain-sized lie. You thick-skulled creature, you knotted-headed fool, you obscene, greasy blockhead—
Your lies are huge and obvious, like they come from some enormous source. You stupid, dumb oaf, you disgusting greasy mess—
ur lies r massive and obvious u fat idiot ur so gross
What, art thou mad? Art thou mad? Is not the truth the truth?
What, are you crazy? Are you crazy? Isn't truth just truth?
Are you insane? Are you insane? What about the truth?
r u insane?? isn't truth just truth??
Why, how couldst thou know these men in Kendal green, when it was so
dark thou couldst not see thy hand? Come, tell us your reason. What
sayest thou to this?
How could you possibly recognize men in green clothes when it was so dark you couldn't see your own hand? Go on, explain yourself. What do you say to that?
How could you know what color their clothes were if it was too dark to see your own hand? Come on, give us an explanation. What do you have to say?
how'd u even c them if u couldn't c ur own hand?? explain this
Come, your reason, Jack, your reason.
Come on, Jack, give us your explanation. Your reason.
Come on, Jack, what's your excuse?
so ur excuse is??
What, upon compulsion? Zounds, an I were at the strappado, or all the
racks in the world, I would not tell you on compulsion. Give you a
reason on compulsion! If reasons were as plentiful as blackberries, I
would give no man a reason upon compulsion, I.
What, forced to explain? Absolutely not! Even if I were being tortured on the rack, I wouldn't explain under force. You want me to give you a reason against my will? If reasons were as common as blackberries, I still wouldn't give anyone a reason just because they demanded it.
You want me to explain under pressure? Never! They could torture me and I still wouldn't explain. A reason on demand? No way. Even if reasons grew on trees, I wouldn't give up my reason just because you forced me to.
not explaining under duress. not doing it. even if u tortured me no way
I’ll be no longer guilty of this sin. This sanguine coward, this
bed-presser, this horse-back-breaker, this huge hill of flesh—
I won't keep making this mistake. This ruddy-faced coward, this guy who only lies around, this weight that breaks horses, this enormous mass of fat—
I'm done making this mistake. This red-faced coward, this bed-dwelling slob, this horse-crushing whale, this huge mountain of flesh—
i'm done w this coward this lazy blob this huge fat guy
’Sblood, you starveling, you eel-skin, you dried neat’s-tongue, you
bull’s pizzle, you stock-fish—O, for breath to utter what is like thee!
You tailor’s-yard, you sheath, you bow-case, you vile standing tuck—
By God! You scrawny creature, you limp skin, you dried tongue, you bull's member, you dried fish—Oh, I don't have enough breath to describe what you're like! You're a measuring stick, a scabbard, a bow-case, a disgusting sword-sheath—
God! You skinny wreck, you limp thing, you dried-up piece, you disgusting weird thing, you dried-up fish—I don't have enough words for what you are! You're like a measuring stick, a sheath, a case, a gross piece of junk—
ur so skinny and gross a dried-up fish like seriously u r absolutely disgusting
Falstaff's account of Gadshill escalates from 'some twelve' to 'sixteen' to 'fifty' to 'eleven in buckram' in the space of about forty lines. This is Shakespeare being technically precise about how lies work: each escalation responds to a social cue, an opportunity to make the story bigger. Falstaff is not a clumsy liar — he's a virtuoso. He understands that the bigger the lie, the more committed you must appear to it, and the more committed you appear, the more people are invested in not catching you out (because the alternative is awkward). The Kendal green trap should defeat him. Instead, he pivots: the lion and the true prince. Not a better lie — a different category of claim altogether, one that cannot be disproved. It's a masterclass.
Well, breathe awhile, and then to it again, and when thou hast tired
thyself in base comparisons, hear me speak but this.
All right, catch your breath, and after you've exhausted yourself with these crude insults, listen to what I have to say.
Okay, take a breath, and when you've run out of insults, listen to me for a second.
ok breathe and when ur done insulting me listen up
Mark, Jack.
Pay attention, Jack.
Listen up, Jack.
listen jack
We two saw you four set on four, and bound them and were masters of
their wealth. Mark now how a plain tale shall put you down. Then did we
two set on you four, and, with a word, outfaced you from your prize,
and have it, yea, and can show it you here in the house. And, Falstaff,
you carried your guts away as nimbly, with as quick dexterity, and
roared for mercy, and still ran and roared, as ever I heard bull-calf.
What a slave art thou to hack thy sword as thou hast done, and then say
it was in fight! What trick, what device, what starting-hole canst thou
now find out to hide thee from this open and apparent shame?
My friend and I watched you four rob four men and take their money. Now listen to what really happened. My friend and I attacked your four-man crew, and without any fuss, we took the money away from you. We have it here and can prove it. Falstaff, you ran away so fast, so skillfully—screaming for mercy, bellowing like a baby bull the whole time. You banged up your sword and then claimed you fought bravely! What lie can you tell now to hide from this shameful truth?
Look, we watched you four rob those men and make off with their cash. But here's the thing: it was me and Poins against all four of you, and we beat you and took everything back. We have it right here. Falstaff, you ran away like crazy, screaming your head off like a frightened calf. You beat up your sword and then told everyone you fought like a hero! What excuse could you possibly have for this humiliation?
we saw you rob those guys then we robbed you have the money right here falstaff you screamed like a baby and beat up your sword then lied about fighting no excuse for this shame
Come, let’s hear, Jack, what trick hast thou now?
