Come on, sir; I shall now put you to the height of your breeding.
Come on, sir; I'll now test how well you've been brought up.
All right, let's see if you're as well-bred as you claim.
lets see ur manners
I will show myself highly fed and lowly taught. I know my business is
but to the court.
I'll show myself well-fed and poorly educated. I know my job is only to go to court.
I'm going to act like I'm well-fed but stupid. I know my only job is heading to court.
im well fed but dumb my job is court
To the court! Why, what place make you special, when you put off that
with such contempt? But to the court!
To court! Why, what place do you treat as special when you dismiss this house with such contempt? Only to court!
To court! Why, what place is so special that you disdain this one with such contempt? Only to court!
to court? why despise this place?
Truly, madam, if God have lent a man any manners, he may easily put it
off at court: he that cannot make a leg, put off’s cap, kiss his hand,
and say nothing, has neither leg, hands, lip, nor cap; and indeed such
a fellow, to say precisely, were not for the court; but for me, I have
an answer will serve all men.
Truly, madam, if God has given a man any manners, he can easily abandon them at court. The man who can't bow, remove his cap, kiss hands, and say nothing has no legs, hands, mouth, or cap. Such a fellow isn't suited for court, to be precise. But for me, I have an answer that will serve everyone.
Really, madam, if God gave a man any manners, he can easily dump them at court. If you can't bow, tip your hat, kiss hands, and shut up, you're no good at anything. That type of guy isn't for court. But me, I've got one answer that works for everybody.
manners dont work at court i have one answer for everyone
Marry, that’s a bountiful answer that fits all questions.
Indeed, that's a generous answer that addresses all questions.
Well, that's a pretty generous answer that fits any question.
generous answer fits all questions
It is like a barber’s chair, that fits all buttocks—the pin-buttock,
the quatch-buttock, the brawn-buttock, or any buttock.
It's like a barber's chair that fits all backsides—the skinny, the thick, the muscular, or any backside.
It's like a barber's chair that fits any rear end—skinny ones, thick ones, muscular ones, whatever.
like a barber's chair fits any butt
Scene 2-2 is what directors and actors call a 'breathing scene' — a deliberate pressure release between two high-stakes moments. You've just watched Helena convince a dying king to risk everything on her untested remedy (2-1). You're about to watch Bertram publicly refuse to marry her in front of the entire French court (2-3). In between: thirty lines about buttocks and a magic phrase. This is not padding. Shakespeare understood that tragedy needs comedy nearby to survive, that an audience can only hold maximum tension for so long before it breaks rather than builds. The Clown's wordplay, the Countess's willingness to laugh at herself, the gentle warmth of the scene — all of it gives the audience permission to release. When 2-3 arrives with all its cruelty and humiliation, it hits harder because this scene made you forget it was coming.
Will your answer serve fit to all questions?
Will your answer fit all questions well?
Does your answer really fit all questions?
answer fits everything?
As fit as ten groats is for the hand of an attorney, as your French
crown for your taffety punk, as Tib’s rush for Tom’s forefinger, as a
pancake for Shrove-Tuesday, a morris for May-day, as the nail to his
hole, the cuckold to his horn, as a scolding quean to a wrangling
knave, as the nun’s lip to the friar’s mouth; nay, as the pudding to
his skin.
As perfectly as ten coins fit an attorney's hand, as a French coin fits a fancy prostitute, as straw fits a finger, as pancakes fit Shrove Tuesday, a morris dance fits May Day, as a nail fits its hole, a cuckold fits his horns, a scolding woman fits a quarreling man, a nun's mouth fits a friar's mouth, and yes, as pudding stays inside its skin.
As perfectly as coins fit a lawyer's hand, as a fancy coin fits a flashy woman, as straw fits a finger, as pancakes fit Shrove Tuesday, dancing fits May Day, as a nail fits its hole, a cuckold fits his horns, a nagging woman fits a quarreling guy, a nun's lips fit a friar's mouth, and just like pudding stays in its own skin.
fits perfectly like coins in lawyer hands like pancakes on shrove tuesday like pudding in its skin
Have you, I say, an answer of such fitness for all questions?
Do you really have an answer that fits all questions so perfectly?
Do you seriously have an answer that fits everything?
u got one answer for everything?
From below your duke to beneath your constable, it will fit any
question.
Whether asked by someone below your duke or below your constable, it will fit any question.
From the lowest duke down to the lowest constable, my answer works for anyone.
works for everyone from duke to constable
It must be an answer of most monstrous size that must fit all demands.
It must be an enormously large answer to fit all demands.
Your answer would have to be huge to fit everything.
answer must be huge
But a trifle neither, in good faith, if the learned should speak truth
of it. Here it is, and all that belongs to’t. Ask me if I am a
courtier; it shall do you no harm to learn.
But hardly a trivial thing, honestly, if the learned speak truth about it. Here it is with everything that goes with it. Ask me if I'm a courtier; it won't hurt you to learn.
But it's no small thing, honestly, if you ask the experts. Here it is with all its trimmings. Ask me if I'm a courtier; it won't hurt you to find out.
not trivial ask if im courtier urll learn something
To be young again, if we could: I will be a fool in question, hoping to
be the wiser by your answer. I pray you, sir, are you a courtier?
If only we could be young again. I'll play the fool with my question, hoping to become wiser from your answer. I ask you, sir, are you a courtier?
If only we could be young again. I'll ask a foolish question, hoping to learn from your answer. So tell me, sir, are you a courtier?
if we were young again im asking foolishly are u a courtier?