Come on, Jack, what's your excuse this time?
So Jack, what's your excuse?
so what's ur excuse
By the Lord, I knew ye as well as he that made ye. Why, hear you, my
masters, was it for me to kill the heir-apparent? Should I turn upon
the true prince? Why, thou knowest I am as valiant as Hercules: but
beware instinct. The lion will not touch the true prince. Instinct is a
great matter. I was now a coward on instinct. I shall think the better
of myself, and thee, during my life—I for a valiant lion, and thou for
a true prince. But, by the Lord, lads, I am glad you have the
money.—Hostess, clap to the doors. Watch tonight, pray tomorrow.
Gallants, lads, boys, hearts of gold, all the titles of good fellowship
come to you! What, shall we be merry? Shall we have a play extempore?
I recognized you immediately—I know you as well as my creator knows me. Listen, gentlemen, was I supposed to kill the heir to the throne? Should I have attacked the real prince? You know I'm as brave as Hercules, but think about instinct. A lion won't touch the real prince—instinct is a powerful thing. I ran away by instinct, following nature itself. During my whole life, I'll think better of myself as a brave lion and better of you as a true prince. Anyway, I'm genuinely glad you got the money. Hostess, lock the doors. Be on watch tonight, pray tomorrow. Friends, excellent fellows, wonderful guys, you have all the qualities of true companionship! Should we have some fun? Should we put on an impromptu performance?
I knew who you were immediately. Was I really supposed to fight the prince? Come on, you know I'm incredibly brave, but instinct is everything. A lion won't touch a real prince—that's just nature. I ran by instinct. I'll respect myself as a brave lion and you as the real prince. Anyway, I'm actually happy you got the money. Hostess, lock up. Stay alert tonight. Everyone here, you're all great guys—friends of the best kind! Want to have some fun? Want to do an improvised play?
i knew u were the real prince so i backed off by instinct. lion doesn't fight real prince. u got the money tho so all good? let's have fun and do a play
Content; and the argument shall be thy running away.
Fine, and the plot of our play will be about you running away.
Sure, and the whole play is going to be about you running away.
ok play is bout u running away lol
Ah, no more of that, Hal, an thou lovest me!
Please, no more of that, Hal, if you care about me!
Come on, don't bring that up again if you like me!
pls stop if u actually like me
O Jesu, my lord the Prince—
Oh my goodness, my lord the Prince—
Oh wow, Prince—
oh prince—
How now, my lady the hostess! What say’st thou to me?
Hello, my good hostess! What do you want to say to me?
Hey hostess, what's up? What do you want to tell me?
yo what u want
Marry, my lord, there is a nobleman of the court at door would speak
with you: he says he comes from your father.
My lord, there's a nobleman from the court at the door asking to speak with you. He says he comes from your father.
My lord, there's some fancy guy from the court at the door who wants to talk to you. Says he's from your father.
some noble guy at the door from ur dad wants to talk to u
Give him as much as will make him a royal man, and send him back again
to my mother.
Give him enough money to make him feel like royalty, and send him back to my mother.
Give him some cash to make him feel like a king, then send him to my mother.
give him cash and send him to my mom
What manner of man is he?
What kind of man is he?
What's he like?
describe him
An old man.
An old man.
He's old.
old guy
What doth gravity out of his bed at midnight? Shall I give him his
answer?
What's making this dignified old man get out of bed at midnight? Should I go give him an answer?
What's got this serious old guy out of bed at midnight? Should I go talk to him?
why's this serious old dude up at midnight should i go talk to him
Prithee do, Jack.
Please do, Jack.
Yeah, go ahead Jack.
ya go
Faith, and I’ll send him packing.
Truly, I'll send him away.
I'll get rid of him.
sending him packing
Now, sirs: by’r Lady, you fought fair, so did you, Peto. So did you,
Bardolph. You are lions, too, you ran away upon instinct, you will not
touch the true prince, no, fie!
Now listen, gentlemen—by God's faith, you fought honorably, Peto and Bardolph. You're brave like lions too, I suppose—you all ran away by instinct, refusing to touch the real prince. Shame on you!
Now you guys—you fought fair too, Peto and Bardolph. You're lions as well—you all ran away following your instincts, refusing to fight a real prince. Pathetic!
u all fought so fair lol lions lol ran away by instinct whatever guys
Faith, I ran when I saw others run.
Honestly, I ran when I saw everyone else running.
Yeah, I just followed everyone else when they ran.
i ran when u all ran
Faith, tell me now in earnest, how came Falstaff’s sword so hacked?
But tell me seriously, how did Falstaff's sword get so damaged?
Okay, seriously, how did Falstaff's sword get so messed up?
so how'd his sword get so damaged
Why, he hacked it with his dagger, and said he would swear truth out of
England but he would make you believe it was done in fight, and
persuaded us to do the like.
He deliberately damaged it with his dagger, and swore he would exile truth from England itself before he let you not believe he got those cuts in battle. He even convinced us to do the same.
He cut it with his dagger on purpose and then swore he'd move truth out of the country before he'd let you doubt he got those cuts in fighting. He got us to damage ours too.
he damaged it w his dagger and made it look like battle wounds he's so fake
Yea, and to tickle our noses with spear-grass to make them bleed, and
then to beslubber our garments with it, and swear it was the blood of
true men. I did that I did not this seven year before: I blushed to
hear his monstrous devices.