The Clown's universal answer is a joke, but it's a joke with a thesis: that much of what passes for courtly discourse is empty form. 'O Lord, sir!' expresses polite, helpless astonishment — it functions as agreement, deflection, sympathy, and submission simultaneously. It can handle any social situation precisely because it commits to nothing. This describes exactly how Parolles operates. Parolles never says anything specific or brave — he makes noises of agreement, affirms whatever the last speaker said, and fills air with impressively arranged words that mean nothing. The Clown is satirizing courtly discourse; Parolles is living it. When the Countess laughs at the universal answer's absurdity, she's laughing at something that is, in 2-3, about to make her laugh rather less.
O Lord, sir! There’s a simple putting off. More, more, a hundred of
them.
Oh my lord, sir! That's a simple dismissal. More, more, give me a hundred of them.
Oh lord! That's easy to brush off. Come on, more, give me a hundred of them!
thats easy give me more
Sir, I am a poor friend of yours, that loves you.
Sir, I'm a simple friend of yours who loves you.
Sir, I may not be much, but I'm genuinely your friend and I truly care.
im ur friend i love u
O Lord, sir! Thick, thick; spare not me.
Oh lord, sir! Thick, thick; don't hold back with me.
Oh my lord! Lay them on thick, really thick; don't go easy on me.
lay it on thick
I think, sir, you can eat none of this homely meat.
I think, sir, you can't eat this plain food.
I don't think you can stomach this simple food.
u cant eat plain food
O Lord, sir! Nay, put me to’t, I warrant you.
Oh lord, sir! No, test me, I promise you.
Oh my lord! No, try me, I guarantee it.
test me i promise
You were lately whipp’d, sir, as I think.
You were recently whipped, sir, I believe.
I think you were whipped recently, sir.
u were whipped lately
O Lord, sir! Spare not me.
Oh lord, sir! Don't spare me.
Oh my lord! Don't hold back!
dont spare me
The Countess is one of the most admirable figures in the play — intelligent, warm, genuinely ethical — and she spends most of it watching from Rossillon as events overtake the people she loves. She cannot go to Paris. She can only send letters. This short scene catches her in a private moment: she has time to kill, anxiety to manage, and she chooses to spend it playing word games with her Clown. It's a remarkably human portrait of how people cope with powerlessness — you can't control what's happening at court, but you can laugh at buttock jokes for ten minutes before going back to worrying. When she finally dismisses him with 'haste you again,' the word 'again' carries a whole weight of waiting: do this errand, come back, tell me something, I am here.
Do you cry ‘O Lord, sir!’ at your whipping, and ‘spare not me’? Indeed
your ‘O Lord, sir!’ is very sequent to your whipping. You would answer
very well to a whipping, if you were but bound to’t.
Do you cry 'Oh lord, sir!' when getting whipped and 'don't spare me'? Your 'Oh lord, sir!' really follows whipping perfectly. You would respond very well to a whipping if you were tied down for it.
So you cry out 'Oh lord!' during a whipping and then 'don't spare me'? Your 'Oh lord!' really follows whipping perfectly. You'd actually do well with a whipping if you were tied down for it.
u cry during whipping then ask for more u were made for it
I ne’er had worse luck in my life in my ‘O Lord, sir!’ I see things may
serve long, but not serve ever.
I've never had worse luck in my life with my 'Oh lord, sir!' I see things may work for a while but not forever.
I've never had worse luck with my 'Oh lord!' I'm learning that some things work for a time but not always.
bad luck with my phrase nothing lasts forever
I play the noble housewife with the time, to entertain it so merrily
with a fool.
I'm playing the noble housewife, spending time entertaining it so merrily with a fool.
I'm being the noble lady, spending my time entertaining myself so cheerfully with a fool.
spending time with a fool for fun
O Lord, sir! Why, there’t serves well again.
Oh lord, sir! Well, look at that—there it serves well again.
Oh my lord! Well, there it goes—it works again!
there it works again
An end, sir! To your business. Give Helen this,
And urge her to a present answer back.
Commend me to my kinsmen and my son.
This is not much.
Now stop, sir! Get to your business. Give this to Helen and urge her to give an answer back right away. Give my regards to my relatives and my son. It's not much.
All right, enough! Get to work. Give this to Helen and push her to answer back immediately. Say hello to my relatives and my son. It's not a big task.
go do ur job give this to helen say hi to my family
Not much commendation to them?
Not much praise for them?
Not much in the way of praise?
thats all u got for them?
Not much employment for you. You understand me?
Not much work for you. Do you understand me?
Not much work for you to do. Do you get it?
ur not getting much work
Most fruitfully. I am there before my legs.
Most certainly. My mind is already there before my body gets there.
Absolutely. I'm already there in my head before my legs carry me there.
im already there mentally
Haste you again.
Go quickly.
Go on, get going.
hurry up
The Reckoning
Twenty-nine lines of pure comedy wedged between two of the play's most charged scenes. It does real work: it lets the audience breathe after the momentous bargain of 2-1, and it sets up the Countess's continued vigil from Rossillon — she can't go to Paris herself, so she sends a letter. The 'O Lord, sir!' routine is a tiny masterclass in how Shakespeare builds a joke: Clown introduces the premise (I have an answer for everything), Countess is skeptical, Clown demonstrates, Countess plays along and keeps escalating the stakes until the joke breaks under its own absurdity. Then — like all good clowns — he gets the last word.
If this happened today…
A retired executive is sending her assistant to a corporate conference to check on her daughter's situation. Before she gives him the paperwork, she decides to test his small-talk skills. He claims he has a response that works for literally every situation. She tests him: 'Are you a people person?' 'Oh, absolutely!' 'Do you know what you're doing?' 'Oh, absolutely!' 'I heard you got fired from your last three jobs.' 'Oh, absolutely!' She laughs, admits she wasted ten minutes, and hands him the letter.