Yes, and he had us rub grass up our noses to make them bleed, then he smeared the blood on our clothes, and swore it was blood from a real battle. I haven't blushed from shame in seven years until I heard how crazy his scheme was.
And he made us tickle our noses with grass to make them bleed, then we rubbed that blood on our clothes to look like battle wounds. I haven't been embarrassed in years until I heard how insane that plan was.
he made us put grass up our nose to bleed and pretend it was battle blood so fake i was embarrassed
O villain, thou stolest a cup of sack eighteen years ago, and wert
taken with the manner, and ever since thou hast blushed extempore. Thou
hadst fire and sword on thy side, and yet thou ran’st away. What
instinct hadst thou for it?
You villain! You stole alcohol eighteen years ago and got caught, and you've been blushing without stop ever since. You had military support and weapons, yet you still ran away. What instinct made you do that?
You thief! You stole some booze eighteen years ago and got caught, and your face has been red ever since. You had weapons and armed men with you, and you still ran. What instinct was that?
u stole booze 18 years ago and ur still red faced now u had weapons and still ran lmao
My lord, do you see these meteors? Do you behold these exhalations?
My lord, do you see these fiery marks on my face? Do you observe these glowing signs?
My lord, are you seeing these red spots on my face? These glowing marks?
u c these red marks on my face right
I do.
I do.
Yeah.
yep
What think you they portend?
What do you think they mean?
What's the meaning of those marks?
what d they mean
Hot livers and cold purses.
Heavy drinking and empty pockets.
It means you drink too much and never have any money.
you drink too much and you're broke
Choler, my lord, if rightly taken.
Anger, my lord, if you look at it that way.
Anger, if that's how you read it.
it means anger actually
No, if rightly taken, halter.
No, if we're being accurate, it means a noose around your neck.
If we're being honest, it means you're going to be hanged.
nah it means hanging ur neck
Here comes lean Jack, here comes bare-bone. How now, my sweet creature
of bombast? How long is’t ago, Jack, since thou sawest thine own knee?
Here comes my thin friend, here comes my scrawny one. Well, well, my sweet puffed-up creature! Jack, how long has it been since you could see your own knees?
Oh look, here comes our skinny friend. My gorgeous bag of hot air! Jack, when was the last time you could actually see your own knees?
oh look skinny jack how long since u could see ur knees?
My own knee? When I was about thy years, Hal, I was not an eagle’s
talon in the waist. I could have crept into any alderman’s thumb-ring:
a plague of sighing and grief! It blows a man up like a bladder.
There’s villanous news abroad: here was Sir John Bracy from your
father; you must to the court in the morning. That same mad fellow of
the north, Percy, and he of Wales that gave Amamon the bastinado, and
made Lucifer cuckold, and swore the devil his true liegeman upon the
cross of a Welsh hook—what a plague call you him?
My own knee? When I was your age, Hal, my waist was so small you could barely grasp it between your fingers. I was so thin I could have fit inside any rich man's thumb ring. But sighing and sadness ruins a person—it puffs you up like a balloon. There's terrible news: your father's messenger, Sir John Bracy, was just here. You have to go to court in the morning. There's this crazy warrior from the north, Percy, and that Welsh guy who claims he beat demons themselves and even made the devil a cuckold, swearing the devil loyalty on his Welsh pike—what do you call that guy?
When I was your age, my waist was tiny—I could've fit in a rich guy's ring. But depression and worry blow you up like a balloon. There's bad news though: your father sent Sir John Bracy here. You have to go to court tomorrow. There's this crazy guy Percy from the north, and that Welsh warrior who claims he beat demons and made the devil jealous—what's his name?
i was thin as a kid now i'm huge worry does that. bad news u gotta go to court. that crazy percy and the welsh demon guy
O, Glendower.
Oh, Glendower.
Glendower.
glendower
Owen, Owen, the same; and his son-in-law Mortimer, and old
Northumberland, and that sprightly Scot of Scots, Douglas, that runs
a-horseback up a hill perpendicular—
Owen, Owen, that's the one. And his son-in-law Mortimer, old Northumberland, and that lively Scottish warrior Douglas, who rides his horse straight up almost vertical hills—
Yeah Owen, and his son-in-law Mortimer, old Northumberland, and that energetic Scot Douglas who literally rides up hills straight up—
owen and mortimer and northumberland and douglas that scot who rides straight up hills
He that rides at high speed, and with his pistol kills a sparrow
flying.
The one who gallops at full speed and can shoot a flying bird with his gun.
The guy who rides really fast and can shoot flying birds with his pistol.
the guy who shoots flying birds while riding
You have hit it.
That's exactly who I mean.
That's the guy.
ya that one
So did he never the sparrow.
Though he never actually hit the sparrow.
Though he probably never actually hit one.
except he never actually hit one lol
Well, that rascal hath good metal in him, he will not run.
That rogue has courage in him—he doesn't run away.
That guy has guts—he doesn't back down.
that guy's brave he don't run
Why, what a rascal art thou then, to praise him so for running!
So what does that make you, praising someone who doesn't run when you yourself run?
Then what kind of rogue are you, praising someone for not running when you ran?
wait u praise him for not running but u ran lol
A-horseback, ye cuckoo, but afoot he will not budge a foot.
On horseback, you fool, but on foot he won't move an inch.
On horseback, dummy, but he won't budge if he's on foot.
on a horse not on foot lol
Yes, Jack, upon instinct.
Right, Jack, just like your instinct.
Sure, Jack, just like your instinct defense.
ya by instinct like u
I grant ye, upon instinct. Well, he is there too, and one Mordake, and
a thousand blue-caps more. Worcester is stolen away tonight; thy
father’s beard is turned white with the news. You may buy land now as
cheap as stinking mackerel.
I grant you, by instinct. Well, he's there too, and Mordake, and a thousand Scots soldiers. Worcester escaped tonight. Your father's hair has gone white from worry. Land is now as cheap and worthless as rotten fish.
Fine, by instinct. Well, he's there too, and Mordake and a thousand Scottish soldiers. Worcester took off last night. Your father's gotten gray from the stress. Property is worthless now, cheaper than bad fish.
ok by instinct. thousands of scots there too. worcester ran away ur dad's scared. land's worthless now
Why then, it is like if there come a hot June, and this civil buffeting
hold, we shall buy maidenheads as they buy hobnails, by the hundreds.
So if there's a hot summer and this conflict continues, women will be so desperate that they'll trade their virginity in bulk, like buying nails by the hundred.
So if the war drags on through summer, women will become so desperate they'll give up their virginity like we buy cheap nails—in bulk.
so if war goes on girls will b so desperate virginity'll b cheap as nails lol
By the mass, lad, thou sayest true. It is like we shall have good
trading that way. But tell me, Hal, art not thou horrible afeard? Thou
being heir-apparent, could the world pick thee out three such enemies
again as that fiend Douglas, that spirit Percy, and that devil
Glendower? Art thou not horribly afraid? Doth not thy blood thrill at
it?
By God, boy, you're right. There will be good opportunities that way. But tell me Hal, aren't you terrified? As the heir to the throne, could the world find three worse enemies than that demon Douglas, that energetic Percy, and that devilish Glendower? Aren't you absolutely terrified? Doesn't your blood race with fear?
You're right, we could profit. But seriously Hal, aren't you scared out of your mind? As heir to the throne, could anyone find three worse enemies than Douglas, Percy, and Glendower? Aren't you freaking out? Isn't your heart pounding?
ur right but r u terrified?? best enemies ever douglas percy glendower ur scared right??
Not a whit, i’faith. I lack some of thy instinct.
Not at all, honestly. I don't have your gift for panic.
Not even a little. I guess I'm missing your panic instinct.
nope. i don't have ur fear instinct lol
Well, thou wilt be horribly chid tomorrow when thou comest to thy
father. If thou love me practise an answer.
Well, you're going to get severely scolded tomorrow when you see your father. If you care about me, practice defending yourself.
Your dad's gonna yell at you tomorrow. If you like me, work on your excuse.
ur dads gonna b mad tomorrow. practice ur excuse if u like me
Do thou stand for my father and examine me upon the particulars of my
life.
You play my father and grill me about my life.
You be my dad and quiz me about my life.
b my dad and quiz me
Shall I? Content! This chair shall be my state, this dagger my sceptre,
and this cushion my crown.
Shall I? Gladly! This chair will be my throne, this dagger my scepter, and this cushion my crown.
Sure! This chair is my throne, this dagger is my scepter, this cushion is my crown.
ok this chair is my throne dagger's my scepter cushion's my crown
Thy state is taken for a joint-stool, thy golden sceptre for a leaden
dagger, and thy precious rich crown for a pitiful bald crown.
Your royal seat looks like a broken bench, your golden scepter like a cheap lead dagger, and your precious rich crown like a sad bald head.
Your throne looks like a broken stool, your golden scepter like a cheap metal dagger, your crown like a sad, bald head.
ur throne's a broken stool ur scepter's cheap ur crown's just a bald head lol
Well, an the fire of grace be not quite out of thee, now shalt thou be
moved. Give me a cup of sack to make my eyes look red, that it may be
thought I have wept, for I must speak in passion, and I will do it in
King Cambyses’ vein.
Well, if there's any spark of goodness left in you, this will move you. Give me some wine to make my eyes red so it looks like I've been crying, because I need to speak with real emotion. I'll do it in the overly dramatic style of King Cambyses.
Okay, if you have any conscience, this will get you. I need some wine to make my eyes red so I look like I've been crying, because I'm going to speak with real passion. I'll do it super dramatically.
gimme wine so my eyes look red i'm gonna cry and b dramatic af
Well, here is my leg.
Fine, here is my respectful bow to you.
Okay, here's my respectful gesture.
ok here's my bow
And here is my speech. Stand aside, nobility.
And here is my speech. Everyone move back, nobles.
And here's my speech. Everyone stand back.
here's my speech everyone step back
O Jesu, this is excellent sport, i faith!
Oh my goodness, this is wonderful entertainment, truly!
Oh wow, this is hilarious!
this is hilarious omg
Weep not, sweet Queen, for trickling tears are vain.
Don't cry, my dear Queen, because tears don't help anything.
Don't cry, sweet Queen, tears don't solve anything.
don't cry queen tears don't help
O, the Father, how he holds his countenance!
Oh my goodness, look how well he keeps a straight face!
Oh wow, he's keeping such a serious expression!
wow he's so serious lol
For God’s sake, lords, convey my tristful Queen,
For tears do stop the floodgates of her eyes.
For God's sake, gentlemen, remove my sad Queen, Because she can't even cry properly, the tears have sealed her eyes shut.
For God's sake, nobles, take away my heartbroken Queen, Because the tears have stopped up her eyes.
take my queen away her tears won't stop
O Jesu, he doth it as like one of these harlotry players as ever I see!
Oh my goodness, he acts just like one of those cheap theater players I've ever seen!
Oh wow, he's acting exactly like those cheap theater performers!
he's acting like a cheap theater guy lmao
The role-reversal — Falstaff playing the King, then Hal taking the throne — is one of the most structurally rich scenes Shakespeare ever wrote. When Falstaff plays Henry IV, he uses the occasion to praise himself extravagantly and denigrate everyone around him. When Hal takes over, the scene shifts in temperature. His verdict on Falstaff — 'that villainous, abominable misleader of youth' — is technically in-character, but the force of it is real. And then: 'I do, I will.' Two words that step outside the play-within-the-play entirely. Falstaff, to his credit, feels it. His defense — 'Banish plump Jack, and banish all the world' — is the last genuinely unguarded thing he says to Hal in the whole play. From here on, there's always a wariness between them.
Peace, good pint-pot; peace, good tickle-brain.—Harry, I do not only
marvel where thou spendest thy time, but also how thou art accompanied.
For though the camomile, the more it is trodden on, the faster it
grows, yet youth, the more it is wasted, the sooner it wears. That thou
art my son I have partly thy mother’s word, partly my own opinion, but
chiefly a villainous trick of thine eye, and a foolish hanging of thy
nether lip, that doth warrant me. If then thou be son to me, here lies
the point: why, being son to me, art thou so pointed at? Shall the
blessed sun of heaven prove a micher, and eat blackberries? A question
not to be asked. Shall the son of England prove a thief, and take
purses? A question to be asked. There is a thing, Harry, which thou
hast often heard of, and it is known to many in our land by the name of
pitch. This pitch, as ancient writers do report, doth defile; so doth
the company thou keepest. For, Harry, now I do not speak to thee in
drink, but in tears; not in pleasure, but in passion; not in words
only, but in woes also. And yet there is a virtuous man whom I have
often noted in thy company, but I know not his name.
Quiet, you tavern-keeper; quiet. Harry, I'm not only shocked at where you spend your time, but who you're with. Even though trampling on camomile makes it grow faster, trampling on young people just wears them out. I know you're my son partly from your mother, partly from my own judgment, but mainly from that nasty look in your eye and your foolish pouting lower lip. So if you're my son, here's my question: why do people point at you in shame? Would the sun itself sneak around and steal blackberries? That's not even a real question. Would the Prince of England become a thief and rob people? That's the question worth asking. There's something, Harry, you've heard about—everyone calls it pitch. Pitch, the old books say, corrupts and stains everything. Your friends do the same. Harry, I speak to you now not in drunkenness but in real sorrow, not for pleasure but from genuine pain, not just in words but with actual anguish. Yet there's one good man I've seen with you regularly, and I don't even know his name.
Be quiet, innkeeper. Harry, I'm amazed not just where you go, but who you hang around with. Sure, camomile bounces back when trampled, but young people just get worn down. I know you're my son from your mom, and from what I see, and mostly from that ugly look in your eye and your stupid hanging lip. So if you're my son, why does everyone point and shame you? Would the sun itself skip school and pick berries? Not worth asking. Would England's prince become a common thief? That's worth asking. There's something called pitch, Harry—and like pitch, bad company ruins you. I'm not drunk when I say this, Harry—I'm actually crying. I'm not trying to have fun, I'm in real pain. I speak with genuine anguish. But there's one good man I see with you sometimes, and I don't even know his name.
quit innkeeper. harry where u spending time?? who r u with?? young ppl get worn out. u got a bad look and u pout. if ur my son why does everyone shame u?? bad friends ruin u like pitch. i'm not drunk i'm crying i'm actually hurt. there's one good guy i've seen with u who is he??
What manner of man, an it like your Majesty?
What kind of man is he, if I may ask, your Majesty?
What does he look like, if you don't mind my asking?
what's he look like sire
A goodly portly man, i’faith, and a corpulent; of a cheerful look, a
pleasing eye, and a most noble carriage; and, as I think, his age some
fifty, or, by’r Lady, inclining to threescore; and now I remember me,
his name is Falstaff. If that man should be lewdly given, he deceiveth
me; for, Harry, I see virtue in his looks. If then the tree may be
known by the fruit, as the fruit by the tree, then peremptorily I speak
it, there is virtue in that Falstaff; him keep with, the rest banish.
And tell me now, thou naughty varlet, tell me where hast thou been this
month?
A handsome, impressive man, truly, and well-built. He has a happy expression, pleasant eyes, and carries himself nobly. I'd say he's about fifty, or maybe closer to sixty. Now I remember, his name is Falstaff. If such a man were disreputable, he'd be lying to me with his face. Harry, I see integrity in him. If we judge a tree by its fruit and a fruit by its tree, then I declare absolutely that Falstaff is a virtuous man—keep him close and abandon the others. And tell me now, you naughty rascal, where have you been for the whole month?
A big, impressive guy, honestly, and well-built. He looks happy, has kind eyes, and carries himself with real class. Maybe around fifty or so, getting close to sixty. His name is Falstaff. If he were a bad guy, his face would be lying. I see real virtue in him, Harry. You know how a tree shows itself through its fruit? Well, there's virtue in Falstaff—stick with him and dump the rest. Now you little troublemaker, where the hell have you been all month?
he's a big impressive guy looks happy friendly has class prob 50 or 60 named falstaff he's virtuous keep him ditch others where u been all month u brat
Dost thou speak like a king? Do thou stand for me, and I’ll play my
father.
Are you speaking like a real king? You play me now, and I'll be the king instead.
Sound like a real king? Here, you be me, I'll play the king.
sound like a king? u b me i'll b the king
Depose me? If thou dost it half so gravely, so majestically, both in
word and matter, hang me up by the heels for a rabbit-sucker or a
poulter’s hare.
Take away my kingship? If you can do it even half as seriously and majestically as me, then hang me upside down like a dead rabbit.
You're replacing me? If you can do it even half as seriously as I did, just string me up like dead game.
ur removing me?? if u do it half as good hang me like dead rabbit
Well, here I am set.
All right, here I am, seated.
Okay, I'm sitting.
ok i'm sitting
And here I stand. Judge, my masters.
And here I stand. You can judge our performance now, everyone.
And here I stand. Everyone watch us.
here i stand ppl watch us
Now, Harry, whence come you?
Now Harry, where are you coming from?
So Harry, where have you been?
so where u been
My noble lord, from Eastcheap.
I've been in Eastcheap, my lord.
Eastcheap is where I'm from.
from eastcheap sire
The complaints I hear of thee are grievous.
The complaints I hear about you are serious.
I hear terrible things about you.
ppl say bad things bout u
’Sblood, my lord, they are false.—Nay, I’ll tickle ye for a young
prince, i’faith.
By God, my lord, they're false. No, I'll entertain you like a real young prince, truly.
By God, that's all lies. Actually, I'll show you how a young prince really acts.
that's all lies nah i'll show u how a real prince acts
Swearest thou, ungracious boy? Henceforth ne’er look on me. Thou art
violently carried away from grace. There is a devil haunts thee in the
likeness of an old fat man. A tun of man is thy companion. Why dost
thou converse with that trunk of humours, that bolting-hutch of
beastliness, that swollen parcel of dropsies, that huge bombard of
sack, that stuffed cloak-bag of guts, that roasted Manningtree ox with
the pudding in his belly, that reverend Vice, that grey iniquity, that
father ruffian, that vanity in years? Wherein is he good, but to taste
sack and drink it? Wherein neat and cleanly, but to carve a capon and
eat it? Wherein cunning, but in craft? Wherein crafty, but in villany?
Wherein villainous, but in all things? Wherein worthy, but in nothing?
Do you curse, you disrespectful boy? Don't look at me ever again. You're being dragged away from decency by something evil. There's a devil dressed as an old fat man following you around. You're friends with a barrel of a person. Why do you spend time with that grotesque bag of fluids, that greasy trash-heap, that bloated mess, that enormous bottle of wine, that stuffed bag of guts, that roasted ox with pudding inside, that mockery of authority, that embodiment of sin, that father of disorder, that mockery of age? What's he good for except tasting and drinking wine? What's he do neatly except carve and eat poultry? What skill does he have except trickery? What trickery except villainy? What villainy except everything? What virtue except none?
Are you cursing now, you rude kid? Don't ever look at me again. You're being dragged away from morality. There's a devil shaped like an old fat man with you. You hang out with a living barrel. Why are you friends with that disgusting blob of body fluids, that garbage heap, that bloated disaster, that walking wine bottle, that sack of guts, that disgusting roasted thing with stuffing, that old authority figure twisted into sin, that example of every bad quality? What's good about him except drinking wine? What's he do cleanly except eat meat? What does he do except cheat people? What does he cheat except in evil? What's evil except what he represents completely? What's he worth except nothing?
ur cursing?? don't look at me. ur dragged away from being good. old fat devil w u. barrel guy ur friend. why?? he's gross blob trash bloated wine bottle guts thing. only drinks wine eats meat cheats evil. nothing good bout him
I would your Grace would take me with you. Whom means your Grace?
I hope you'll take me with you, your Grace. Who exactly are you talking about?
I hope you're taking me with you. Who are you talking about?
u taking me? who u talking about
That villainous abominable misleader of youth, Falstaff, that old
white-bearded Satan.
That wicked, despicable corruptor of young people, Falstaff—that old white-haired devil.
That evil, disgusting guy who ruins young people, Falstaff—that old hairy devil.
falstaff the old devil guy who corrupts youth ur evil
My lord, the man I know.
My lord, I know that man.
I know who you mean.
i know who u mean
I know thou dost.
I know you do.
Of course you do.
ya i know
But to say I know more harm in him than in myself were to say more than
I know. That he is old, the more the pity, his white hairs do witness
it. But that he is, saving your reverence, a whoremaster, that I
utterly deny. If sack and sugar be a fault, God help the wicked! If to
be old and merry be a sin, then many an old host that I know is damned.
If to be fat be to be hated, then Pharaoh’s lean kine are to be loved.
No, my good lord, banish Peto, banish Bardolph, banish Poins, but for
sweet Jack Falstaff, kind Jack Falstaff, true Jack Falstaff, valiant
Jack Falstaff, and therefore more valiant, being as he is old Jack
Falstaff, banish not him thy Harry’s company, banish not him thy
Harry’s company. Banish plump Jack, and banish all the world.
But to say I know more bad things about him than I do about myself would be overstating it. Yes, he's old—unfortunately his white hair proves it. But to say he's a womanizer, I completely deny. If enjoying wine and sugar is wrong, God help all sinners! If being old and cheerful is sin, then countless innkeepers I know are damned. If being fat deserves hatred, then the Egyptian pharaoh's skinny cattle should be loved instead. No, my good lord, banish Peto, banish Bardolph, banish Poins, but not sweet Jack Falstaff, kind Jack Falstaff, honest Jack Falstaff, brave Jack Falstaff—and all the more brave for being old Jack Falstaff. Don't banish him from your company, Harry, don't banish him from your company. If you banish plump Jack, you're banishing the whole world.
But to say he's worse than me would be lying. Okay, he's old, you can see it in his white hair. But he's not a total womanizer like you say. If liking wine and sweet stuff is wrong, then God help all bad people! If being old and happy is a sin, then every old innkeeper I know goes to hell. If being fat means you deserve to be hated, then we should love skinny cows instead. No, my lord, banish Peto, banish Bardolph, banish Poins, but not Falstaff—sweet Jack Falstaff, good Jack Falstaff, honest Jack Falstaff, brave Jack Falstaff. All the braver for being old. Don't kick him out of your life, Harry. Don't do it. If you kick out plump Jack, you kick out everything good in the world.
he's not worse than me he's old that's sad but not a womanizer. wine and sweets wrong? then all sinners r damned. old and happy's a sin?? then all innkeepers r bad. fat = hated?? nah. banish the others not falstaff. he's good kind honest brave. don't kick him out harry if u do u lose everything
I do, I will.
Absolutely, I will do it.
Yeah, I will.
i will
O, my lord, my lord, the sheriff with a most monstrous watch is at the
door.
My lord, my lord, the sheriff with a huge group of watchmen is at the door.
My lord, the sheriff's here with a massive team of watchmen at the door.
sheriff's at door with tons of watchmen
Out, ye rogue! Play out the play. I have much to say in the behalf of
that Falstaff.
Get out, you rogue! Continue with the scene. I have much to say in defense of Falstaff.
Get out of here, you rogue! Keep the scene going. I've got plenty to say defending Falstaff.
keep acting! defending falstaff
O Jesu, my lord, my lord—
Oh God, my lord, my lord—
Oh my lord, my lord—
my lord my lord
Heigh, heigh, the devil rides upon a fiddlestick. What’s the matter?
That's all nonsense. What's the matter?
That's ridiculous. What's going on?
what's happening
The sheriff and all the watch are at the door. They are come to search
the house. Shall I let them in?
The sheriff and all his watchmen are at the door. They have come to search the house. Should I let them in?
The sheriff and all his men are at the door. They want to search the house. Should I let them in?
sheriff's at door, wants to search. let him in?
Dost thou hear, Hal? Never call a true piece of gold a counterfeit:
thou art essentially made without seeming so.
Listen, Hal. Never deny that genuine gold is genuine. You're genuinely made without needing to seem so.
Listen, Hal. Don't pretend genuine gold is fake. You're naturally legitimate without having to act like it.
don't fake who you are, you're legit
And thou a natural coward without instinct.
And you're a born coward without even the instinct to hide it.
And you're a natural coward without even trying to hide it.
you're just a coward
I deny your major. If you will deny the sheriff, so; if not, let him
enter. If I become not a cart as well as another man, a plague on my
bringing up! I hope I shall as soon be strangled with a halter as
another.
I reject your reasoning. If you want to deny the sheriff, then do so; if not, let him in. If I don't end up in a cart going to execution like any other man, then curse my upbringing! I'm confident I'll be hanged with a rope just as soon as anyone else.
I don't buy that logic. If you want to keep the sheriff out, fine; if not, let him in. If I don't end up in a cart to execution like anyone else, curse my upbringing! I'm just as likely to be hanged as the next guy.
let him in or don't, i'll get hanged same as anyone
Go hide thee behind the arras. The rest walk up above. Now, my masters,
for a true face and good conscience.
Go hide behind the tapestry. Everyone else go upstairs. Now, my friends, I need to put on a sincere expression and act with good conscience.
Go hide behind the tapestry. Everyone else go upstairs. Now, my friends, time to look innocent and act with integrity.
hide behind tapestry, go upstairs, act innocent
Both which I have had, but their date is out, and therefore I’ll hide
me.
I've had both of those things, but their time has long passed, so I'll hide.
I used to have both of those, but that ship sailed long ago, so I'm hiding.
had both once, not anymore
Call in the sheriff.
Bring the sheriff inside.
Summon the sheriff.
get the sheriff
Now, master sheriff, what is your will with me?
Now then, master sheriff, what brings you here? What do you want from me?
Well, sheriff, what do you want with me?
what do u want sheriff?
First, pardon me, my lord. A hue and cry
Hath followed certain men unto this house.
First, forgive me, my lord. An alarm and pursuit have followed certain men to this house.
First, forgive me, my lord. We've been pursuing certain men who came to this house.
some men we're chasing came here
What men?
Which men?
Who are they?
who
One of them is well known, my gracious lord,
A gross fat man.
Your lordship knows one of them by reputation—a corpulent, bulky fellow.
You know one of them—he's really fat.
one's fat, everyone knows him
As fat as butter.
Bloated like a dairy product.
Enormous.
huge
The man I do assure you is not here,
For I myself at this time have employ’d him.
And, sheriff, I will engage my word to thee,
That I will by tomorrow dinner-time,
Send him to answer thee, or any man,
For anything he shall be charged withal.
And so let me entreat you leave the house.
I assure you, the man is not here because I myself have employed him at this time. And sheriff, I give you my word that I will have him come answer to you, or to anyone, for whatever charges are made against him by tomorrow dinner time. So I ask you to leave the house.
Look, the man isn't here—I've hired him myself right now. Sheriff, I'm giving you my word that I'll have him come talk to you or anyone else about whatever you're accusing him of by tomorrow at dinner. So please leave.
he's not here, i hired him. he'll answer you tomorrow at dinner
I will, my lord. There are two gentlemen
Have in this robbery lost three hundred marks.
Very well, my lord. There are two gentlemen who lost three hundred marks in this robbery.
Understood, my lord. Two gentlemen lost three hundred marks in this robbery.
ok. two guys lost 300 marks
It may be so. If he have robb’d these men,
He shall be answerable; and so, farewell.
That may be true. If he has robbed these men, he will answer for it. Goodbye.
That might be the case. If he robbed them, he'll answer for it. Goodbye.
if he did it he'll answer for it bye
Good night, my noble lord.
May you have a peaceful evening, my esteemed lord.
Sleep well, my lord.
goodnight my lord
I think it is good morrow, is it not?
I think it's morning now, isn't it?
I think the sun's coming up, isn't it?
it's morning already
Indeed, my lord, I think it be two o’clock.
Indeed, my lord, I think it's two o'clock.
Yes, my lord, it's about two o'clock.
it's 2 am
This oily rascal is known as well as Paul’s. Go, call him forth.
This greasy rascal is as well-known as St. Paul's Cathedral. Go, call him out.
This greasy crook is famous everywhere. Go get him.
this guy's famous, get him
Falstaff!—Fast asleep behind the arras, and snorting like a horse.
Falstaff!—He's fast asleep behind the tapestry and snoring like a horse.
Falstaff!—He's passed out behind the tapestry, snoring like a horse.
falstaff's knocked out behind tapestry snoring
Hark, how hard he fetches breath. Search his pockets.
Listen to how heavily he's breathing. Search his pockets.
Listen to him breathing so hard. Search his pockets.
he's breathing heavy, check his pockets
What hast thou found?
What have you found?
What did you find?
what'd u find?
Nothing but papers, my lord.
Only documents, my lord.
Just paperwork, my lord.
just papers
Let’s see what they be. Read them.
Let's see what they are. Read them.
Let's see what they are. Read them to me.
read them
Item, a capon, . . . . . . . . . . . 2s. 2d.
Item, sauce, . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 4d.
Item, sack, two gallons, . . . 5s. 8d.
Item, anchovies and sack after supper, 2s. 6d.
Item, bread, . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ob.
One roasted chicken: two shillings two pence Sauce: four pence White wine, two gallons: five shillings eight pence Anchovies and wine after supper: two shillings six pence Bread: one halfpenny
A chicken: two shillings two pence Sauce: four pence Two gallons of wine: five shillings eight pence Anchovies and wine after dinner: two shillings six pence Bread: a halfpenny
chicken sauce wine anchovies bread
O monstrous! But one halfpennyworth of bread to this intolerable deal
of sack! What there is else, keep close. We’ll read it at more
advantage. There let him sleep till day. I’ll to the court in the
morning. We must all to the wars, and thy place shall be honourable.
I’ll procure this fat rogue a charge of foot, and I know his death will
be a march of twelve score. The money shall be paid back again with
advantage. Be with me betimes in the morning; and so, good morrow,
Peto.
This is outrageous! Only a halfpenny's worth of bread compared to all this wine! Keep the rest of the bill quiet. We'll read it another time. Let him sleep until morning. I'm going to the court tomorrow. We all must go to war, and your position will be honorable. I'll give this fat rogue a command of foot soldiers, and his march will kill him—two hundred forty paces to execution. The money will be repaid with interest. Come to me early in the morning; goodbye, Peto.
That's crazy! He barely spent a halfpenny on bread but tons on wine! Don't mention the rest of this. We'll look at it later. Let him sleep till morning. I'm heading to court tomorrow. We all have to go to war, and you'll get a good position. I'm giving this fat guy a troop to command, and it'll kill him. The money gets paid back with interest. See me first thing in the morning; goodbye, Peto.
halfpenny bread vs all that wine lol. we're going to war. good job waiting for you. see me tomorrow
Good morrow, good my lord.
Good morning to you, my lord.
Morning, my lord.
mornin
The Reckoning
This is the longest, most carnivalesque scene in the play — a two-hour romp through drinking, lying, role-playing, and the moment Hal finally says what he really thinks about Falstaff. The mock trial cuts deepest: playing the King, Hal delivers a verdict on Falstaff that is no longer entirely a joke. When the sheriff arrives and Falstaff hides snoring behind the curtain, the holiday is briefly over — and Hal is left holding the bill.
If this happened today…
Your charismatic, wildly irresponsible best friend recounts a bar fight from last night, and with each retelling the number of attackers doubles. You call him out with video evidence. He shrugs and pivots to: let's do a bit where you play your disappointed dad and I play you. The bit gets uncomfortably real. Then the cops knock. Your friend hides in the bathroom. You tell the cops he's not here.